The Sound of Silence

I read the other day that we should be able to sum ourselves up/our life purpose in one sentence. I feel like I have just been given a tough assignment. Trying to sum my life up one in sentence that defines me in an important way is such a ..I don't know..that fact is that I don't even want to think of myself like that, at least not at this moment. It makes me feel very alone and under a spotlight, of "what did I accomplish" the same unsettling feeling descends on me when I think "what if I never find love again, someone I am excited about..what if that was it, and now I am doomed to spend y e a r s alone.." and when I don't think about it, and just keep moving, doing something, keeping my life going, I don't feel bad. But just writing it right now, as a moment ago it was a fleeting thought, I start to feel sad about the romantic state of my life. I don't want to place ads, I don't want to join clubs, I don't want to go to events purposely looking for someone, and the more I write right now, the more sadness descends on me, and I realize I better find the escape hatch, and fast, because I have avoided this pretty well for quite some time.

So now I have just depressed the hell out of myself, as I don't know what I would say is my life purpose, and I am alone. I feel so sad reading that, it almost becomes funny, like a line from a sitcom. Then when I start thinking about it that way, the vibration gets a bit light again.

It did not help yesterday, when a former colleague of mine left me a voice mail saying she heard I was let go..now I have been told by my management that that is not the case (usually if you are let go you prefer to hear the news from your company and not someone else..) but it cannot help but get wheels rolling in my head--did someone tell her something that is to happen ...and who the hell told her that..even though I would like to leave it be, and in many ways I did, much better than I would have in the past..I cannot deny it has rattled me a bit, in conjunction with feeling alone and not being able to articulate my life purpose.

I read once, we should have something to do, someone to love and something to look forward to. I am feeling a bit shaky on all 3 right now. Honestly. I have not come to any conclusions with this tonight, except I am going in a circle. I am going to see if I can move the energy through some other means, maybe I will paint my closet. There is a very thrilling Saturday night in the single life. It is not that I won't enjoy painting it, it is more the thought that I can hear the silence, and today for some reason it was tough.