I recall mourning can skip stages or go backwards just maybe when you think you are moving forward. That clearly happened to me today. I could feel it coming on, like this quiet storm that is just edging along the coastline, before I could even see it in plain view, I knew it was coming
It is all around the )(%$#* Parenting Plan that Washington has parents come up with who are getting divorced.
I don't think there is anything worse than getting divorced with kids.
I just want to let that line linger there for a bit..
And I just caught myself in a pose I had forgotten--the "Mourning Card" Tarot pose, the holding of the head in one's hands while crying. How did I get back to this????
The Parenting Plan.
Too much email back and forth with someone I don't want to talk to. I wonder why I even have an attorney...and then to hear over and over how someone is planning every other Christmas holiday to visit family in Florida with my daughter...and yet, this never happened when we were married. I cannot believe it..How many times I brought the idea up, and was always told "I don't want to go there..let's go to Hawaii, California.." But NOW, all of the sudden, Florida is on the docket. Out of the blue, being with family is on the docket. It is like when women are sad when an old boyfriend they had, ends up marrying someone else--I feel like, "oh he just did not want to do that with me. Now that he got rid of me, look at him and all his family activity." And so it hurts me, and I hate the fact that I feel this way. I hate the fact that his M.O. is always to move on, and act like something else did not matter. It is so the way it is--I am left alone in the corner and someone I know just moves on like I never mattered.
I am so angry that I find myself in this space again, and recognize that no good comes for me from communication, it is the communication that goes on and on, the communication, like in the relationship, seeks to win and beat me down and get their way, my how I lived this for so long. I can see how I feel the way I felt so often. So bullied. And always feel like there is deception in all of it (I just did not get that part for all those years.)
So I wonder, when won't I care? I guess it will happen, like all other events in our lives, things just fade away.
Then of all things tonight my daughter has to ask me if I regret marrying her dad (as the dad in a show we watched actually asked his wife that..) and while I tell her it is complicated and grown up, I tell her one thing for sure, I adored her dad, every single person I know knows that, maybe not him. I never thought I would be getting divorced from her dad. But that is the way it is. I am troubled as to what to say. I do tell her that her dad broke my heart many times. I will not lie. How can she understand that I basically lived in an illusion with someone who had no understanding of what marriage is and now runs freely like he has no regrets. Again, leaving me in the corner.
It is in these moments that I must hold on, and hold on tight, to what I am, who I am, what I can do, what my future holds, because in these moments I find it hard to recall and find myself right back front and center with a broken heart.
It is all around the )(%$#* Parenting Plan that Washington has parents come up with who are getting divorced.
I don't think there is anything worse than getting divorced with kids.
I just want to let that line linger there for a bit..
And I just caught myself in a pose I had forgotten--the "Mourning Card" Tarot pose, the holding of the head in one's hands while crying. How did I get back to this????
The Parenting Plan.
Too much email back and forth with someone I don't want to talk to. I wonder why I even have an attorney...and then to hear over and over how someone is planning every other Christmas holiday to visit family in Florida with my daughter...and yet, this never happened when we were married. I cannot believe it..How many times I brought the idea up, and was always told "I don't want to go there..let's go to Hawaii, California.." But NOW, all of the sudden, Florida is on the docket. Out of the blue, being with family is on the docket. It is like when women are sad when an old boyfriend they had, ends up marrying someone else--I feel like, "oh he just did not want to do that with me. Now that he got rid of me, look at him and all his family activity." And so it hurts me, and I hate the fact that I feel this way. I hate the fact that his M.O. is always to move on, and act like something else did not matter. It is so the way it is--I am left alone in the corner and someone I know just moves on like I never mattered.
I am so angry that I find myself in this space again, and recognize that no good comes for me from communication, it is the communication that goes on and on, the communication, like in the relationship, seeks to win and beat me down and get their way, my how I lived this for so long. I can see how I feel the way I felt so often. So bullied. And always feel like there is deception in all of it (I just did not get that part for all those years.)
So I wonder, when won't I care? I guess it will happen, like all other events in our lives, things just fade away.
Then of all things tonight my daughter has to ask me if I regret marrying her dad (as the dad in a show we watched actually asked his wife that..) and while I tell her it is complicated and grown up, I tell her one thing for sure, I adored her dad, every single person I know knows that, maybe not him. I never thought I would be getting divorced from her dad. But that is the way it is. I am troubled as to what to say. I do tell her that her dad broke my heart many times. I will not lie. How can she understand that I basically lived in an illusion with someone who had no understanding of what marriage is and now runs freely like he has no regrets. Again, leaving me in the corner.
It is in these moments that I must hold on, and hold on tight, to what I am, who I am, what I can do, what my future holds, because in these moments I find it hard to recall and find myself right back front and center with a broken heart.
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