Dis Illusioned

I wrote my friend a quick email today after talking to her today. Do you know what it is like after you have a conversation, and you think back that maybe you should not have said this or that, or went on too much about something,etc..That was me today...I almost shy away from conversations, because if I am honest, I am often found saying things about my life, that I don't want to say, like words in a cartoon bubble, now that are floating around and I cannot take them back.

So when I wrote her a quick note, I told her I lived in an illusion and now I am disillusioned, and realized I am not sure if I had strung those two words together yet. I have lived in an illusion for y e a r s. I don't know if I knew, maybe on some level, and tried h a r d e r and h a r d e r to keep that illusion going, for without it, then I just poof into a fine mist of unreality. I really really do feel like I am waking up, every day, like I cannot escape "waking up" and it is really difficult to examine my illusion without the rose colored glasses I wore for so long.

So now I am disillusioned. I went from a lovely illusion I created, to an ugly dis illusion, one I don't want. Now I know I have referenced Sex and the City before, but there was a line in an episode I recently watched as well, and Miranda yells to Carrie, "You are living in a fantasy!" And that is like ringing in my ears. I realize once the fantasy is gone, what then becomes the reality.

Somewhere, somehow, in my life I believe I kind of entered a fantasy love world. It became some kind of coping mechanism for me. I would create a picture in my mind, and then attempt to craft that, like a spell, instead of it being real. While fantasy is great for writing and painting and children's parties, and Halloween, and daydreams, it is not real..and just writing that makes me sad, because I like the beauty and innocence of illusion. And I wonder, is it not possible to have what I seek?

Cannot Live Without Each Other Love

It is the last day of August. Even though summer is not over for a few more weeks, the end of August always feels like the end of summer to me. It is the end of another season, in a year of an ending. Sometimes there just seem to be endings and then nothing, it is not like the beginning shouts out "hey I am here, look at me!" No to me the beginning comes in slow and quiet, and you might just miss it, it is elusive. I am still not really sure when my beginning arrived, maybe it is still sitting out there on the horizon. But I am quite certain of endings.

I watched one of my favorite episodes of Sex and the City the other night, the last one, when Carrie is leaving Alexandr, and says about the love she is looking for, "ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cannot live without each other love" and she realizes it is not there, and walks out, only to find Big in the lobby. I love the way she says that line. For a long time I thought I had that, or wanted to believe I had that, is most likely the case. I realize I cannot live my life from a line in a show, but I love that line. Maybe not all day, every day, but moments, glimmers, but always always in the background, never leaving.

In New Moon this summer, I recall reading that "love can break you" (I think that was a Bella thought..) and that is how I have felt for quite some time now. Some days completely broken, beyond repair, other days just a piece or two falling away..broken mentally, physically, and heartbroken, and knowing only time is the savior, or is it, I hope so, that and someone else..for I am not sure if we ever get completely over the bridge of h e a r t b r e a k without someone to bring us the final steps from despair.

This makes 50 entries this year so far. It is something I can leave behind for 2009, a way to exist, if just for me, beyond the ending which has often consumed me. The photo here is Maria and Captain Von Trapp from Sound of Music. I love love love that scene. It is what I so want.

End of Summer

I recall an ad in a magazine, many years ago...the headline, "Nothing cures my end of summer blues like real gold." It was a young woman, sitting on the beach, in some kind of floaty clothes, and she must have been wearing gold hoops or something..but I remember it so well because of the part about summer ending. I feel like this every year.

Summer is my favorite season. I LOVE being warm. I love the way the warmth engulfs me all through the day and while I sleep, I love waking up and being warm, able to walk around the house, take a shower, get dressed, all the while, while being warm! In the dead of winter here, I am so cold. I don't even want to change into pajamas at night, often I will just sleep in the sweats I was already wearing--even with the house 70 degrees, the idea of taking my clothes off to get into night clothes is sometimes too much. It is crazy, it is not like I live in Alaska! But Washington state, is plenty cold for me in the winter.

So back to summer..I love being warm. And with that goes clothes I love to wear, sandals, all the time, only short socks if I am going running or playing tennis, I never wear hose, or socks or enclosed toe shoes (well I did wear high black boots one night in Vegas, but they made the outfit..) So I love sandals. And sundresses, and tank tops, always, and bathing suits. Which brings me to my change this past summer. I have not for years actually sat too much in the sun. I know, I know, no sun tanning is the way to go, and I followed it for at least 10 years, fake tan and all. But I don't know...this summer, with my breakdown of my life before me, there was something very healing and welcoming about sitting in the sun. It was like my saving grace. I would lay on a lounge, on a nice sun soaked towel, and just be bathed in light and warmth, almost like a baptism I suppose. Every day if I could, and even just 30 minutes was fine, there were a few times there was much more. And I loved every minute of it, and wondered how I basically did without for 10 years. I guess for me it was like throwing myself to wild abandon, some people do really crazy things when their marriage breaks up, I pull out all the stops and sit in the sun!!
I figured, what the hell. Now I don't get the sunburns of my youth, and while I think I have a tan, most people would probably chuckle, and say "tan?" But for me it was enough.

And now, the sun is changing, every late day in August is ushering in the fall that is right around the corner. It is so easy to see and so easy to feel. Summer is leaving. I am so sad to see my little piece of quiet, my retreat in to warmth and comfort, disappearing before my eyes. This summer the sun held me like a life jacket. And so I think of the ad, about "my summer blues" I don't really want any gold, it would not matter, but it was a good ad, I remember it and I remember what they were selling as well as the ad itself, which is not an easy thing to do.
But the ad does not really matter.

Soon there will be rain, rain, rain, and I will once again be cold, and I will miss summer. Not that I don't find a certain beauty in fall and winter, as I surely do. Spring, well my least favorite, but I do love to see the days getting lighter and plants springing back to life. But summer, summer is my favorite.

45

You know how some people are all jacked up about their birthday? And they always have a party, and everyone attends, and they get great gifts..and they love every age, and have all kinds of great platitudes to say??Yeah, we all know these people, and good for them. I am not one.

I am on the eve of turning 45. Considering 44 was the very worst year of my life, I almost assume 45 has got to go up, but you know, I really just don't think that way anymore. It could be worse than my 44th year, it really could. Grave, awful things could happen, and make this past year pale in comparison. But for now, for blogging sake, I will say my 44th year has been the worst year of my life, hands down. It was like the perfect storm for life falling apart, all happening at the same time, just a huge crash. And yet while I believe I have chosen the lesser of two evils, for there really was no clear winning choice, I don't feel any great win, any "wow, watch out world.." hardly..I mostly feel sad, lost, old would be a good word, very, oh what is the word...disillusioned, like I don't even know what my life has now been about, let alone where it is supposed to go.

And while I do appreciate, I really do, the rallying cries of the fans, to dream, to achieve great new things, my life is just starting, and on and on, I don't really go for those tidbits anymore, those are meant for the un disillusioned (if that is even a word) for the dreamy out there, who think there is some great thing right around the corner, sorry, I don't really know if I believe that anymore. I do believe life is a series of choices--for those of us lucky enough to have choices...as I have grown to see, the majority of the world really has no choice--some stupid greeting card telling them how to dream and achieve big things, really has NO relevance in their mostly awful lives, that they have very little hope of changing..but that is a whole other story..but for those of us lucky enough to make choices, I see that choices are what runs or ruins our lives... I did this. I hoped and hoped and tried and tried to make my choice work out, because I wanted it SO bad, and could not bear it failing, but in the end, it failed, it failed so much, and now I am left to sift through the fall out of my life, at 45.

Can I just say, can I feel sorry for myself for one small minute, and say while I am glad I am not 60, and lost 30 great years of my life, I am on the other hand so sad that I am 45 and lost 15 great years of my life, what I consider at this point to have had the potential to be the best years of my life, and in moments or days, or even years, they were the best years of my life. And now I face a future that I don't see as the best years of my life anymore, and I feel old and alone and very intrepid about reinventing myself. I wish I could just hide out and make very very small choices. So forgive me, I wish I was a person all excited about my birthday and singing from the roof tops how great my "new life" is going to be, and how I am just going to be the brightest yet..and feeling the pressure that I should feel like that is the worst part of all.

So those are my thoughts on turning 45. Maybe next year when I turn 46, there will have been some miracle that I chose, and I will be one of those people ringing in my new year with a party and guests and great gifts, I just don't make plans anymore.

Vegas Wasn't It

Well Vegas clearly wasn't it Not at all. I probably could have gone for one day and night and maybe gotten out feeling better about the whole thing. I meant to take notes to remind myself of how I was feeling..

Let's see, to start with, the cabby who took me to the hotel told me he had to get over gambling and alcoholism--but he could just do it cold turkey--he knew he had a problem and quit. Umm..good for you? Either way, welcome to Vegas. I guess it was really good he did not tell me he had been a sex addict too.

I guess I thought the trip would be something else. I guess I thought I would feel different and a bit free of my life--not in the physical, but the mental torment I seem to have these days. I guess it might be true to say that was a little so. With the unbelievable people watching, I could turn my mind off, at least for awhile. Hmm...what are the stand outs..? How about the people, and I don't mean to sound bad, but for some reason, every one I saw doing this was Mexican...
handing out these trashy trading cards of hookers I guess? I mean they were naked, except for like a little star on a few areas..and they would "tap tap tap" these cards together, like is it called a "clapper?" and it was so annoying!! And they would hand these to me over and over and I would say "not interested!" Someone told me they might think I could be a swinger! God almighty. Then that night and the next day, forever, these pathetic cards would line the sidewalks and the gutters, and even some landed on my 8th story balcony--which I still do NOT get!! and all I could think "what do their parents think?" Hell their parents might have gotten them into the business, I realize I am so naive!

What else...the endless stream of 20 something young women, who for the most part are trying so hard and most probably give away the store and are fine with FWB (friends with benefits--I had to look up FWB the other day, as I had no idea what that meant--again, naive..) and they are just endless, just an endless stream, as well as 20 something guys who for the most part are pathetic and dumb looking and also trying so hard. Okay, I sound like some 45 year old...I know the 20s can be a weird time...I myself did a few really dumb things..but I guess I just never lived that life over and over again, it all seemed to pointless to me, I knew I wanted to be serious and be married (look where it got me, that is another blog, not this one..they are all connected!)

The foreigners, almost a breath of fresh air, as if Vegas is some kind of mighty landmark that must be visited--I hope the Grand Canyon gets more yearly visitors--I am sure it does not, and I have never been there, I should have gone there!!

I smiled when I would see families. I still do. I wished I was one. That is probably the main memory I take from my few days there. I felt painfully alone, and lonely. I did not want to pursue whatever I thought Vegas held, which I never found anyhow. The more I was with me there the more I wanted to get an early flight home.

It is not like I don't like me, I do. But I realized I may as well feel lonely at home these days, for free, and be in the space of my own 4 walls, than a plane's ride away in a sea of decadence.
Drinking and partying don't really appeal to me all that much. I did like some of the really nice hotels inside, and there was some lovely shopping. My big expenditure though was $40 at Forever 21 (I am embarrassed to say I bought anything there..) but it is a cute, short, fake fur leopard, three quarter sleeve jacket, and I do love it. It makes me smile of my trip to Vegas, oh and a pair of chandelier earrings. Sadly I could have probably bought this at my local mall.

I may have left my tormented mind a time or two during the trip, there were some laughs with my baby brother which were good, there was that feeling at 1:30 in the morning of being outside and not being cold, and I do love that, I wore a couple of outfits I really did like...but all in all I am not over this bridge, and do not believe any trip is going to change things. At least I did not spend a fortune. I advise myself of not another trip for quite sometime.

Going to Vegas

I have been meaning to take a retreat for months. I cancelled the one I had set. Then time just kept passing and one thing or another I just did not feel it, sometimes all I could do is get through the day, live through my own mind's noise for the day, and let the idea drift out to sea.

I don't think Las Vegas when I think retreat! I think convent, monastery, spiritual setting, hiking in the back country, even sitting quietly in the backyard. How can the bells, the "bing bing bing!" sound, the lights, the decadence, the flashiness, the alcohol, the music, the lost souls, and good looking souls, how can these all constitute a retreat for me..? I am not sure.

But perhaps somewhere in all the noise, and all the space that is NOTHING like my every day life, that I do not want to have anyhow, that no longer is a shoe that fits, because the other part of the pair ripped itself up and walked away and left one shoe in complete dismay, maybe Vegas is just what I need. A lot of decadence, a lot of noise, a lot of noise, I really want that right now, nothing that I am familiar with, loud music, tons of people, some lost souls and some not, I can just lose myself for a few days, and maybe somehow find a piece of me as well, that has been sunk and hiding so low that I have forgotten about her.

Maybe religious and spiritual retreats are not the answer in these moments, days, months, that just go and on. Maybe Vegas is, at least a little bit. But I won't know until my retreat is over.
I want to leave this head of mine so bad that reminds me over and over again every day what is, I want to silence it for awhile and just be in bright lights and fill my ears with the sounds of winning.

After Thoughts

Last week I curled up on the love seat in the family room with my little yellow bamboo blanket. I guess I have not done that in months, or perhaps the recent heat wave brought it out, but wow, there it was, the distinct smell of my husband's after shave. Like a ghost going through the room. It was there, sitting on the couch and wrapped in that blanket. For a moment my mind lost itself, and it all seemed so real to me, like he had just been there and was perhaps upstairs. And everything comes rushing back with a smell. I wanted to stay wrapped in that blanket for some comfort, but realized it was fleeting and not real. And the whole house is now like living in some type of memorial to my life that never was. Even though everything he gave me is gone or packed away, in a box, in a dark garage, it does not change the fact that we lived here, laughed here, loved here, ended here. And I don't see why often women, but sometime men as well I suppose, so desparately want to hold on to "the house." WHY? It is just 4 walls, but covered from head to toe with memories that cannot be washed away really. I look forward to the day I no longer live here. I dry cleaned that blanket (home dry cleaning system) and it seemed to do the trick, now it just lingers in my mind.