I guess I thought I would feel a whole lot different. I used to convince myself, just wait 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, you will be different. But the truth be told, I really at the end of the day, don't feel any different. My heart hurts just as much as it did 365 days ago. I have tried so hard to reinvent myself, to become the new and improved me that is needed to leave this space, but I seem to fail. How long, how long will it be?
It is crazy to think I will go in these circles and keep coming back to this. I am so very sad on such a deep level, that I find it hard to even reach it. I just know that I wait and wait and wait for some new great day, but it never comes. I read all the great thoughts, and do all the great things, and put on a big smile and laugh away, but there is no stopping this freight train of total sadness that descends me.
The other night when watching The Time Traveler's Wife, after he had died, and I don't know if it was his spirit or him back in time travel, but he came to see his wife again, in the meadow, and she comes running and running, and he says he tries to stay away because he wants her to be able to move on, and she says "but I love you." And in that moment my heart sank. It defined where I am. I am running to some f$%^ing meadow in my mind over and over and over again, and there is no one to meet me, and I know that, but I really don't have anywhere else to go.
I guess I still cannot grasp it, how could I love someone and they would just leave me, so many times, so many ways, toss me aside, and how on earth could I have any emotion for this person, and when and how do I get out of this circle. It has become easier on some level lately just to be totally sad, to wait for sleep to drown myself in sadness, because trying to not be sad every day is just really exhausting, it is much more work than just being sad.
It is crazy to think I will go in these circles and keep coming back to this. I am so very sad on such a deep level, that I find it hard to even reach it. I just know that I wait and wait and wait for some new great day, but it never comes. I read all the great thoughts, and do all the great things, and put on a big smile and laugh away, but there is no stopping this freight train of total sadness that descends me.
The other night when watching The Time Traveler's Wife, after he had died, and I don't know if it was his spirit or him back in time travel, but he came to see his wife again, in the meadow, and she comes running and running, and he says he tries to stay away because he wants her to be able to move on, and she says "but I love you." And in that moment my heart sank. It defined where I am. I am running to some f$%^ing meadow in my mind over and over and over again, and there is no one to meet me, and I know that, but I really don't have anywhere else to go.
I guess I still cannot grasp it, how could I love someone and they would just leave me, so many times, so many ways, toss me aside, and how on earth could I have any emotion for this person, and when and how do I get out of this circle. It has become easier on some level lately just to be totally sad, to wait for sleep to drown myself in sadness, because trying to not be sad every day is just really exhausting, it is much more work than just being sad.
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