It has been a tough week. Like when the doctor says of the patient, "no change" that is how I felt about me this past week, if I was diagnosing myself. It is so sly, but suddenly all the power that has built up, all the "I am moving past it" all falls to the way side, and I am back to being sad. Like I did not even see it happening. I had the worst dreams last night. One like I have had before, spilling my heart to my husband, over and over how much I loved him, and it is like he is not hearing me, as he shows me all the things in the dream he recently bought. I am so distraught in the dream, and while I did not wake up crying, I remember so clearly sobbing in my dream.
I count on my hands how long we have been separated, as if every day I will suddently find another month or two or year in there, when it was just yesterday that I counted, wait, let me count again, February, March, April, May, part of June, yep just 4 months, since February was near the end. Four lousy months. Not much can happen in 4 months. Yet I get stuck in the fact that I should be on some whole other plane by now, out of my marriage, but for all practical purposes I am still very much in my marriage, just now I am alone and cry alone. I actually found myself thinking today when I was at a bookstore, what would happen if I rounded the corner and there he was. I believed that I would probably just burst into tears. See, I cannot get past that I was not enough. I did NOT want to ever get divorced and I never thought we would. I am having such a tough time letting the illusion of what I thought was a lifetime partner, but none the less, someone I adored with every fiber of my being, letting this go. I know I must, I know I have no choice, I even believe that it was divine intervention that brought me to this place, but I find no real solace in that day to day.
I have been here before years ago with him. The world does not give us long to get over a broken heart. The world has its own problems. So after awhile it is just assumed that we are fine, but really we are not, but we have to at least act like we are. And now it is so much further down the road, and I shudder at the thought that is going to take me months, years? to get past all this, and in the meantime the youth of my life is quickly leaving me, certainly all too fast, and in these years I thought I would be having the best of times, and instead I am having the worst. Whether illusion or not, I was in love with my best friend, so my best friend was always with me, whether in person on in my heart. Now this is gone. And letting it go is so very hard. Plenty of people don't consider their spouse their best friend and I feel for them, marriage is so much fuller if you feel this for your spouse. I have so much good fortune, I know I am so very lucky. But it does not fix my broken heart or stop my tears. And that is all I can write at this time, I just don't want to cry anymore.
I count on my hands how long we have been separated, as if every day I will suddently find another month or two or year in there, when it was just yesterday that I counted, wait, let me count again, February, March, April, May, part of June, yep just 4 months, since February was near the end. Four lousy months. Not much can happen in 4 months. Yet I get stuck in the fact that I should be on some whole other plane by now, out of my marriage, but for all practical purposes I am still very much in my marriage, just now I am alone and cry alone. I actually found myself thinking today when I was at a bookstore, what would happen if I rounded the corner and there he was. I believed that I would probably just burst into tears. See, I cannot get past that I was not enough. I did NOT want to ever get divorced and I never thought we would. I am having such a tough time letting the illusion of what I thought was a lifetime partner, but none the less, someone I adored with every fiber of my being, letting this go. I know I must, I know I have no choice, I even believe that it was divine intervention that brought me to this place, but I find no real solace in that day to day.
I have been here before years ago with him. The world does not give us long to get over a broken heart. The world has its own problems. So after awhile it is just assumed that we are fine, but really we are not, but we have to at least act like we are. And now it is so much further down the road, and I shudder at the thought that is going to take me months, years? to get past all this, and in the meantime the youth of my life is quickly leaving me, certainly all too fast, and in these years I thought I would be having the best of times, and instead I am having the worst. Whether illusion or not, I was in love with my best friend, so my best friend was always with me, whether in person on in my heart. Now this is gone. And letting it go is so very hard. Plenty of people don't consider their spouse their best friend and I feel for them, marriage is so much fuller if you feel this for your spouse. I have so much good fortune, I know I am so very lucky. But it does not fix my broken heart or stop my tears. And that is all I can write at this time, I just don't want to cry anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment