Tiger the Narcissist

Weird. I don't know why it took me so long when the s**t hit the fan with the Tiger firestorm to put 2 and 2 together.........he is a total, 100% narcissist. Maybe when I heard something about his mom, about her knowing what was going on..I started to process it differently in my mind and then like a bolt from the blue,
N A R C I S S I S T popped in. Clear as a bell.

He is "special" in his mind. Rules do NOT apply to him (boy do I have experience with that trait with someone I know all too well.) and the list ..

Glibness/superficial charm
Grandiose sense of self-worth
Pathological lying
Cunning/manipulative
Lack of remorse or guilt
Shallow
Callous/lack of empathy
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions
AND incurably unfaithful--sex addiction and narcissism run hand in hand--they are connected!!

Yep these all now sum him up--don't know how I missed it, after all I have been through for 20 years in my own life, my radar should be sharper..

I think it was the sex part that finally got it for me--the "babes" just keep coming out of the woodwork--and unbelievably they all felt special to him. And his wife, I bet on some level, at least in the beginning she had no idea. Classic "look good/trophy wife" total narcissist trait. Looks like the clean cut family man, NOT.

This just reeks so much of narcissism that I can barely breathe. I am amazed he has gotten this far, I guess plenty of enabling going on. I love that he has so been caught. Yes maybe his career and endorsements might go on, maybe..but his wife, she should run in the other direction, FAST. She is way too young to throw her life away with him. He will NEVER change, it is who he is. The kids are young enough, leave now before they are used to the whole scene. He really only cares about himself, he is all that matters. Somewhere back in early childhood his parents created him like this, and there is no going back.

Failed Recipes

I feel like I am in my only little court room in my head and I really want to leave. Even though I have the email from me to prove my point, there is still, like in a cartoon, a little character who sits on my shoulder and bugs me, although I am getting better these days at knocking it away. I have been conditioned for so long to take some sort of blame for things and people, and the slightest accusation my way, when even sandwiched with something else, well, it is hard for me.

Couple that with all the emotions that come up with seeing and talking to "him" be it ever so brief, it still reaches to the very depths of me and throws me off my center so far, I have to catch myself before I start falling. I notice it is not immediate, almost like the survivor instinct kicks in, but later, later, it follows me.

Like a recipe, with so many ingredients needed to get it just right, that is how so much of life is with certain people floating around in it. A little too much here or not enough there, and the recipe, at least for that day or even small moment, does not come out.It is tough to have failed recipes, just sitting there on the table, with no one eager to jump in. I clearly had a recipe that did not come out, parts of it did I suppose, but as a whole, no.

It is a deep winter's day, and I want to be with it. I don't want to fall into the brief moment of yesterday, reminding me all over again what never was.

Tiger Woods

Okay this is almost unbelievable. Again, I don't know WHY I am always shocked!! This story, it is just TOO much.

I don't follow sports at all. I can name a handful of famous athletes, and could not tell you any stats about them. I think PRO sports figures are wayyyyy over rated, and wayyyyyyyyy overpaid, it is a sport for God's sake!! They are not curing diseases, or helping starving children, or anything else great. But whatever, they play a sport, and well, and society eats it up, and so do the sponsors! Again, all totally bizarre to me. And to totally go in a different direction, Serena or is it Venus (I really don't remember) has her name and image attached to a Tampax print ad, and I think, "Good God, don't you have like a zillion dollars!! Do you really want your name stuck with a tampon commercial?" Anyhow this is not about that...

Of course I know the name Tiger Woods. We all do. I knew he was a really good golfer, and a prodigy since like age 3. I knew he had a beautiful wife who gave him 2 cute kids. I thought he was some squeaky clean guy, a good guy. NO. None of my images seem to ever work out. Do we all feel this way--women at least?

I see the headlines the other day, and thought the car crash sounded weird, but whatever. I don't usually read The National Enquirer so I had no idea about the story that had broke. By the way, I think most of the stuff in there, for the most part, has some element of truth. Celebrities like to deny it up and down, but almost always there is something true about it. I look at the dope Rachel Uchitel, and think what a dope she is..trying so hard to be so important. I don't get how she is some jet setter flying into LAX and hiring Gloria Allred--did I miss something along the way. She denies, it yeah, whatever, maybe. Who knows. She looks like a Hollywood wannabe.

BUT, the story just keeps going. Today bright and early Jamie Grubbs hits the wires, (and she looks a lot like Rachel..they totally have that stupid reality show, 20 something, star look..) and she totally says they had an affair, was it 31 times or something, so funny to keep track!! And she has that desperate voice mail from him that they kept playing on Entertainment Tonight tonight, he sounds like some dumb high school guy. We just could not make this stuff up!! And he pretty much admits to it through a bunch of double talk on his website. Totally caught.

Now I just don't get it. Most people do get caught, at some point, accidentally or out in the open they get caught. Like it IS going to happen. BUT if you are a HUGE star, the whole planet knows who you are, then forget about it. And certainly not with some trampy ho, who has NO values and does not care at all about you or your family, only their own pathetic search for fame...and when you have a gorgeous wife at home, really!! And his wife was pregnant with his child when he is out cheating..I mean, again we cannot make this stuff up.

I am dumbfounded. I wonder when things will lose their shock value. I might be too old. Maybe for the younger gen out there, 35 and below, or 30 and below, nothing is shocking, in fact it is all totally normal. They live in a different reality. A reality show it seems.

He had it all. This might go away and be forgotten. I am not sure. I think he has fallen from grace.

Winter

As the darkest day of the year approaches, I find some comfort in it. As much as I love summer, and hot sunny days, I really am quite drawn to dark, and cold and misty days, with the feeling of snow in the air. It is not so much the image we have all become used to, the fun winter clothes, people smiling in their caps and scarves, and drinking hot drinks by the fire, candles all aglow, but almost more of an unobtainable reach, going back to something I miss, something I recognize.

Winter is the deep, dark, quiet season. Everything appears gone. I love the line in "The Rose"

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose

Can I say I kind of feel like sleeping beauty these days. Sequestered away in a high castle, covered in thorns, deep asleep, waiting to be reborn. I am not sure if a handsome prince is coming or not, most days I don't think so, I am afraid those days may be gone for me, and I don't like to stay too long in those thoughts, because I find them very sad..but I am hopeful that something is coming for me. That this long sleep will be over.

And while I am and have been asleep waiting for quite some time, there is also another part of me that is vibrantly alive and awake and the depths of winter are within me and I welcome it. I love to think of a cold, quiet, white landscape, with so much silence, and as far as the eye can see there is only solitude. There are no worries there are no dangers, there are no lies. And there I see me floating amongst the white snow in my own little world.

The Number 10

The number 10 is on my mind. I have not written 10 blogs entries in one month...oops, yes I did, last November, but that was a different time, before I fell apart. Doesn't sound hard, but it kind of is, or is it..? I don't know. Creativity is not something that just sits on the shelf and calls out "pick me pick me!" And you take it down and open it up and there is a roadmap of all you will do. It is more like a hidden path, a game of hide and seek, trying to open your locker in 7th grade and forgetting your combination..for me it has tremendous peaks when I am consumed, and then can drop to bleak depths, and I wonder, will I ever have anything else ever again to say? And that is a frightening thought. I hope it does not happen.

So I Googled meanings for the number 10, and there were a whole lot of them. Quite interesting really. This one spoke to me:

The number ten is regarded as the most perfect of numbers, because it contains the Unit that did it all, and the zero, symbol of the matter and the Chaos, of which all came out; it then includes in its figure the created and the non-created, the beginning and the end, the power and the force, the life and the nothing.

Funny. I just wanted to reach 10 blogs in one month as some sort of little milestone to myself. But now I have a whole new thought about the number 10. Maybe there is some sign here. That I made it through the beginning and the end, the life and the nothing, the created and the non created. Just a whole lot of nothingness engulfed in a whole lot of something. And tonight I wish I could unlock that locker, find the wardrobe, whatever..because I feel like there are things setting up before me, but I cannot see them, but there is all this stuff going on, like cotton candy swirling around, light and fluffy and sweet, but disappears so fast. I don't want to miss it. But I don't really feel like I have to do anything, it is all being done for me.

Here and There

This past week I have mostly been out of my present life, and that was oh so good. I don't think I realized how much I liked it, until I was back front and center with my present life, to be able to distinguish the very different reality that seeps in when I am not here. "Here" whatever that means. Here is wherever we go..not so for me. Here is this house, this town, this life I am living that once was a plan, some plan with plans within the plan. Now I am just a visitor to this "here" and mostly wish I could go to "there" instead. Funny, not intentionally, but I really sound like a Dr. Seuss book right now..

Almost by the mile, as I leave this house, this town, this plan that never worked out, as the miles stretch behind me and in front of me, whether by car, plane, or boat (Dr Seuss again..) but really all kidding aside, it is like I leave a dimension, and find some sort of new air, some new space that I can just crawl out of my little snail shell, unwrap myself and stretch out a bit, and all of that, and there is so much of "that" it all just seems to evaporate and I barely recognize it anymore.And that is such a freeing feeling. The feeling I have sought for almost a year now, to run away, and I cannot, which is like some kind of sentence, for a crime I did not commit.

So while I am forced to stay here, and cannot go there, I do so in my writing and my oil paintings, and sometimes in my dreams when they are not haunted, seeking a new me and and a new day..seeking so quietly, in the quiet that has become my here.

Haunted in My Dreams

Lately I have been haunted by dreams. Of him. So life-like, I wake up wondering, recalling what time and space I am in, and letting it all go once again. And I wonder why do I have these dreams, and is he in them in the dream dimension with me, do we somehow meet in my dreams, like dead people do when they come back to see the living in dreams. I suppose that could be true, we now exist in some other dimension. And one day I might not have the dreams anymore, and that is a sad thought, that it will all be gone. Or even more difficult is that I will keep having the dreams, and I will be forever in some other dimension, at least 8 hours a day. My doctor told me she still sometimes dreams of her ex, and she said it in a sad and forlorn way, with tears almost spilling over, and yet she is remarried. I remembered thinking that day, "I don't want to me in that space, one day, whenever that is, I don't want to be in that space," like between 2 dimensions, with legs stretched out between two.

It is most difficult to wake up and let the dream go--the dream I just had and the literal dream of it all as well, letting it go over and over. Then to pack it up into a small little box, and make my bed and stretch around on my pink yoga mat, and try to find some semblance of meaning again, like I keep doing Ground Hog day, over and over and over again.

I too have my legs stretched out between two dimensions--a past and an unknown future. Not secure in either. And my present, well it just is, there really is very little going on, perhaps there are more things going on than I even see, maybe life is rearranging itself right in front of my eyes, and one day, the drape will be removed from the artwork and I will say "wow."