Camelot

I often think of the scene in the movie Camelot, when Guinevere and Arthur are kind of spinning, dancing and lose their balance in the moment (it is to What Simple Folks Do..) which is kind of a light and fluffy song for a very heavy moment. He knows she is cheating, she knows he knows, but there is an unspoken almost agreement, and they spin as their lives are spinning away from them. He wants so much for it to all be right again.

I never felt like I had that kind of romance in the dark moment of my marriage. But there was a lot of spinning, and continues to be. But I often feel in my relationship with myself, that sense of spinning and not able to ground myself. Finding nothing left to hold on to. I am drifting and I must at all times have something to hold on to, because if I don't, I feel an emptiness that I cannot quite explain. Not an emptiness of "i must run a personal ad and get a date" it goes way beyond that. And then I have a fantasy of me in a convenant, somewhat locked away, in a very confined reality, which is funny because that is where Guinevere ends up in the movie. I go from extremes of wanting to embrace life and do so much, really be out there, to wanting to hide away because I am somewhat lost in finding my way. It would be true to say that I still go moment to moment these days and must constantly supply myself with filler, as to not totally spin away.