Heavy Heart

You know, I have a heavy heavy heart these days. I feel like I stepped into a dimension where time stands still and emotions are forever--I will forever have a heavy heart and be broken hearted. This has been my reality. I find it hard to believe I will ever not love my husband, be over him, that this all will be my past, so past that I hardly relate to it. I believe that I must move past it to have a future, but in the very moment I find it hard to imagine that one day I will look back and read this and say "wow those days are gone." I hate the fact that I have to let it all go. I don't want this to be my reality. I feel like I lived so much on a whim, did not consider my own self in all of this, how I would deal down the road with my heart repairs, how brutal they would be, how they would shake me to my core, while the rest of the world moves on, and it must, and I get that, and there are probably millions of "us" at any given moment roaming the earth, lost inside with no future plan, but I know for me, I don't want to hang out with "us" how depressing that sounds. So I live in my own little world oh so often, and I have no control as it just pops up when I don't even want it to. I go running, and come home, and am overwhelmed with tears and find myself with my hands in prayer, kneeling, unable to speak, hoping somehow the universe will hear my call. The loneliness over losing one's best friend is agonizing and the toughest thing to endure. It is not like I can just go out and find some new best friend. Remember in Forrest Gump, when Forrest is heartbroken at Jenny's grave..that is how I feel.