Falling into the "rush" can be overwhelming. For the first time in a long time, I have fallen a bit out of my routine. I don't have time for cleaning :) Funny how adding one person in can do this.
"I don't know where I am going..and I don't know where I have been.." A line from a favorite song these days "Revelation." It is almost like I fell into a revelation, which is a word I love, let alone saying, as it just rolls off the tongue. I am not sure if I can totally put my revelation into words. Something like this. .. I gave up the ghost. I moved forward. Suddenly there was a shift. I don't cry anymore (really, I hope it lasts..) I forgave, fully.
I am not sure if I know what falling in love is anymore, or maybe it is just different now that I am not 25. I wonder about that. Maybe now I have a lot more filters and a lot more going on in my head that has to match up to my heart, because I feel way more grounded than I did way back when. I almost think I used to have a bit of "craziness" in me. Where was "I" all those years, I honestly don't know. Crazy to even say. I had no sense of who I was, how to take care of me, any real value in myself. I was like living an out of body experience.
I no longer think love is the only answer in life, but I sure think it matters. Someone close to me recently said they looked for romance within themselves, creating it for themselves. I never thought of it that way, and it may be why this person is so ahead in life and always has been. They know how to take care of themself. However, I do believe that we can never fully love ourselves or "romance" ourselves quite like a significant other can. It just can never be. It could be close, but it is not the same. To see yourself loved by someone else is a certain magic that may be the gift of being human. Not a child or friend or neighbor, but those are beautiful loves to have as well. But a true love, to love you in body, mind and spirit, to reach your very heart and hold it close. This is the magic I believe in. I have lived without it for a long and lonely time, and yet at the same time was not lonely and had my own personal seminar inside the 4 walls of my home. I am happy to report that it worked :) .
"I don't know where I am going..and I don't know where I have been.." A line from a favorite song these days "Revelation." It is almost like I fell into a revelation, which is a word I love, let alone saying, as it just rolls off the tongue. I am not sure if I can totally put my revelation into words. Something like this. .. I gave up the ghost. I moved forward. Suddenly there was a shift. I don't cry anymore (really, I hope it lasts..) I forgave, fully.
I am not sure if I know what falling in love is anymore, or maybe it is just different now that I am not 25. I wonder about that. Maybe now I have a lot more filters and a lot more going on in my head that has to match up to my heart, because I feel way more grounded than I did way back when. I almost think I used to have a bit of "craziness" in me. Where was "I" all those years, I honestly don't know. Crazy to even say. I had no sense of who I was, how to take care of me, any real value in myself. I was like living an out of body experience.
I no longer think love is the only answer in life, but I sure think it matters. Someone close to me recently said they looked for romance within themselves, creating it for themselves. I never thought of it that way, and it may be why this person is so ahead in life and always has been. They know how to take care of themself. However, I do believe that we can never fully love ourselves or "romance" ourselves quite like a significant other can. It just can never be. It could be close, but it is not the same. To see yourself loved by someone else is a certain magic that may be the gift of being human. Not a child or friend or neighbor, but those are beautiful loves to have as well. But a true love, to love you in body, mind and spirit, to reach your very heart and hold it close. This is the magic I believe in. I have lived without it for a long and lonely time, and yet at the same time was not lonely and had my own personal seminar inside the 4 walls of my home. I am happy to report that it worked :) .
I thought the other day about a broken heart. How I have once again lived through it. And yet at the time, there is no hope, there is so much gloom and dying seems to be the way out. Yes. It. Does. But. You. Cannot. It is like eternal night, f o r e v e r it seems. And then somehow it goes away. And then you are changed. So I have lived through it again in my life. I cannot believe how much I have laughed as well in the past year, and certainly in the past month or two. I almost feel like a new me in a way, or certainly the "new and improved me." Laughing and crying made up 18 months of my life. Now mostly laughter :).
At this very moment I feel like I finally made the jump. Like a jet stream cruising above me, that I saw for so long, but could not reach it, and then one day I was effortlessly in. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure where I am going these days. But at the moment, I really like the path.
At this very moment I feel like I finally made the jump. Like a jet stream cruising above me, that I saw for so long, but could not reach it, and then one day I was effortlessly in. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure where I am going these days. But at the moment, I really like the path.
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