I am truly glad February is half over. I am not sure what is going on, but I am being stuffed with February memories. It is like I am stuck in some room with no doors or windows. Somehow I have popped myself in this room, and I am trying to retrace my steps to see when this happened. I don't know, I think there is some huge change going on for me and I cannot see it.
I recalled last night that this is a weekend for me I remember quite well. It was 20 years ago that I was completely crushed on this weekend by my husband (at the time a very new boyfriend.) I recall having no idea really as to what he was. It was like dealing with someone from another planet, who could, so easily, just shut it all off. I remember that quite well. I remember being broken hearted. I wish I had what I needed back then to just
I recalled last night that this is a weekend for me I remember quite well. It was 20 years ago that I was completely crushed on this weekend by my husband (at the time a very new boyfriend.) I recall having no idea really as to what he was. It was like dealing with someone from another planet, who could, so easily, just shut it all off. I remember that quite well. I remember being broken hearted. I wish I had what I needed back then to just
m o v e o n ,but I clearly did not. I was sucked into some bizarre reality. Then last February was like it all over again, same person.
However 10 years ago on this weekend I was flying high. I had tossed out my resignation, only to have our group president call me, while I was going to go shopping, I so remember that part, and tell me "we won't let you go" and gave me a whopping staying bonus (I had never had one, never have again, and don't expect that is coming back again..those were the days!) So that was a pretty amazing weekend 10 years ago. But 5 years ago it was a time to move, full of a lot of stress but also so much hope (there I go, living in hope and believing because clearly I did not know..)
Four years ago February also held job change issues, where I stand again today. What the hell is up with February, I think I need to figure it out. It seems to be some life change month for me, maybe because it is my "half way year" on the road back to my birthday.
I pulled some Tarot cards again last night, and the present card was Change, it seems to be haunting me. What change. Changes I want to make are not really possible, and besides that I feel quite stuck in a room. Clearly I am at a crossroads. I am Dorothy asking which way to go. I am wondering whether to go into the wardrobe. I am running away into the woods. I am pricking my finger. I cannot take off the dancing shoes. I want to go home again. I hate writing this, it is making me see, again, for 20 years I have pretty much lived in a circle, with a few journeys outside the circle that made sense. It is so f!%^ing hard to get out of the circle. How many people live in circles, I really don't know.
However 10 years ago on this weekend I was flying high. I had tossed out my resignation, only to have our group president call me, while I was going to go shopping, I so remember that part, and tell me "we won't let you go" and gave me a whopping staying bonus (I had never had one, never have again, and don't expect that is coming back again..those were the days!) So that was a pretty amazing weekend 10 years ago. But 5 years ago it was a time to move, full of a lot of stress but also so much hope (there I go, living in hope and believing because clearly I did not know..)
Four years ago February also held job change issues, where I stand again today. What the hell is up with February, I think I need to figure it out. It seems to be some life change month for me, maybe because it is my "half way year" on the road back to my birthday.
I pulled some Tarot cards again last night, and the present card was Change, it seems to be haunting me. What change. Changes I want to make are not really possible, and besides that I feel quite stuck in a room. Clearly I am at a crossroads. I am Dorothy asking which way to go. I am wondering whether to go into the wardrobe. I am running away into the woods. I am pricking my finger. I cannot take off the dancing shoes. I want to go home again. I hate writing this, it is making me see, again, for 20 years I have pretty much lived in a circle, with a few journeys outside the circle that made sense. It is so f!%^ing hard to get out of the circle. How many people live in circles, I really don't know.
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