Last night I went to a local coffee/become -wine -bar -at -night- place, with my friend. The music was great. It was fun looking around the room guessing how old women were and then telling ourselves we looked much better (honestly we did, and the competition was not that tough!)
As usual, give me just a drink, a crowd, conversation and music, and I am off. It is like the energy that has been buried inside of me suddenly brings itself to the surface. We were leaving and I really wanted to do more. I said "I really want to go somewhere else now, I want to go out.." and from behind me I hear "You tramp." It was said in a very fun, comical way, like a line being delivered. Not mean spirited at all. It was said by a rather handsome grey haired man, about 45, with a woman standing next to him, and they were smoking, cigarettes, I think. I played right into it, saying "Oh my god, thank you for calling me a tramp! " Giggling up a storm. "I will have to email my mom and tell her someone called me a tramp." That made for more laughter. It was a joke of course, but my sister and I have heard over the years if my mom thinks we have been trampy.
But in that moment, I felt noticed. Someone, a man, spoke to me, and it was somewhat of a sexual term to throw out there. I know it sounds ridiculous that hearing some silly comment would make me feel alive, but it did. I have been so starved for male attention for so long. I am basically very shy, and don't walk up to men, don't talk to men, as I mostly think they won't be interested in me. Lifetime problem. So getting a remark from the shadows, was some kind of win in a very bizarre way. It is funny, we never know when a moment will arrive when we feel "real." And in that moment, I did.
And then I came home and wrapped up my evening with house cleaning.
As usual, give me just a drink, a crowd, conversation and music, and I am off. It is like the energy that has been buried inside of me suddenly brings itself to the surface. We were leaving and I really wanted to do more. I said "I really want to go somewhere else now, I want to go out.." and from behind me I hear "You tramp." It was said in a very fun, comical way, like a line being delivered. Not mean spirited at all. It was said by a rather handsome grey haired man, about 45, with a woman standing next to him, and they were smoking, cigarettes, I think. I played right into it, saying "Oh my god, thank you for calling me a tramp! " Giggling up a storm. "I will have to email my mom and tell her someone called me a tramp." That made for more laughter. It was a joke of course, but my sister and I have heard over the years if my mom thinks we have been trampy.
But in that moment, I felt noticed. Someone, a man, spoke to me, and it was somewhat of a sexual term to throw out there. I know it sounds ridiculous that hearing some silly comment would make me feel alive, but it did. I have been so starved for male attention for so long. I am basically very shy, and don't walk up to men, don't talk to men, as I mostly think they won't be interested in me. Lifetime problem. So getting a remark from the shadows, was some kind of win in a very bizarre way. It is funny, we never know when a moment will arrive when we feel "real." And in that moment, I did.
And then I came home and wrapped up my evening with house cleaning.
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