This is quite a journey. At times, I can only hold myself together, that is all I can really focus on in some moments. There is so much to process, and I have noticed, I do it over and over. It is not linear, it is all over the map. I read about that. I just hoped it would not be like that for me. I hoped I would go to A to Z, in a quick route, without stopping along the way. However, I have gone from A to Z, and then back again to do it all over again, and over again. I do not know when I reach Z if it will be real, because I thought I already did. I do not know how to really let someone go. That is clear. And yet I know, very much so, that I can never go back. And so I move along this journey. I do not believe I could do this again. More so, I don't want to. I am losing so much of my life, my days, my moments, because at times I can barely see straight, let alone breathe. It has totally consumed me this past year. I feel I traded one prison for another. There has been no real win for me at this point. But, when I woke today I was greeted by a measure of possibility that today would be different than the past few, something shifted in the night, who knows were I ventured in my travels in my dreams. So these moments come back to me, and I feel like getting back on my little bike to continue down the road. I fixed the flat tires for now. I don't even bother to follow a map anymore, because my bike goes its own route, taking me along for a very long ride to nowhere, but I hope one day to somewhere..
No comments:
Post a Comment