I may have written in the past about being "in my head." It is not a new phrase or way of being for me. It is like this slow decent I do, every now and then, usually hormone related.. :) and I don't see or know that I am slowing walking into my head, and then I am in my head, and it totally becomes my reality and I see things differently, and yet I can't figure out that I have now entered my head and in many ways it is not real..Does any of that even make sense!!! It does in "the world of Danna."
So my latest trip into my head was over analyzing my love interest, like I went on hyper speed for 48 hours--this was mostly in my mind until I spoke it a little bit to friends, 2 of who pointed out how much I was living in my head, with great laughter. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I came out of my head, really. And my hormones got back in balance..:) Now I followed it up with a visit from my love interest, and realized I did not have any resentment to voice, it was more like giddy school girl love, and there was nothing to say, nothing that is about living in my head..
A very good point was raised to me, that while I am one way, it does not mean every body else is, nor can I expect them to be, even want? them to be, and certainly cannot with all fairness view them through all my past filters. Wow. It is a lot to retrain the head and the heart. At least at some point I was aware I was in my head and managed to get out before doing damage.
That is a big step for me.
I remind myself I want to live my life, I don't want to waste it, drag it down, punch it out, squelch it, resent it, beware of it, scared of it, tire of it..I want to use it, I want to fill it with love I suppose more than anything and that certainly is not that hard to do, or should not be. I told my mom the other night in an email that while I am happy alone, I am happier loving someone, it can just never be the same for me alone (I am not a lonely person to be clear..) But I believe I do need to remember that life cannot be lived in my head, full of filters, but it must be lived in reality and open to all the gifts people have to bring to the table not just my idea of what should be..that is when I shut down and retreat to my head, alone..It is all a process, I do forget what being in love is like, the many, many, many dimensions of it.
So my latest trip into my head was over analyzing my love interest, like I went on hyper speed for 48 hours--this was mostly in my mind until I spoke it a little bit to friends, 2 of who pointed out how much I was living in my head, with great laughter. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I came out of my head, really. And my hormones got back in balance..:) Now I followed it up with a visit from my love interest, and realized I did not have any resentment to voice, it was more like giddy school girl love, and there was nothing to say, nothing that is about living in my head..
A very good point was raised to me, that while I am one way, it does not mean every body else is, nor can I expect them to be, even want? them to be, and certainly cannot with all fairness view them through all my past filters. Wow. It is a lot to retrain the head and the heart. At least at some point I was aware I was in my head and managed to get out before doing damage.
That is a big step for me.
I remind myself I want to live my life, I don't want to waste it, drag it down, punch it out, squelch it, resent it, beware of it, scared of it, tire of it..I want to use it, I want to fill it with love I suppose more than anything and that certainly is not that hard to do, or should not be. I told my mom the other night in an email that while I am happy alone, I am happier loving someone, it can just never be the same for me alone (I am not a lonely person to be clear..) But I believe I do need to remember that life cannot be lived in my head, full of filters, but it must be lived in reality and open to all the gifts people have to bring to the table not just my idea of what should be..that is when I shut down and retreat to my head, alone..It is all a process, I do forget what being in love is like, the many, many, many dimensions of it.
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