Grieving and Grieving

I sit here and stare at the screen. Like the mother tells the 2 year old "use your words," I find myself saying that to me. But I am overwhelmed these days of what words to choose. The other day I was outside doing some yardwork, and listening to music in my ears. I was suddenly overtaken by sorrow, just struck down, and I found myself on my knees on my patio in search of solace, as I felt my life had just passed me by, like a bus driving by that I did not catch in time. I could see myself there on the patio, and I felt sad for me. I had to go inside to catch my breath, and I was able to find my way back. I realized I am still in grief, but now I am grieving for a life I thought I had, but never really did (before I was grieving for a life I had (but did not know I did not have..if that makes sense.) So grief just engulfs me these days. It is so hard to be almost 45 and feel like life has not turned out. I cannot escape the legacy I have created for myself, or was created, whatever, it does not matter. I wish it was like school, and I could do some extra credit, and raise my grade, and erase the old grade. But not so in life. No matter what I do, I now have this legacy I do not want, that I cannot never get rid of. I have a legacy for my two children about their mom, that I do not want them to have, and it really bothers me.

If I go on to write a best seller, run a marathon, scale a mountain, make tons of money and live the life in a tropical paradise that I have always envisioned..I would give it all up, IF I could just have the life I thought I had, just have it work, not even perfectly. If I could just be with the one I loved, so much, if it was real, that is what I would do. I hate the idea of putting so much time, and effort and trust and love into something, to have it never work out, basically blow apart in a million pieces in my face, and just be nothing. This is hard for me.

I am very envious of all the married people I know, who are making it through. Who are creating these amazing legacies for themselves and their children. Who are standing the test of time. I don't want to be a 2x divorced woman of 44, I don't want that. I don't want to start over. I want what I thought I had, and see that it was all an illusion and it makes it so hard to deal with on so many levels. It just leaves me feeling so alone and lost and failing. There is just no way around these feelings. I am alone on this path, it is my lonely path for now. I am open to it leading to brighter days, but at the moment find it hard to imagine not being stuck in failure on so many levels. I never wanted to be a member of people in their 40s getting divorced.

Shattered

I have not cried so much lately, and it has been a welcome relief. But as I cry a bit now, I resent having red puffy eyes again, and it is like a whole other thing to deal with.

This past week may have been the most brutal of my life. I found things out, that I would never in my most wildest thoughts imagined. It was like being steamrolled. I could barely get to sleep the first night. I felt there was “no place to go.” Tears were not the answer. I just could not escape me and the information I had discovered.

You think you know someone, at least you hope what you knew or believed was pretty close and then you are so blown out of the water that you cannot even catch your breath.
Beyond people you cannot live without, but must let them go, there is also learning things you did not know but must find out, and that pretty much sums up last week.

And while I have been so blown away by it all and angry on some level, but also have had to remove myself from the picture without really falling apart, there is now a part blending in a bit that truly has been let down, betrayed to the highest level, and I have to say it is a pretty tough cross to bear. I wonder how someone who “loves” someone and stood up and took vows, could so crush that person, so crush them, beyond what even seems possible.

But I realized that vengeance does not serve me, it just takes me down a path I do not want to go. It almost becomes like an addiction which is so not what I want to continue to have over someone. I realize I must let so many things go. I must let them go. I must realize it is not about me, but it is a pretty hard pill to swallow. I am overwhelmed again, maybe just so much reality is so much for me, and processing it all and still keeping myself in high regard and moving towards the future, it is a lot. As I may have written before, my sister in law wrote me that people are such disappointments and she is so right. It is just so hard to get past it all. To have reality or just an illusion so crushed, like a snow globe just being crushed on the sidewalk in a million pieces, it is a lot for the human heart to handle. But we all must keep going, what else is there to do.

Tarot

As I walk down a road I do not know, I find myself looking for answers every step of the way. Like a sense of security in each step, I need some kind of answer. Funny, I don't even remember the last time I was like this--it probably was 13 years ago. There is such a sense of peace when one is not looking for answers down an unknown road. How quickly we forget when we are back on course--it is like that awful, crap, pot hole ridden, meandering road with no end, just falls away, and we know we will never see that road again..or so we (I) have hoped for so long. I did not think I could bear to be on that wretched road again. And here I am.

So I found myself at the book store, looking for answers. In a nice locked up case, are all the Tarot Cards. I am drawn strongly to them. My daughter and I look them over, and agree on the Mystic Faerie Tarot, they look gentle and sweet and answers I would want.

Last night I picked just one card, just to give it a whirl. I did not shuffle them, just drew a card. I got 5 of Cups. The Mourning Card. My god, how is this possible, what are the odds? Huge I guess, considering I am picking from a Tarot card deck. The card is a beautiful fragile mermaid, who holds in her head in her hands and she sobs in grief. The card acknowledged my loss in a relationship and while mourning is necessary, not to stay there too long. I think mourning is tough for me. So I put it away, and went on to have dream filled sleep of my loss.

Tonight I thought I would read a bit more, and learned there is the Past, Present and Future reading--the one I had did with one card is also a reading (I had no idea.) So this time I really shuffled the cards, and cut them, and then drew 3 at total random and spread them out--
the one on the left for Past, the middle for the Present and the right for Future. Behold, if I was not a believer yet, the Present card I pulled is AGAIN the 5 of Cups. I cannot believe this. I have spent this whole day in mourning, as I worked for hours in the yard and listened to so much music and cried as I worked in a lovely garden, and noticed how I continually feel like a ghost in my own life.

The Past card was the Four of Pentacles, which is a lovely card, with a faerie sitting admiring her harvest. The card says she cannot remember being so happy in her life. The is clearly the truth. I remember so clearly being happy. Knowing that sad road was done. I did not have to follow it anymore, so lost. It said to gather your bounty and plan for the future. To keep enough for lean times. To be grateful for my bounty. I believe I was. Except for the past couple of years, I remember being happy. Not every second, but I remember being so glad to be done with heartbreak.

My Future card was the Star. It is about serenity and peace. She is water, and refreshes and renews and gives hope. She guides us and her powers are endless. Whatever has been trying your spirit,what difficulties you have faced, whatever sadness has torn your heart, the Star brings a place to be refreshed and find hope. She will serve as your guiding star to help you find your way. But first, rest.

My Future card is unbelievable. Like the hand of god has just reached down. As I prayed this morning for direction and comfort, in the quiet of my alter space, as I seek something I don't currently have, I feel this card is a sign for me. And as my Present card has stated, stay as you must in mourning , but do not live there. And as I write this, and hang my head in my hands, not even realizing just now that I look like the mermaid on the card, I know I cannot live in mourning, but I am not ready to go. It is overwhelming and so beyond what I could have ever imagined that I would feel. Like 20 years are just crushing down on me, surrounding me on all sides, crashing again and again, like waves I cannot escape, barely able to swim through. I ask over and over, why was I not enough? Why could I not make it work? These are the things that torment me. I know I have said it before, but I so wanted this to work, with everything I have, it is so hard to not be able to live without someone, and yet you must.

Love of My Life

Today I went to see my attorney, as I sort through the various legal documents on the road to divorce. It is like this meeting each week that I just don't want to go to, because I don't want to face reality, face the music. I keep thinking I am in some sort of unending dream and one day it will be over, but one day never comes.

As part of the paperwork, she has her clients write "The Story of My Marriage." She told me today it was clear as she read it, that Evan is the love of my life. Like this amazing ton of bricks, I just broke into tears. I had not even expected to cry in the office today. But it is such a truthful statement, there is just no denying it. And again I was face to face with a reality that is no more, that just does not matter, that will not be, and I have nowhere to go with it, but just to look at it, cry and let it be.

It is quite a powerful thing to have a love of your life. That is not a title easily given to someone. I don't think anyone earns it though, if we had to earn that, most of us would never get such a title. It just has to be felt by the other person. And once the title is bestowed, somewhat like not having to earn it, it is equally as hard to take it away. The mind might want to rip it away, but the heart continues to hold on, like a total separate entity, living in another reality. I do believe in more than one Love of Your Life. I guess letting one go is a hard thing to do. But it does happen. I guess I was the love of my husband's life. At least I think I was. I did not often feel day to day as important as I would like, but I also cannot say that I did not feel loved. Maybe it was all an illusion, but none the less, it felt real to me. As the song True Companion was sung at my wedding, I always believed I would be with Evan forever, looking for him in heaven one day. As we danced to What a Wonderful World I don't think I could have been more happy than I was in those moments. I loved him to pieces.

Oh I know, one should just get on with the process of divorce. Stop with memories, the heart stuff that just crushes. I agree on some level. But to deny it, is just a lie, and fooling myself.

"It is clear, he is the love of your life" just sits in my ears. I knew it, but hearing it aloud was like a statement I could just not avoid. It makes the whole thing of ending this so much harder for me. I so wanted to age with him. I just had this vision, like the song 100 years. Maybe I live too much in a unrealistic world, full of hope and dreams, and then sometimes tempered by reality and I cannot juggle both. I don't know. 20 years. The love of my life. Gone. Almost in the blink of an eye. I feel so forgotten.

Sandy

I must write something for Sandy, while the memories are so real. Sandy, one of our dogs, died a week ago Sunday night. We knew it was coming. He was sick, failing fast. In his last days I found so much compassion for him, and I kick myself for not being so much more so for longer. I feel like I somewhat failed as a pet owner in the last part of his life. I was so consumed with my marriage and watching it ebb out to sea, that the dogs, at times, were just so much for me to even deal with, which is awful to say.

Sandy and his brother, Shelly, Australian Blue Healers, were with us for 14 years. Shelly is still here. Sandy was the "baby" of the two. He always needed so much attention. Would bark at you until he got it. We had such a journey with them over the years. The last couple of years it was like they aged decades all at once, becoming much more feeble, unable to take long walks, getting sick (throwing up) losing their hearing, not even hearing the door bell any longer. I have had the pleasure the last year or so, that while I worked they sat on the couch next to me. Sometimes they were so asleep, I worried they had died. Often when I would go downstairs to lunch, Sandy would follow. He would sit and wait for his treats. Treats, it is what their life is about. If they went outside and came in, a treat was in order. The last couple of months Sandy did not follow me downstairs all the time, often either did Shelly. I would bring biscuits up to them, and sometimes could not even wake them to get them to eat it. I could see them falling away before my eyes.

The last month with Sandy was achingly sad, as I saw him falter so much, almost overnight he became a shadow of his former self, unable to walk far, panting for air, his backbone starting to show. It became really obvious he was not long for this world. And my marriage was falling away, so I was just so confronted with grief it was so hard to watch it. I am happy to say that in his last week, I made him chicken and eggs with cheese, and was delighted to see him gobble it up, and up, and brought him water right to him. I felt like for a few days I was giving hospice care to him. I knew these were the last days. It was beyond hard for me to have my husband move away, and then two days later to learn that Sandy died at the vet on a Sunday night, he did not even need to be put to sleep, he just went on his own, he was gone.

I recall him as a puppy, cute beyond words. He and Shelly were even "show and tell" for my daughter Megan when she was in the 5th grade. They were so small, they could both curl up on the front seat of my mustang. They shook with fear in the classroom.

Sandy loved frisbee and ball, and was a bit obsessed with it in his younger years. He always was jealous of Shelly, if you noticed Shelly, Sandy would come running over. He had to have attention. He would bark incessantly when my husband came home, like he was like a little kid who had to talk about his day. I miss him so much now. When I saw Marley and Me this past December, it made me so sad. I wished I had been a better pet owner. I felt like I had failed them in some ways. I always thought my husband was the better pet owner. I mean he adored them. He loved to cuddle with them, talk to them, kiss them, it was inspiring, always.

I did see Sandy two days before he died, almost comatose on his pillow in the truck, looking like he was at death's door. It was sobering and certainly the ending. Endings, they are brutal.

It is said you see your pets when you die, they come running. I hope so. Now Shelly lingers on, so lost and alone and I wonder when his time will be. So the end of an era.

Cancelled

I have missed my blog. I have been so awash in grief and uncertainty that there have been days I can barely get through. I should have been blogging, it would be good to look back on and see my steps, but I could not, it was like another door had shut on me. There was no access to me.

The other day I thought about my breakup of my marriage and my divorce that is just waiting out there, and felt like I had booked a wonderful trip to Europe but somewhere in route ended up in a third world country on the street, alone and afraid. How did my plans get so changed? But I suppose that I am in that third world country right now on the street, and alone and afraid, so I may as well start walking and see what I come to. Maybe around a corner, or somewhere down the road there will be something astounding that I had not expected. One thing for sure, the trip to Europe has been cancelled, not rescheduled, cancelled.

I have felt like a ghost in my own life, floating through the days. It is totally surreal to me and there is no safety zone, at any moment, anything could totally disrupt me and cause me to fall apart, if only inside, or at least until I am back to the safety of my 4 walls. Every day is different than the one before, but not in a good way but more so in a way that is completely undependable and without instructions on how to handle.

I am just rambling tonight as I am exhausted from the past few weeks of turning a huge ship around and taking a course that I really have no idea where it is going. What a terribly unsettling feeling. And the world goes on. No one really stops for you, they cannot.

In the midst of it all, one of our dogs died. His death to me was such a metaphor for our life, ending in its final days, in pain, slowly slipping away, but the end was right there, staring at one in the face. He may have died at the end of it all from his own broken heart beyond being old and sick and feeble. He left his brother behind who is now alone and lonely and I am sure so confused about it all, having moved away from his home.

And the snow and the rain just keep coming and winter seems to be endless this year, and there is a part of me that does not want it to end, does not want to see long sunny beautiful days, as I feel I will have to use them and be part of them, where with winter it is so much easier to hide.

I search for meaning, am looking for new paths, and read the other day that sometimes we cannot live without someone, but that we have to let them go anyway, and that is how I feel, and what a tough thought that is, I can hardly get my arms around it.

Divorce

I sit here and stare at the screen, wondering what exactly I will write. I really had no idea one week ago, even less than that, that I would be getting divorced. Oh I worried about it. I implored my husband to answer me, work with me, be my partner, for years now, but I guess I thought he would come around. I did not know he would say "I decline" and "I will look for a place to live." At this very second I am really angry. I want him to be gone. It is torture knowing you are breaking up, and then the person is still in the house. And I wonder what he is up to? Have the ads been placed, the profiles set up? And a part of me wants to kick me and say who gives a shit?? let it go!!

Thursday night we told our daughter. While she was broken hearted, she, I guess like little kids do, seemed to bounce back, all at the same time. Who knows, it is all new, so it could totally change day to day for her. Once her dad moves a real broken little heart might set in.

For me, that night, I was a mess. I cried and cried, while my husband sat there, and almost seemed smug to me. Deep down, I think he is breathing a big sigh of relief, I think he is excited that he is going to go find the "life" he thinks is out there, I think he stopped giving a rat's ass about me a long time ago. So I sat there alone in my upset, and then I went upstairs and cried so much that night that it looked like my eyes had been beat up, I mean it is like they were black and blue, and so puffy and so awful the next day. I cried for the loss of the life I think I have, because I cannot honestly say I think I have had the family life that has been presented to me. I really don't know. I know I keep up my part of the bargain, as squeaky clean as they come. But in any case I cried for the perhaps perception if not reality of what was leaving me, and sending me off to a course I have already been on 2x --once from a prior marriage with my first daughter about 20 years ago, then again with my current husband about 11 years ago, and now again with the same man. It is a course I find agonizing and slow and no way around and I think I cried more because I just don't know if I can do this again, I don't want to. And I cried because I now have to drag a second child through this course with me, so I cry for her, more so as she now has to deal with me. I cried for the failure of my marriage, when even though he might not agree, is a huge commitment and focus for me, maybe too much, maybe I want to make everything so right and he just does not care. But it is a failure, and now I have failed 3x at marriage--1x with husband number 1, and 2x with husband number 2, and this is all a bit much for me. As I write this I sob again, because I guess that is a huge thing for me. Here I sit 44, with 2 failed marriages, 2 kids from two different dads, and wonder what is my future, do I really have the zest to create one? I cried for letting my daughter down, as this time around I SO DID NOT want this to happen. I have tried so hard at this marriage to make that not happen, but it did anyhow. I cried I guess just from sheer exhaustion as well.

So the last few days have not brought much relief. They have been like walking through the mud and agonizing to my heart, afraid at any given moment I will burst into tears, afraid to call anyone or go anywhere. And I am faced with what I believe is a core issue, that I do not present the love life he wants, not what he thinks a woman should be, some type of woman I am not and cannot be. So there is just another lack for me. And as I packed up any thing to remind me of him, from photos to jewelry, all for my daughter now or down the road, I cannot say I felt better, but felt I was doing something good for me. I think when he and all his stuff is gone I might feel a bit better, but I cannot really say. I know more than anything I want to sell this house, but with the market I am not sure if that is possible right now, so I feel like I am sentenced to torture. Then there is work, how will I get through it? How will I be an upbeat salesperson, when I don't even want to get dressed in the morning? Meals have been almost non existent as I feel cold and frail as my body as probably hungry but I have no appetite.

I so $%^&# do not want to be here again. I want to be like my neighbors on the block in nice good marriages and dinner table conversation and working in the yard. I don't want to be where I am at. I even searched "how to run away" as I thought there might be some great gem there, but no luck, as I expected.

And while I sit in my office, which has become like my little home, as I am sleeping in here as well, I just want to throw the computer out the window and all this bullshit with it. As I told my friend the other day, "I am pretty much broken hearted." Really shouldn't I be? How do other people just move on? I wish I had been born like that.