I have now officially accomplished one year of breaking up.I am almost in awe how fast 365 days went. I remember sitting at this little desk, this exact screen, and writing about the doom of my marriage. I was so broken that there were no words to really convey, I am not sure if there ever is for deep heartbreak. It was like for months, years? that I walked around a pool, terrified, because I knew I could not swim. And then someone threw me in, and I started to drown. All my fears were confirmed, and all the gasping for air I did really made no difference.
I know we have no power over other people, their actions, their emotions, their commitments. We only have power over what we do and how we react to them. This is a very tough life lesson.
I struggle to find anything impressive to say (not that I think I say a whole lot that is impressive..) but today, I am a bit resigned and a bit quiet with the whole thing. This month was tough, from the first day. It was like being forced to go back in time to some kind of emotional turmoil that I had to relive. Somewhat reflective of the past 365 days, and in some ways reliving it for the first time again. I have thought over and over, and held onto the hope, that in one year I would feel and be so different. But the year came up too fast, and I did not meet my hope. There is a certain calmness that often surrounds me, deep down, I don't feel tormented as much, not filled with so much dread and worry, and not so questioning of me, those are good to have let go somewhat. But what did not really change in 365 days, is my love of what was, if only an illusion. That has not gone away. I can easily climb into that spot in my mind, without a moment's notice, and that seems to be what still can create great sadness for me, as I have said before, clearly it is very hard to let someone go.
I know we have no power over other people, their actions, their emotions, their commitments. We only have power over what we do and how we react to them. This is a very tough life lesson.
I struggle to find anything impressive to say (not that I think I say a whole lot that is impressive..) but today, I am a bit resigned and a bit quiet with the whole thing. This month was tough, from the first day. It was like being forced to go back in time to some kind of emotional turmoil that I had to relive. Somewhat reflective of the past 365 days, and in some ways reliving it for the first time again. I have thought over and over, and held onto the hope, that in one year I would feel and be so different. But the year came up too fast, and I did not meet my hope. There is a certain calmness that often surrounds me, deep down, I don't feel tormented as much, not filled with so much dread and worry, and not so questioning of me, those are good to have let go somewhat. But what did not really change in 365 days, is my love of what was, if only an illusion. That has not gone away. I can easily climb into that spot in my mind, without a moment's notice, and that seems to be what still can create great sadness for me, as I have said before, clearly it is very hard to let someone go.
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