Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Fall Thoughts
It seems to happen to me often..I finally come back into my blog, and cannot even remember writing my last post (as it had been quite awhile ago..and..I like what I read! :)) It was awhile ago, more than 6 months. Things so changed! Just like days later, he got back in touch with me, and weeks later we were back together! Funny how these things happen. Maybe putting my "spell" out to the universe was just what needed to happen.April was a glorious month, of love ushering back to me, and my daughter getting married in a fabulous wedding in Northern California. It was a month of love.
And all the months that have followed have been beautiful and wonderful and I would be pressed to find any real complaint, in a world filled with so many problems, mine seem so insignificant when compared.
I am in my 49th year now, that date rolled around at the end of August. I don't really feel 49. Frankly I don't feel any different than I did 30 years ago. I am sure 20 somethings, would say, yeah, you are not 20 something,..but I don't feel months from turning 50. Maybe that is the secret of living and staying young, to sort of remain ageless. I am not trying to be 25, but I don't know what 50 is, and I sure don't feel 50. I feel beautiful.
One thing to touch upon, is I came face to face with grief last winter, and I saw it consume me in a way that scared me. I was so immersed in it, that I truly could not see my way out. I realized that grief may me too much for me, that if I am not careful, I won't find my way back. So I have sort of put a self imposed time frame for me in the future and also a mental list of things to do that keep me on track..sort of. Grief is such a part of life, but I suppose it is also in the way we handle it. I don't want to fall of a cliff next time, there may be no branch to grab onto as I fall.
I am just happy right now. I love this time of year so much. I love the Halloween decorations in my neighborhood, and the thick fog, and the beautiful sun when it still shines. I love seeing my breath in the air, and wearing a cap over my head. I love that the days are shorter, and I am tired at 9 at night.
I love knowing we are deep in harvest and going towards the introspective time in our lives. I like the cycles of life.
I don't have anything earth shattering to say or to bestow upon anyone. I feel like my life is like a photo in a magazine for fall entertaining, or family pictures, or a catalog picture that I already have right here. There is so much heartache and deep despair every day, all over, and I feel like it passes me and so many I know by, and that is sometimes hard to really take in, life is such a crap shoot.
Xo
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Staying on My Path
I just re read my last post and wow myself :). I cannot believe I was lucid enough to write, let alone that. It was like I was the living dead, and I admit, I said to myself, "I want to die." But as I said it, I realized it was not dying that I wanted, but to just disappear, to at least go somewhere where there was no phone, no one to "look" at me and see what they could see..like watching a disaster in front of their eyes, no computer, no nothing. I found myself in a little cottage, I placed it in England, along the coast, and there, I had him walk up the path to my little cottage, and I had us walk out on the path together. And there in that moment, I found a lot of peace. I could bring him back to me, just as I willed it to be in my daydream, and for a time I was content. And I thought about it often during my "living death" and it filled in my heart. I have not thought about this until day, for quite some time, as I had to let the idea go, I had to come back into life, and leave my daydream behind.
I don't really remember the last 2 months, not really, although there have been some very good times in there, and I know I have laughed. I shopped, a lot, I found quite a bit of happiness in it..and decided to let myself do this..I did not buy so much as I just craved to be in a busy shopping center, in the middle of it all, and to look at things that I found beautiful and to be part of the crowd without even trying. I drank coffee, and usually I only go the decaf. route, but caffeine gave me a major boost and I needed to get out of the mud I was wading through. I worked out. I read. I watched a lot of "Friends" on TV, and I let it make me laugh. I went out a few times for drinks and music, and I even got asked out, that was fun...I realized, it does not take much, just stepping out back into life, and easily I will be "seen." So I filled my time the last two months, and yet they were lost months.
But as I know and it is quite clear to me the older I get, time does not just standstill while we figure out the pain. Each moment we dwell in the pain of the heart, is time we are losing and will NEVER get back..there is no bank to later go to, to take a withdrawal from and add to our time. I just don't want to live in a sad tragic love story, I feel like I have done enough of that in my past..no, I really want to live right now, and live well, and love even more. I am just meant to love, it is what fuels me. Not in some obsessive way, but more of a way of being..I cannot understand why people CHOOSE to be alone for years, not really connecting in a loving way with someone, when really that is what life is about.
So I am back on the path to being in love and getting married. And it may sound crazy to some, but not to me. I am not getting married tomorrow to some guy I meet on the street corner, but I feel sure that I must have a future and plan in my mind, so I can live into that, and not take paths I don't want to be on. I am sad that the one I was on did not pan out, I so thought it was set, I never even questioned its stability...From this I take the lesson that people are not always who they seem and pretend to be, and that is tough for me, as I always am upfront about who I am and what I want.
But I remain 100% in my life plan. I want just what the Christmas Card in an earlier post shows. That is the essence of who I am. A family Christmas Card every year. That is it for me.
I will close with this line that I read recently..
"Real love is not off the rack. It is uniquely tailored by the lover to the beloved."
I don't really remember the last 2 months, not really, although there have been some very good times in there, and I know I have laughed. I shopped, a lot, I found quite a bit of happiness in it..and decided to let myself do this..I did not buy so much as I just craved to be in a busy shopping center, in the middle of it all, and to look at things that I found beautiful and to be part of the crowd without even trying. I drank coffee, and usually I only go the decaf. route, but caffeine gave me a major boost and I needed to get out of the mud I was wading through. I worked out. I read. I watched a lot of "Friends" on TV, and I let it make me laugh. I went out a few times for drinks and music, and I even got asked out, that was fun...I realized, it does not take much, just stepping out back into life, and easily I will be "seen." So I filled my time the last two months, and yet they were lost months.
But as I know and it is quite clear to me the older I get, time does not just standstill while we figure out the pain. Each moment we dwell in the pain of the heart, is time we are losing and will NEVER get back..there is no bank to later go to, to take a withdrawal from and add to our time. I just don't want to live in a sad tragic love story, I feel like I have done enough of that in my past..no, I really want to live right now, and live well, and love even more. I am just meant to love, it is what fuels me. Not in some obsessive way, but more of a way of being..I cannot understand why people CHOOSE to be alone for years, not really connecting in a loving way with someone, when really that is what life is about.
So I am back on the path to being in love and getting married. And it may sound crazy to some, but not to me. I am not getting married tomorrow to some guy I meet on the street corner, but I feel sure that I must have a future and plan in my mind, so I can live into that, and not take paths I don't want to be on. I am sad that the one I was on did not pan out, I so thought it was set, I never even questioned its stability...From this I take the lesson that people are not always who they seem and pretend to be, and that is tough for me, as I always am upfront about who I am and what I want.
But I remain 100% in my life plan. I want just what the Christmas Card in an earlier post shows. That is the essence of who I am. A family Christmas Card every year. That is it for me.
I will close with this line that I read recently..
"Real love is not off the rack. It is uniquely tailored by the lover to the beloved."
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Please Get Back on the Path
This past Saturday my life took a turn that I would never have
imagined would happen. One minute I was
totally in love and in a loving relationship, and the next minute the person I
love was walking out of my life, professing to no longer love me and our life
together. I never heard about it until
then. Everything had been just as usual,
all days were with love, even that morning, so I don’t know what happened.
I cannot believe I can type that right now, for 4 days ago I
was broken. I still am, I guess now I am
just numb and know that there is nothing I can do about this at the
moment. I give this up to the
universe..he will either find his way on the path again or he will let it
go. I am deeply saddened with the idea
that this is gone.
I want to proclaim in writing, if I need to again, that I
want to be married. It does not have to be today, or next week, but I am not in
a 2.5 year relationship just for good times and laughs. I want the picture of commitment, and I have
not waivered on that…it has been very clear.
I thought he was on the same page in the same book, I honestly don’t
know when he switched books..or maybe he just lost the book the other day, and
now is lost in the library..could truly be so.
Getting lost is never good.
There is no win in being lost. There is walking around in a circle in
the dark trying to figure out where the path was that you took yourself off
of. The path is still there, you just
have left it..the path did not disappear.
I have been your walking partner on that path, and I will not leave you.
But I need you to come back to the path.
I cannot follow you, as you did not invite me, and I don’t take paths
that don’t go anywhere. I won’t let
myself. I may have in the past, but my
higher self speaks to me and guides me more these days, or perhaps now I
listen..and I won’t go on paths that are not suited for me or go nowhere.
Please get back on the path.
This path leads to great beauty, adventure, true commitment forever, a
love that will never leave you, a love that will hold you all day long and
comfort you at night, a path that will add dimension to your life and take you
from loneliness and often empty living.
I want to be married.
I know this. I don’t find it a
stressful idea, and I am sorry if for you it makes you want to run away. I am guessing, as I have no answers from
you. I wasn’t pleading with you to get
married today, but I thought it was the future, it was on the path. There is no path for me that will not include
marriage, I cannot take paths that do not lead there..I see way too much of a
win with that, to gamble on a life of just seeing how it goes..there is no grounding
to that, and now I see, I was trying to be patient and letting things flow, and
instead I made a wrong turn on the path.
I am still on the path. I hope you will join me on the path
again. I still see you on a wedding day with me, I still want that..no fanfare
is needed. But there may be more to leaving the path than just this, and again
I don’t know, I don’t have any answers from you. I don’t believe you that you
don’t feel the same, I believe you ran away because you fear the future, and
your past is comfortable. I believe you love me as you always did. You have
left tremendous wreckage behind, and something I never thought you would do. I
never thought you would hurt me like this. I believed in you. But I cannot hate
you, and I can see clearer today, speaking from my heart, which is really the
only place to be. I love you. I love you
with my whole heart. You mean so much to
me. Please get back on the path with me,
and we will make the stops you need, all of them. We will follow the path down
all the winding turns, and we will stay together and I will hold your hand when
you are afraid.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thoughts Blowing Around Like Leaves
Feel like writing a buffet..too much going on in my head.
YAY YAY YAY on the election! Love Obama. LOVED his speech. I find myself mesmorized by him. I wish he was a pastor. He fits the bill way more than Romney, who has been a pastor.
Such a cadence in his speech, such a voice tone, that is so calming and very confident and humble and inspiring. I stand with him.
And we have pot legalized in WA, and gay marriage. What a win.
Fall is the perfect time of year. I have taken to walking my neighborhood quite often over the last 2 months, and find it quite calming. I guess I should have been walking a long time ago.
I see the same houses over and over, but being in a "storybook America" neighborhood, I never tire of them. I let my mind wander and wonder and think that maybe the walking will reveal something to me. There is great meditation in walking.
My 30th year high school reunion was pretty great. I think I look better now than I did 30 years ago, which makes me so happy :). But it is way beyond that. It was like walking back in time in a large way, these things are always like that, a moment in time back, for a night, and then back to day to day life. But the going back in time had a twist to it, I don't know, like viewing a little gem, a certain lost innocence, that for awhile, came back to be. Like the other night when I watched home movies of my two little girls, I have much more of my younger one as video cameras were much more prevalent 17 years after the first one. And watching those movies brings such a feeling to me, so nostalgic and also sad at the same time..almost too much. Photos don't quite bring that out as much, I think it is seeing it all in 3D, life before your eyes, that is past, can be hard to go back to, times gone by.
Anyhow, I was glad I made it. People were kind and genuine and there really was no sense of the superior, the " I did great, what about you.." that I may have worried on. And yet, it is over, and I don't know if I would venture a 40 year one.
My daughter got her PhD, and that was a bigger event than my 30th reunion. I am in awe of the accomplishments, and seemingly done with such ease. This is her time.
My birthday brought me some soul searching on worth and financial distress, and took awhile to kind of rise above it. This year my goal is "day to day" seems like a good idea. Just work on the present, what can be done, and not look at what needs to be done in the future or what has happened in the past. Past is gone, and the future is always changing based on how we live the present.
I am working on my book right now, trimming it down, widening it up where needed, trying to find the voice I want to convey. I love the idea of a movie and a play being made from it. To think I sat here for years trying to convey something and that maybe it would end up having a bigger than I every expected life..or maybe nothing, that is the flip side, or maybe something little, maybe just a memoir for my kids..I don't know. But it calls me right now.
I am still in love. I love someone being so nice to me all the time, so dependable. Kind and sweet. Hand holding love that I wanted. Funny how having this element allowed me to breathe easier.
Seems it should be easy to find, I guess one has to be very clear on who they are and what they are looking for.
YAY YAY YAY on the election! Love Obama. LOVED his speech. I find myself mesmorized by him. I wish he was a pastor. He fits the bill way more than Romney, who has been a pastor.
Such a cadence in his speech, such a voice tone, that is so calming and very confident and humble and inspiring. I stand with him.
And we have pot legalized in WA, and gay marriage. What a win.
Fall is the perfect time of year. I have taken to walking my neighborhood quite often over the last 2 months, and find it quite calming. I guess I should have been walking a long time ago.
I see the same houses over and over, but being in a "storybook America" neighborhood, I never tire of them. I let my mind wander and wonder and think that maybe the walking will reveal something to me. There is great meditation in walking.
My 30th year high school reunion was pretty great. I think I look better now than I did 30 years ago, which makes me so happy :). But it is way beyond that. It was like walking back in time in a large way, these things are always like that, a moment in time back, for a night, and then back to day to day life. But the going back in time had a twist to it, I don't know, like viewing a little gem, a certain lost innocence, that for awhile, came back to be. Like the other night when I watched home movies of my two little girls, I have much more of my younger one as video cameras were much more prevalent 17 years after the first one. And watching those movies brings such a feeling to me, so nostalgic and also sad at the same time..almost too much. Photos don't quite bring that out as much, I think it is seeing it all in 3D, life before your eyes, that is past, can be hard to go back to, times gone by.
Anyhow, I was glad I made it. People were kind and genuine and there really was no sense of the superior, the " I did great, what about you.." that I may have worried on. And yet, it is over, and I don't know if I would venture a 40 year one.
My daughter got her PhD, and that was a bigger event than my 30th reunion. I am in awe of the accomplishments, and seemingly done with such ease. This is her time. My birthday brought me some soul searching on worth and financial distress, and took awhile to kind of rise above it. This year my goal is "day to day" seems like a good idea. Just work on the present, what can be done, and not look at what needs to be done in the future or what has happened in the past. Past is gone, and the future is always changing based on how we live the present.
I am working on my book right now, trimming it down, widening it up where needed, trying to find the voice I want to convey. I love the idea of a movie and a play being made from it. To think I sat here for years trying to convey something and that maybe it would end up having a bigger than I every expected life..or maybe nothing, that is the flip side, or maybe something little, maybe just a memoir for my kids..I don't know. But it calls me right now.
I am still in love. I love someone being so nice to me all the time, so dependable. Kind and sweet. Hand holding love that I wanted. Funny how having this element allowed me to breathe easier.
Seems it should be easy to find, I guess one has to be very clear on who they are and what they are looking for.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
30 Years
This is a big weekend for me. It will be my 30th high school reunion. Shocking to me..I feel like I was just there! It is like I blinked and 30 years passed. I guess we cannot imagine such a thought when we are 18 (but I do remember my parents talking that way) and wah lah! here I am, 30 years later. I would not have guessed 30 years ago, that I would be married, 2x, divorced 2x, 1 daughter from each marriage..and one is almost 30..just graduating with her PhD one week ago..and my other just graduating elementary school one week ago...no I could not have imagined that 30 years ago..
I never really imagined much, which I see was a flaw in the way I pursued my life. The only plan I had back then was to attend UC Berkeley in the Winter of 1983..but it never happened. I took a major life path change. And from there on out, I never really imagined a future, I guess I sort of lived into it each year. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor am I wishing it was different. I just see, with such hindsight, that I had no clue of who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to do..I was majorly lost. It has been the last few years that this has become so apparent to me. Almost like an addiction, stopping in my tracks, and seeing who I am. Lucikly :), I did not gain 50 pounds, I am not sick, my kids are great, my boyfriend (husband one day?) is so lovely, my job has always worked out, so on the surface, people may think I have it all sewn up. But I know, I know there was so much potential in me, but because I became so lost, I was not able to realize it. It is not until now, 30 years after I left high school, that I am finally grounded. I wish I could stop the clock, or go back 10 years..not change a thing, just have 10 years back, that would be nice. There is the thought too, that perhaps there has been a part of me that has lived in disarray (while the day to day life I lead is so not, so quite a dichotomy) so anyhow, I have lived in such a way, because it was my destiny, that was the path for me..I am not sure. I do know, that I crave the calmness I now have. I don't have worries about love like I used to. I am often at peace, just when watering a plant, or washing a dish. It is like I crossed over to something else. I must run now. I have a flight to catch and people to see, and times to remember, that don't seem that long ago.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Sex and Politics..The Power of .....
It never ceases to amaze me, how DUMB men aRE!!! There are two great stories competing this week...dumb John Edwards and a new name, Arthur Huntington. Both revolve around secrets, sex, and money..no need to make this stuff up, it really does happen. Throw in the two accomplices..
Rielle Hunter (gag) and Dania Suarez.
Starting with the Secret Service scandal. When I first read it, it was appalling, but like any other story I guess I thought it would fade away..there are so many stories competing all the time. But it has not gone away, so today I read more about it, since it is not going away! Too funny..Let's see..
Arthur Huntington, described as "church going, family man" I LOVE THAT..isn't that always the case! What a great "church going family guy" he was down in Columbia! Dania Suarez says he was a terrible dancer and a huge drinker. She went back to his room, but he passed out. Seems he did not want to pay $800, but gave her $28! C'mon, buddy, how DUMB are you..? oh that is right, you are really dumb! The news is quoted as saying that this event unraveled this entire story. This dumb ass lost his job, perhaps really everything (although mousy wife is standing by her man..for now..) they are in hiding and put their house on the market!! So this dumb ass lost it all, for ..um.. $772!!!! that is laughable! God, borrow it on a credit card! I think it is a total burn on him. I only feel sorry for his kids. ($772 is a BARGAIN when you look at the John Edward's trial.. ) and now Dania is asking for $400k from Playboy, for a tell all and all look!
Edwards apparently used almost $1 million from private donors to hide his pregnant girlfriend Rielle Hunter..(made up name.) $1 million! wow..where the hell was she and what was she eating. He got ripped off, Huntington only needed to come up with $772 more and he could have hid the whole thing! So dumb ass Edwards, has an affair with scary Rielle Hunter..and it ruined his whole life. I mean ruined it. He caused great humiliation for himself, his children, and his dying wife Elizabeth Edwards, he lost his career, and now maybe his freedom. For Rielle Hunter?
It is almost impossible for me to get my arms around these stories, because I SO DO NOT relate.
It all goes to "the power of the p _ _ _ _" and I hate to even say that, it is some tacky thing a guy would say, but it seems to fit here. It is what brought these two guys down, and it is so dumb when you think about it..why would anyone throw it all away?? It is not like these are superb, gorgeous, high flying, successful women..not at all. ..reminds me of Tiger Woods..but I was not including him here..and at least he did not lose his career or do anything illegal..he just cheated, and man did he.
It makes me laugh. It really is Adam and Eve, 24/7. Women have so much power over men. It is amazing.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wherever You Go, I Go
I think I have said in here before how much I adore the book "The Last Lecture" I mean LOVE it! There is something about the writing style of Randy Pausch, that I could just listen to him forever. No wonder he was a professor!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
I reread the book recently, and had forgotten so much of what he said, the short stories that had meaning..every page of his book has meaning. I wish I was in a book group for this book. One thing I read last night brought me to tears..He mentioned a spiritual leader in India, who died in 1986,
Krishnamurti, who said this about what to say to someone you love who is dying..
"Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone." I love this quote. It completely embodies how I see religion, how we are always with those we loved, and it has nothing to do with religion. I could say that this is true in life as well, I feel I carry those I love around with me in my heart, like
the e.e. cummings poem
i carry your heart with me (i
carry it in
my heart) i am never without
it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and
whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my
darling)
i
fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my
sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are
my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a
moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always
sing is you
here is the deepest secret
nobody knows
(here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a
tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or
mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's
keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it
in my heart)
If you want to hear this to music, it is fabulous by Michael Hedges.
Sadly, Michael died far too soon, many years ago now. We saw him in concert a few times, and I felt
like the shows were a spriritual experience. He was beyond talented. I especially loved seeing his
mom at the shows.
This song and poem also have great meaning to me, as when my sister in law died almost 10
years ago my brother had this poem in the service, and I had no idea it had been important to them.
I sent him the CD after the funeral, and it was played many times.
I guess I am just feeling this today. How many people we carry with us. Time is short, too short.
My neighbor has cancer, I could not believe it. We took her cookies. I wish I could really help.
I am well, I am lucky, as I said again today, I should never complain, I have nothing to complain
about. I have been very blessed.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Worry Left The Building
I just need to catch up with myself. The other day I thought, I should be writing 1x a week, like a catch up..maybe Monday AM..it would be fun to see how I go week to week.
Last week my f'ing car brought me to my knees, again...really how much can a used car cost in repairs when I don't even own it? I could do a whole show on how to buy a car that will take a huge bite out of your finances, or I should say finances you do NOT have..And then that throws me into a downward sprial, as it is just a symptom of all my financial ..um..mistakes, poor plans, whatever words fits best at the time..and then I find myself in tears. It is almost funny now..I feel bad for me. I should video tape myself. I am not sad now..it is like this resolution that comes in every time after a financial setback..it takes a day or two, and then I am just totally resolved to more debt. One day, it will all turn around, I know it will, as it has before..isn't it always darkest right before the dawn?
The idea of being rescued is quiet seductive...how nice it would be ...one full swoop, and no financial worries..but then I think, this is my challenge to figure out. I was told 3 years ago by a psychic that I had earned my PhD in love..so maybe my financial one is right around the corner.
I read something today about not worrying about things..and I agree..last week I went from worried to foreclosed on, in about 5 minutes! There was a line in there about not worrying about the "account balance" which I do all the time. I am doing myself NO favors by worrying. I should use all my time for something that has some value, worrying is not building up an account balance..
Beyond the worry last week, I had a great weekend. I felt really happy. I love that when happiness just
comes in and sits on my shoulder..it was like I could not worry if I tried..."worry" had left the building. My mind is a mine field for sure..I need to steer clear of the "worry" section..
Last week my f'ing car brought me to my knees, again...really how much can a used car cost in repairs when I don't even own it? I could do a whole show on how to buy a car that will take a huge bite out of your finances, or I should say finances you do NOT have..And then that throws me into a downward sprial, as it is just a symptom of all my financial ..um..mistakes, poor plans, whatever words fits best at the time..and then I find myself in tears. It is almost funny now..I feel bad for me. I should video tape myself. I am not sad now..it is like this resolution that comes in every time after a financial setback..it takes a day or two, and then I am just totally resolved to more debt. One day, it will all turn around, I know it will, as it has before..isn't it always darkest right before the dawn?
The idea of being rescued is quiet seductive...how nice it would be ...one full swoop, and no financial worries..but then I think, this is my challenge to figure out. I was told 3 years ago by a psychic that I had earned my PhD in love..so maybe my financial one is right around the corner.
I read something today about not worrying about things..and I agree..last week I went from worried to foreclosed on, in about 5 minutes! There was a line in there about not worrying about the "account balance" which I do all the time. I am doing myself NO favors by worrying. I should use all my time for something that has some value, worrying is not building up an account balance..
Beyond the worry last week, I had a great weekend. I felt really happy. I love that when happiness just
comes in and sits on my shoulder..it was like I could not worry if I tried..."worry" had left the building. My mind is a mine field for sure..I need to steer clear of the "worry" section..
Monday, January 9, 2012
A New Version of Me
I need to redirect the blog a bit I think for this year. It is amazing to me how I have no desire to write about divorce anymore..before, during and after. It is kind of like I have said everything I want to say or need to say. It is so "yesterday" to me now, and that is such a GREAT feeling. I almost laugh now that there was a time I thought I would never feel that way..like I could not get to that feeling let alone really comprehend how it would be. I want my life to be defined way more than by my personal life, certainly my personal life full of upset and tears..although don't get me wrong, most of it at some point will be there one way or another..and maybe what I have written during my time in total upheaval will help someone else get through theirs..I hope so, that would be really nice, that would be completing a circle..I don't know if I wanted to write it all just for me, like a big meal I was preparing, ate and then was done with..
I feel compelled to make this a break out year. I mean really. And I am going to be oh so bummed if I read this in January 2013 and not much happened that was compelling..! I need to accomplish big things on the work front, on the financial front, on the personal growth front. I want to continue to grow my business and personal relationships and have them flourish like lovely summer gardens.
I want to become something more than the me I have been for so many years..because there is a big part of me that believes I have just kind of been hanging out, playing life much smaller than I really could have, I could have been so much more..that is so apparent to me.
There is this great place I am these days, that I am just not going to get bent out of shape..well I don't know if I can totally make that leap, but I am mostly there. I am going to think the bigger picture, I am not going to fight what is, ie like how people are, they are not going to change, I can only change the way I react to them. I am going to be in a lot more moments, and not anticipate or worry about what is around the corner. I am going to take action on the things I can, and the things I cannot, I am going to do my best to let them go. I am going to try to be more patient, and I will watch the grass grow more.
I spent some time in December pondering whether I was OCD, after I was told by a family member that I was..(now that is another story, but a good example of not worrying about things I cannot change..ie what people might say..) After some pondering, I know I am not OCD..a cleaner, YES, a people pleaser, well..yes so much more in the "old days of Danna" but still somewhat so, just more discerning now. A perfectionist, sometimes, trying to let some things go. Ah, I almost forget what I was writing here..I think the point was that I am not interested in being all caught up in drama, or anxiety and trying to relax more..I won't become a totally different person, just a much better version of myself, that is what I aim to do this year. It is time. I have waited way too long.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Year Ends..........
I feel compelled to write something as the year is about to end..the ball will drop in less than 12 hours and 2011 will be no more..the new year has already started in Australia..
I seem to be more in love. It has been sweeping over me this past month. I look at him, and I love him more. Like a school girl. Our love keeps climbing, it has become more real and at the same time more like living a dream. I want to remember this and the way I feel.
My children have both been with me this holiday and I am happy. Happy to be with them, happy to have their presence about me. There is a certain completeness I feel sitting in this small office on a quiet and somewhat gray New Year's Eve.
I don't need any fanfare, although I do love it .....I am a fan of New Year's Eve.
2011 has been a beautiful year.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Higher
Well I kind of deserve a kick in the pants from myself this year for basically leaving my blog in the lurch. I have only written 2 entries..I could say I think about my blog, but in a way that would
I am not the same me as I was 3 years ago..as I said in my entry in July.
At this moment I am excited to become a better me. Sometimes I think about me, and wonder how I let so many years go by without really being in control of me, and certainly not celebrating and expanding on the gifts I came with..I was only dancing around the pool, sometimes putting a toe in..but I could have been so much more..so much. No one likes, could have , should have, would have..so I don't even want to go down that road..I say it not like a "woe is me" kind of thing, but more a revelation that I now see how I have been. I decided to keep myself much smaller than I could have been.
Maybe it is because my birthday just passed one month ago, and now I enter my 47 year..full of hope. I feel like I have 3 years to really accomplish some things..to really build and expand my life, I don't want to be 50 and say what have I been doing for the past 3 years. I guess a lot of my challenge is finances, I want to be proud of my finances, I want to be accomplished with them..but I want to flourish in all areas..love, family, arts, fitness, career, travel, friendships, writing..I want to present and be my best self. And then at 50 I will have a huge foundation to go forward with..
I give myself permission to go higher..to enter the higher frequency..it is right there after all..it is all just energy swirling around..all just time next to time, moving forward, and it all has an expiration date. Someday, all of my life, and all I know, it will all be gone. Sobering thought. And I don't believe I will be sitting in a chaise lounge eating grapes, but I hope I will be on an incredible journey through time and space, and surrounded by those I have loved..it is hard to imagine death being better than life..hopefully it is just a good..
So I move into my higher frequency. Like being stoned but not needing to be. Being very aware of every decision, every thing I think and say. Being willing to live even bigger, in the smallest ways that don't even seem measurable. It is all very "new age" but seems very right at this moment. I want to bring my higher self out and let it flourish.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
One Year
I am in a good place. One year ago I had just barely embarked on a whole new love life. I am happy to say that it is still here..it grew, and flourished and changed my life. There is a part of me that almost doesn't recognize the "old me." Oh I see it popping up here and there from time to time, but in a way that me has retired and I am glad. It was kind of a tired me. It was sad and frustrated at times..oh don't get me wrong, I like the old me a lot, and it got me to last summer. But it was time to spread my wings a bit, to become a better version of myself, and I did.
I passed the one year mark with my love, such a milestone. My dad told me to let a year go by before making long term plans, so I did, I went through all the seasons, and they were all wonderful. I felt cherished and well taken care of, and truly loved. I did not worry about a wandering eye, I did not feel like my self esteem was on constant red alert, trying to redeem itself around every corner. My self esteem was in full bloom. I loved, loved, loved..and I realized that it never will run out..that I can keep loving, which I guess I knew, but had forgotten the power and limitlessness of love.
I don't want to waste time filled with worry and regrets..neither of course do any good. I want to use all my days, as George Bernard Shaw wrote..
"I want to be all used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake."
I know for my heart in love, I want to use it. I don't want to retire it, put it on hold for 10 years waiting for just the "right thing" which never really comes anyhow, at least how we think it will just show up..love is there waiting to be had and to have..hearts are meant to be used. I may see things different than many people, I have come to think this might be true. People might think of me as a bit unrealistic with respect to love. I find it easy overall. Love is waiting for us. So I want my heart to love.
Some thoughts from our recent one year anniversary..
"I love you. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
Thy eternal summer shall not fade.
Summer is where I found you, my favorite season. There you were. Here you are.
And all these words still cannot convey how I love you, how you have changed my life to something I was not sure I would find. You are my love. I adore you.
O sweetest of songs……."
There is a certain chaos to love which I love as much as the order of it all. I can find myself on the brink of breaking down with uncertainty, and then relieved to feel such certainty. It is like an amazing math equation that is written all over a chalkboard, at last finding its answer.
I have left this blog this year, and I don't really know why. This has been such a glorious time for me..perhaps I did not need to write, and perhaps I have just been lazy, like a summer's day on a lounge chair. I am not sure.. I do know that I am in love, and it is the simple things that cement it more..like him hearing birds in the morning light from our bed, and him pulling me close deep in the night when we are not even awake, him bringing things for me, the simple act of putting things away so neat, a lovely smile across a dinner table..it is all the simple things, over and over, that add up, and seeing someone with love is a gift to behold.
I passed the one year mark with my love, such a milestone. My dad told me to let a year go by before making long term plans, so I did, I went through all the seasons, and they were all wonderful. I felt cherished and well taken care of, and truly loved. I did not worry about a wandering eye, I did not feel like my self esteem was on constant red alert, trying to redeem itself around every corner. My self esteem was in full bloom. I loved, loved, loved..and I realized that it never will run out..that I can keep loving, which I guess I knew, but had forgotten the power and limitlessness of love.
I don't want to waste time filled with worry and regrets..neither of course do any good. I want to use all my days, as George Bernard Shaw wrote..
"I want to be all used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake."
I know for my heart in love, I want to use it. I don't want to retire it, put it on hold for 10 years waiting for just the "right thing" which never really comes anyhow, at least how we think it will just show up..love is there waiting to be had and to have..hearts are meant to be used. I may see things different than many people, I have come to think this might be true. People might think of me as a bit unrealistic with respect to love. I find it easy overall. Love is waiting for us. So I want my heart to love.
Some thoughts from our recent one year anniversary..
"I love you. Truly. Madly. Deeply.
Thy eternal summer shall not fade.
Summer is where I found you, my favorite season. There you were. Here you are.
And all these words still cannot convey how I love you, how you have changed my life to something I was not sure I would find. You are my love. I adore you.
O sweetest of songs……."
There is a certain chaos to love which I love as much as the order of it all. I can find myself on the brink of breaking down with uncertainty, and then relieved to feel such certainty. It is like an amazing math equation that is written all over a chalkboard, at last finding its answer.
I have left this blog this year, and I don't really know why. This has been such a glorious time for me..perhaps I did not need to write, and perhaps I have just been lazy, like a summer's day on a lounge chair. I am not sure.. I do know that I am in love, and it is the simple things that cement it more..like him hearing birds in the morning light from our bed, and him pulling me close deep in the night when we are not even awake, him bringing things for me, the simple act of putting things away so neat, a lovely smile across a dinner table..it is all the simple things, over and over, that add up, and seeing someone with love is a gift to behold.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Gum Grafts
I will start out by saying this is an experience! I was told at least one year ago that I needed one if not two gum grafts on lower molars on either side. I was hesistant about the whole thing. Then this fall I "googled" it to find out more, and yikes, it sent me running in the other direction! Over and over, "pain, awful, pain, awful," it was like a huge sign saying "you don't want to do this!" So I forgot about it for awhile.
Then in February, once again it was said I should at least see a periodontist.
Here is the thing..
To do this, you need either a "graft" from the roof of your mouth, and that is what everyone said was the worst part..
or you can go with Alloderm, which is made from donated human tissue..which sounds..um..gross..
but there are no other options..
So then the doctor takes that, and sews it onto your gum. It sounds kind of harmless when you just read it as a 2 sentence process...
Well I broke down and went to see the periodontist after my dentist told me that she was afraid if I did not fix it I was in danger of losing the tooth. I have really nice teeth/smile. It is a favorite trait of mine. Losing a tooth is pure vanity for me, not going to do it.
The periodontist was a very nice, unassuming, older guy. He spoke in quiet tones, told me enough to inform me, but probably not too much to scare me. He said instead of taking a graft from the roof of my mouth, he was going to make an incision in the roof of my mouth, and then take a graft and then sew over that, so I would not have a raw roof of my mouth if he took the graft from there..
Okay, I signed up. I just kind of through myself in the pool.
So here is my experience..
I went in early, earlier the better for something like this. I had numerous shots of novacaine, I don't know how many. Beyond that, I had to wear a surgical cap over my hair..whoa..I wasn't ready for that..now I feel like I am having surgery. It is so when doing the "sutures" the thread doesn't get caught in my hair..um..okay..I had to have a much longer than usual little dentist type apron put on, you know the kind that clips around your neck..Then the assistant puts this thing on top on my chest, kind of reminded me of what you wear when you have dental exrays..little did I know it would serve as a "table" for instruments during the procedure..that was weird..
So now the doctor gets on with it. I can "feel" him cutting the roof of my mouth..it doesn't hurt at all, but I still know what is going on. It was almost like he was pushing the roof of my mouth, making me queasy at the thought of my tissue being cut off..ugh..Then that caught sewn up, I think..it is kind of a blur. During this, I can see his rubber globes directly in front of my face, and there is blood, my blood, on them, and it is not a small amount..I guess I did not expect that..and it is getting on my chin, and the assistant is wiping my chin, and that is really bugging me..I don't really like people touching my face! During this, the doctor would lightly toss tools on the little "table" set up on my chest, so that was odd too..what would they do with a gal with big boobs??
So now we move onto my gum. I thought that would be pretty quick..but it seems that he is cutting? my gum..not sure, but again I can feel something but it doesn't hurt. Hmm..for such a tiny area, why is he scraping it away? More blood, more shots. Then comes the graft, the thread going in and out, weird having sewing done right in your mouth right in front or your eyes.
It is over. They take an "after" photo, they took a "before" too. I am pretty much done. I cannot say it hurt, it didn't, but it was so much more than I thought it was going to be. My mouth feels hugely swollen, I cannot really talk. It was kind of like getting beat up on the face..not painful, but just so much going on. Nowhere near the same level of getting a crown, and for my wisdom teeth I was knocked out..don't know what a root canal is like though..
So now I drive myself home. I feel tired. I am told not to swish at all, but just to dab at the blood that is all over the inside of my mouth and falling out, with tissues, for the first day..yuck. So I set up my toxic waste bag, as this is not the type of thing you want to leave in the garbage. There is a fair amount of blood, or dealing with blood, for at least one hour. At one point I am thinking my mouth feels warm? only to find out that the roof of my mouth is bleeding, which seems like a lot, but I read the directions and see this can be normal, and apply pressure with some gauze and it does stop.
I can talk a bit better by this point, so call my boyfriend to let him know I survived.
It is almost impossible to eat or drink. The drink just falls back out of my mouth. You can really only eat jello, pudding, and slurp it down on one side. It is kind of awful, as I am actually hungry.
The day is spent watching tons of TV, more than I have watched in a long time. I was entertained though by "How I Met Your Mother." Laughing is really hard to do, it is like my face cannot make the movements it needs to.
The day goes on, I cannot say the pain is anything bad, but I was going to go get my prescription, for a stronger pain med than Ibuprofen, and a mouth rinse. Well I go to pick these up, and the pharmacist tells me that mouth rinse can cause black on the teeth or tongue..I hope not permanent..but in reading the ingredients it sounds like a major list of chemicals, so I give it back to her. I leave with the pain medication, but upon reading the huge list of side effects, I decide no thanks..I don't want this!! The pain is not bad, it is just more uncomfortable than anything else.
So I just take over the counter Ibuprofen, about 2 each day, for 3-4 days, that was all I needed.
My face was pretty swollen on one side. I should have used an ice pack, but it was just another thing to do, and frankly I did not have the energy.
Forget about brushing the areas of your teeth that were not part of the surgery that first day..opening my mouth was like a major feat. So I just used the mouthwash I bought, and off to bed. You need to sleep with your head elevated..it is more comfortable and you don't want blood and drool getting on your pillow. I slept okay. The next morning, I see there is a like a small blood clot on the side of my mouth, I can push it along with a Qtip, it was really gross, but it was more gross to have it in my mouth. My mouth is uncomfortable, but better than the day before.
Luckily I work from home..so I could hobble along. That night my jaw kind of ached, so I did do an ice pack for awhile. It seemed like the ice pack brought it out, I don't know, because suddenly it seemed, I had a large bright red, but spotty, bruise, all over my lower chin, and under my chin..so ugly! That was one of the worst parts..ugh..and a large yellow bruise along my neck. That all lasted at least one week..that I was not prepared for. I could cover my chin in makeup, I felt like an abused girlfriend..Happy to report it all went away.
So..each day got better, it was easier to eat. Cleaning the mouth was tough at first, and I was rinsing my mouth like 5 times a day, as I felt like I could not use my tongue to clean my teeth. The roof of my mouth stiches starting coming loose, and I cut some, I mean I had to. It was like a huge divet in the roof of my mouth, but they told me it would all fill in. My teeth around that area, and my lower teeth by the gum graft, those would ache from time to time. But the graft area, the roof of my mouth, my teeth, all started to feel much better after 1 week. It is two weeks now and what a difference. The sutures for the gum graft come out next week, cannot wait, they drive me crazy, and look ugly, but don't hurt.
I wish I knew all of this before going in. I like to know exactly what I am in for, although it is true people experience things differently. For pain, I would say 2-3 out of 5, for a few days, nothing I could not handle at all. The appointment in the office was no pain. It is just more the time after the graft is done in the office, once you go home, that is when I felt like it was all just a lot more to deal with than I had realized. And I am a busy person, so I don't like things that take me out of my normal routine of business!
The funny thing, I am supposed to have another one on the other side. But I am not signing up any time soon..I don't think I could force myself into the chair right now. Like childbirth, I need to forget about it for awhile. Oh, and insurance is all used for the year, so why not wait until 2012. Hopefully this gave you some great insight as to what to expect, it is not the worst thing ever, but it is way more than a simple dental procedure..
Then in February, once again it was said I should at least see a periodontist.
Here is the thing..
To do this, you need either a "graft" from the roof of your mouth, and that is what everyone said was the worst part..
or you can go with Alloderm, which is made from donated human tissue..which sounds..um..gross..
but there are no other options..
So then the doctor takes that, and sews it onto your gum. It sounds kind of harmless when you just read it as a 2 sentence process...
Well I broke down and went to see the periodontist after my dentist told me that she was afraid if I did not fix it I was in danger of losing the tooth. I have really nice teeth/smile. It is a favorite trait of mine. Losing a tooth is pure vanity for me, not going to do it.
The periodontist was a very nice, unassuming, older guy. He spoke in quiet tones, told me enough to inform me, but probably not too much to scare me. He said instead of taking a graft from the roof of my mouth, he was going to make an incision in the roof of my mouth, and then take a graft and then sew over that, so I would not have a raw roof of my mouth if he took the graft from there..
Okay, I signed up. I just kind of through myself in the pool.
So here is my experience..
I went in early, earlier the better for something like this. I had numerous shots of novacaine, I don't know how many. Beyond that, I had to wear a surgical cap over my hair..whoa..I wasn't ready for that..now I feel like I am having surgery. It is so when doing the "sutures" the thread doesn't get caught in my hair..um..okay..I had to have a much longer than usual little dentist type apron put on, you know the kind that clips around your neck..Then the assistant puts this thing on top on my chest, kind of reminded me of what you wear when you have dental exrays..little did I know it would serve as a "table" for instruments during the procedure..that was weird..
So now the doctor gets on with it. I can "feel" him cutting the roof of my mouth..it doesn't hurt at all, but I still know what is going on. It was almost like he was pushing the roof of my mouth, making me queasy at the thought of my tissue being cut off..ugh..Then that caught sewn up, I think..it is kind of a blur. During this, I can see his rubber globes directly in front of my face, and there is blood, my blood, on them, and it is not a small amount..I guess I did not expect that..and it is getting on my chin, and the assistant is wiping my chin, and that is really bugging me..I don't really like people touching my face! During this, the doctor would lightly toss tools on the little "table" set up on my chest, so that was odd too..what would they do with a gal with big boobs??
So now we move onto my gum. I thought that would be pretty quick..but it seems that he is cutting? my gum..not sure, but again I can feel something but it doesn't hurt. Hmm..for such a tiny area, why is he scraping it away? More blood, more shots. Then comes the graft, the thread going in and out, weird having sewing done right in your mouth right in front or your eyes.
It is over. They take an "after" photo, they took a "before" too. I am pretty much done. I cannot say it hurt, it didn't, but it was so much more than I thought it was going to be. My mouth feels hugely swollen, I cannot really talk. It was kind of like getting beat up on the face..not painful, but just so much going on. Nowhere near the same level of getting a crown, and for my wisdom teeth I was knocked out..don't know what a root canal is like though..
So now I drive myself home. I feel tired. I am told not to swish at all, but just to dab at the blood that is all over the inside of my mouth and falling out, with tissues, for the first day..yuck. So I set up my toxic waste bag, as this is not the type of thing you want to leave in the garbage. There is a fair amount of blood, or dealing with blood, for at least one hour. At one point I am thinking my mouth feels warm? only to find out that the roof of my mouth is bleeding, which seems like a lot, but I read the directions and see this can be normal, and apply pressure with some gauze and it does stop.
I can talk a bit better by this point, so call my boyfriend to let him know I survived.
It is almost impossible to eat or drink. The drink just falls back out of my mouth. You can really only eat jello, pudding, and slurp it down on one side. It is kind of awful, as I am actually hungry.
The day is spent watching tons of TV, more than I have watched in a long time. I was entertained though by "How I Met Your Mother." Laughing is really hard to do, it is like my face cannot make the movements it needs to.
The day goes on, I cannot say the pain is anything bad, but I was going to go get my prescription, for a stronger pain med than Ibuprofen, and a mouth rinse. Well I go to pick these up, and the pharmacist tells me that mouth rinse can cause black on the teeth or tongue..I hope not permanent..but in reading the ingredients it sounds like a major list of chemicals, so I give it back to her. I leave with the pain medication, but upon reading the huge list of side effects, I decide no thanks..I don't want this!! The pain is not bad, it is just more uncomfortable than anything else.
So I just take over the counter Ibuprofen, about 2 each day, for 3-4 days, that was all I needed.
My face was pretty swollen on one side. I should have used an ice pack, but it was just another thing to do, and frankly I did not have the energy.
Forget about brushing the areas of your teeth that were not part of the surgery that first day..opening my mouth was like a major feat. So I just used the mouthwash I bought, and off to bed. You need to sleep with your head elevated..it is more comfortable and you don't want blood and drool getting on your pillow. I slept okay. The next morning, I see there is a like a small blood clot on the side of my mouth, I can push it along with a Qtip, it was really gross, but it was more gross to have it in my mouth. My mouth is uncomfortable, but better than the day before.
Luckily I work from home..so I could hobble along. That night my jaw kind of ached, so I did do an ice pack for awhile. It seemed like the ice pack brought it out, I don't know, because suddenly it seemed, I had a large bright red, but spotty, bruise, all over my lower chin, and under my chin..so ugly! That was one of the worst parts..ugh..and a large yellow bruise along my neck. That all lasted at least one week..that I was not prepared for. I could cover my chin in makeup, I felt like an abused girlfriend..Happy to report it all went away.
So..each day got better, it was easier to eat. Cleaning the mouth was tough at first, and I was rinsing my mouth like 5 times a day, as I felt like I could not use my tongue to clean my teeth. The roof of my mouth stiches starting coming loose, and I cut some, I mean I had to. It was like a huge divet in the roof of my mouth, but they told me it would all fill in. My teeth around that area, and my lower teeth by the gum graft, those would ache from time to time. But the graft area, the roof of my mouth, my teeth, all started to feel much better after 1 week. It is two weeks now and what a difference. The sutures for the gum graft come out next week, cannot wait, they drive me crazy, and look ugly, but don't hurt.
I wish I knew all of this before going in. I like to know exactly what I am in for, although it is true people experience things differently. For pain, I would say 2-3 out of 5, for a few days, nothing I could not handle at all. The appointment in the office was no pain. It is just more the time after the graft is done in the office, once you go home, that is when I felt like it was all just a lot more to deal with than I had realized. And I am a busy person, so I don't like things that take me out of my normal routine of business!
The funny thing, I am supposed to have another one on the other side. But I am not signing up any time soon..I don't think I could force myself into the chair right now. Like childbirth, I need to forget about it for awhile. Oh, and insurance is all used for the year, so why not wait until 2012. Hopefully this gave you some great insight as to what to expect, it is not the worst thing ever, but it is way more than a simple dental procedure..
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Okay, I guess I just must be missing something..
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,2036683,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly
I was on Facebook for about 5 months..then I was getting divorced and I just couldn't handle taking my little heart down that said I was married..I did not want to put it out there, I just wanted to quietly be divorced and not in the the world of Facebook...so I just became a closed account I suppose.
I have not missed Facebook at all, not one bit. I found it all a waste of time and exhausting to waste my time..I must be missing something though, considering how popular it is and how much time people spend on there. ??? I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact, the day I took myself off it I felt better. I did not feel like I had to present how great my life was, all the fabulous things I was up to, tons of photos, showing my life in all its wonderful glory. hah.
It sounds terrible, but I don't really care what people are up to that I have not been in touch with for years anyhow..okay, that isn't totally true, I do like to catch up, but I don't need to keep catching up..it is like high school reunions for me..they are fun, but they are fleeting. My experience of Facebook, is that we have become obsessed with being important, and posting about ourselves, our lifes, photos, etc..seems to be a way to make ourselves bigger than we really are..are celebrities all that big anyhow?? only because they get ton of press, really they are just people... and my friends that I am in touch with, well I don't feel like I need to go to Facebook to see what they are up to, and same goes for my family.
From Time's Person of the Year..
Almost seven years ago, in February 2004, when Zuckerberg was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard, he started a Web service from his dorm. It was called Thefacebook.com, and it was billed as "an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges." This year, Facebook — now minus the the — added its 550 millionth member. One out of every dozen people on the planet has a Facebook account. They speak 75 languages and collectively lavish more than 700 billion minutes on Facebook every month. Last month the site accounted for 1 out of 4 American page views. Its membership is currently growing at a rate of about 700,000 people a day.
What just happened? In less than seven years, Zuckerberg wired together a twelfth of humanity into a single network, thereby creating a social entity almost twice as large as the U.S. If Facebook were a country it would be the third largest, behind only China and India. It started out as a lark, a diversion, but it has turned into something real, something that has changed the way human beings relate to one another on a species-wide scale. We are now running our social lives through a for-profit network that, on paper at least, has made Zuckerberg a billionaire six times over.
Facebook has merged with the social fabric of American life, and not just American but human life: nearly half of all Americans have a Facebook account, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the U.S. It's a permanent fact of our global social reality. We have entered the Facebook age, and Mark Zuckerberg is the man who brought us here.
Okay I have to say these are amazing facts and stats! I am very impressed! But I am still not a fan. See, I would much rather hear about important things going on in people's lives..I don't care about a party over the weekend..I care about who they are. I think we are becoming less and less interesting, I don't feel people offer a lot of depth, and that is way more interesting to me.
To be fair, I have not been on Facebook in over 18 months..so I don't know, maybe people are posting all kinds of things about themselves that show their depth..I am going to guess no...maybe I am just really weird, and completely missing the boat of why Facebook is so appealing..but I am going to say that people want to be important, and Facebook offers a small spot in the world to do that..but at the end of the day, I don't think it changes anything for the masses..life will move on incredibly fast, we will feel like it is so fleeting, and when we are gone our Facebook page won't really matter. But hopefully we will have written a person or two a really beautiful note, we will have connected with our parents and children and siblings and friends (and not hundreds of them, you cannot really have hundreds of great friends..) we will have made amends and we will have forgiven. We will have reached out, and shared some amazing laughs, and some tears, we will have made a difference to some very special people in our life. That is what matters to me and I don't need Facebook to do that at all.
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,2036683,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly
I was on Facebook for about 5 months..then I was getting divorced and I just couldn't handle taking my little heart down that said I was married..I did not want to put it out there, I just wanted to quietly be divorced and not in the the world of Facebook...so I just became a closed account I suppose.
I have not missed Facebook at all, not one bit. I found it all a waste of time and exhausting to waste my time..I must be missing something though, considering how popular it is and how much time people spend on there. ??? I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact, the day I took myself off it I felt better. I did not feel like I had to present how great my life was, all the fabulous things I was up to, tons of photos, showing my life in all its wonderful glory. hah.
It sounds terrible, but I don't really care what people are up to that I have not been in touch with for years anyhow..okay, that isn't totally true, I do like to catch up, but I don't need to keep catching up..it is like high school reunions for me..they are fun, but they are fleeting. My experience of Facebook, is that we have become obsessed with being important, and posting about ourselves, our lifes, photos, etc..seems to be a way to make ourselves bigger than we really are..are celebrities all that big anyhow?? only because they get ton of press, really they are just people... and my friends that I am in touch with, well I don't feel like I need to go to Facebook to see what they are up to, and same goes for my family.
From Time's Person of the Year..
Almost seven years ago, in February 2004, when Zuckerberg was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard, he started a Web service from his dorm. It was called Thefacebook.com, and it was billed as "an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges." This year, Facebook — now minus the the — added its 550 millionth member. One out of every dozen people on the planet has a Facebook account. They speak 75 languages and collectively lavish more than 700 billion minutes on Facebook every month. Last month the site accounted for 1 out of 4 American page views. Its membership is currently growing at a rate of about 700,000 people a day.
What just happened? In less than seven years, Zuckerberg wired together a twelfth of humanity into a single network, thereby creating a social entity almost twice as large as the U.S. If Facebook were a country it would be the third largest, behind only China and India. It started out as a lark, a diversion, but it has turned into something real, something that has changed the way human beings relate to one another on a species-wide scale. We are now running our social lives through a for-profit network that, on paper at least, has made Zuckerberg a billionaire six times over.
Facebook has merged with the social fabric of American life, and not just American but human life: nearly half of all Americans have a Facebook account, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the U.S. It's a permanent fact of our global social reality. We have entered the Facebook age, and Mark Zuckerberg is the man who brought us here.
Okay I have to say these are amazing facts and stats! I am very impressed! But I am still not a fan. See, I would much rather hear about important things going on in people's lives..I don't care about a party over the weekend..I care about who they are. I think we are becoming less and less interesting, I don't feel people offer a lot of depth, and that is way more interesting to me.
To be fair, I have not been on Facebook in over 18 months..so I don't know, maybe people are posting all kinds of things about themselves that show their depth..I am going to guess no...maybe I am just really weird, and completely missing the boat of why Facebook is so appealing..but I am going to say that people want to be important, and Facebook offers a small spot in the world to do that..but at the end of the day, I don't think it changes anything for the masses..life will move on incredibly fast, we will feel like it is so fleeting, and when we are gone our Facebook page won't really matter. But hopefully we will have written a person or two a really beautiful note, we will have connected with our parents and children and siblings and friends (and not hundreds of them, you cannot really have hundreds of great friends..) we will have made amends and we will have forgiven. We will have reached out, and shared some amazing laughs, and some tears, we will have made a difference to some very special people in our life. That is what matters to me and I don't need Facebook to do that at all.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Love Changes Everything
I feel like so much has changed in 6 months that in some ways I hardly recognize the "me" that was around for so long..and then of course there is the "me" that I will always know.. :)
2010 is almost now over. It was a great year. It was one of my best years in a very long time. I could say it is so, because I fell in love. That would be pretty honest. Love changes everything. Oh I know it is cliche, and I should have large, grandiose things going on in my life to change things, but I do not. I never really do. I am just not wired that way. I actually like being at home, cleaning the house, making dinner, raking the leaves, being a family, hearing "honey I am home." I feel like I am a character out of a 60s TV show.
I do women's lib a disservice..I should be saying my life changed because I ran a marathon, or got a degree, or went to Haiti and worked with the poor, or volunteered, and on and on..but that would be untrue.
Before being in love again, I did do a lot of work on me. Mostly internal, mostly cleaning "me" up, answering my own unanswered questions, finding a new path, putting the past behind me, really putting the past behind me, and I can say that is A LOT of work, I don't think it can be done overnight. But then it is done, and it does seem like overnight, as time is so fleeting..and then there is a whole new canvas staring at you, and life goes on. This was my journey. This was my grandiose thing.
I can live a very full and happy life not being in a love relationship..I proved that to myself for 18 months. In many ways it was a remarkable time. But at the end of it all, I am far more of a person, I blossom so much more than I can on my own. While I can love me, there really is much more in having someone love me. That might go against a lot of self help books, I don't know, and I really don't care.
2010 was my best year in a long time. I love, love, love someone and it changed my life, when 2 years ago I sobbed that my life was over, ruined, and I was devastated, for losing so much time, for getting older and not creating something that would last. But I don't feel like that anymore, thankfully, now I cry at sad movies and love stories, but not at my life..I hope it lasts.
2010 is almost now over. It was a great year. It was one of my best years in a very long time. I could say it is so, because I fell in love. That would be pretty honest. Love changes everything. Oh I know it is cliche, and I should have large, grandiose things going on in my life to change things, but I do not. I never really do. I am just not wired that way. I actually like being at home, cleaning the house, making dinner, raking the leaves, being a family, hearing "honey I am home." I feel like I am a character out of a 60s TV show.
I do women's lib a disservice..I should be saying my life changed because I ran a marathon, or got a degree, or went to Haiti and worked with the poor, or volunteered, and on and on..but that would be untrue.
Before being in love again, I did do a lot of work on me. Mostly internal, mostly cleaning "me" up, answering my own unanswered questions, finding a new path, putting the past behind me, really putting the past behind me, and I can say that is A LOT of work, I don't think it can be done overnight. But then it is done, and it does seem like overnight, as time is so fleeting..and then there is a whole new canvas staring at you, and life goes on. This was my journey. This was my grandiose thing.
I can live a very full and happy life not being in a love relationship..I proved that to myself for 18 months. In many ways it was a remarkable time. But at the end of it all, I am far more of a person, I blossom so much more than I can on my own. While I can love me, there really is much more in having someone love me. That might go against a lot of self help books, I don't know, and I really don't care.
2010 was my best year in a long time. I love, love, love someone and it changed my life, when 2 years ago I sobbed that my life was over, ruined, and I was devastated, for losing so much time, for getting older and not creating something that would last. But I don't feel like that anymore, thankfully, now I cry at sad movies and love stories, but not at my life..I hope it lasts.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Across the Room
I blinked and November came and went. It more just went. I barely even remember November..it seems like there was Halloween, Thanksgiving Day and then December 1.
I am really happy. I am very in love. I look across the room and think"I love you." It makes me almost cry to think it, let alone say it. It is like a rushing wave, that has come in and filled so many gaps in my soul that grew over the past couple of years. I don't know, but for me, those gaps can only be filled with being in love. And yet there is a part of me that wonders if the bottom will fall out. I feel like I was trained for so long, to be on alert, that at any given moment what I had would all fall away, and in the end, it did. So it is somewhat hard for me to believe it is real, it is not going away, it is not an illusion and I can believe. I hope so. I like feeling this way.
And there is this expanse now in my mind, I suppose like love opening up more and more. Hard to convey. It fills my thoughts, and my dreams. It becomes my future. I have said before that I am walking across two bridges--one that is leaving my past, and one that leads to my future. I walk them in tandem, although the past bridge I believe I have all but walked across. I don't feel like there is any more unfinished business. I am glad that I love my past. It is a good place to be. And I love the idea of my future, another good place to be.
I told my little daughter last night that I believe we are here to love and forgive. It is like a constant cycle, it never stops. It seems we must forgive all the time..it can be for very small things or much bigger things. But there is no getting around forgiveness. And love, love is this amazing part of life..it fills every day and so many moments, and we can see it by just looking across the room :) .
I am really happy. I am very in love. I look across the room and think"I love you." It makes me almost cry to think it, let alone say it. It is like a rushing wave, that has come in and filled so many gaps in my soul that grew over the past couple of years. I don't know, but for me, those gaps can only be filled with being in love. And yet there is a part of me that wonders if the bottom will fall out. I feel like I was trained for so long, to be on alert, that at any given moment what I had would all fall away, and in the end, it did. So it is somewhat hard for me to believe it is real, it is not going away, it is not an illusion and I can believe. I hope so. I like feeling this way.
And there is this expanse now in my mind, I suppose like love opening up more and more. Hard to convey. It fills my thoughts, and my dreams. It becomes my future. I have said before that I am walking across two bridges--one that is leaving my past, and one that leads to my future. I walk them in tandem, although the past bridge I believe I have all but walked across. I don't feel like there is any more unfinished business. I am glad that I love my past. It is a good place to be. And I love the idea of my future, another good place to be.
I told my little daughter last night that I believe we are here to love and forgive. It is like a constant cycle, it never stops. It seems we must forgive all the time..it can be for very small things or much bigger things. But there is no getting around forgiveness. And love, love is this amazing part of life..it fills every day and so many moments, and we can see it by just looking across the room :) .
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Girlfriend or a Wife
I am not sure if I really know how to be a girlfriend. I think I am more a wife, but then again I am divorced, so maybe I did not know how to be a wife either..
I wonder if we all "play house." Is that the way to make it work? I love playing house. I love the security I feel right down to my core.
Back to being a girlfriend. I like things kind of set in stone. Marriage is different than being just a couple. There just feels like a lot of loose ends. Less expectations. Less "knowns." Not that marriage is any guarantee, but it feels more like it. It is harder to get divorced than just break up, for the most part...I don't like the ebb and flow of being a girl friend. I find myself going up and down in emotions, are they real or just "love" infused..so hard to say..I know you cannot be a girlfriend before you are a wife..but it has been so long, more than 20 years, so I just really find it a challenge.I guess I see it like this..
child
teenager
grown up
girlfriend
wife
widow
dead
are you laughing? I know there is a lot more to it than that. But in my head, I see it as a linear equation..even though I have not lived it like that so I don't know why that is how I think of it.
It is hard to transition between girlfriend, wife, single and all the way back around again. I think some people are just really good at it. They don't take it all personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, I am forgetting that book--don't take things personally, don't gossip, always do your best, and don't make assumptions) maybe I should be re reading that book everyday, it might keep my head together..I kind of get caught up in taking things personally and making assumptions..those are my weak points.
I am happy. I smile a lot these days and am love infused. But there is a price. The price is knowing it could end. I mean I know it will all end, but I like the idea of it ending years down the road, when I am old and then become a widow and then die. That seems like the easy route.
I wonder if we all "play house." Is that the way to make it work? I love playing house. I love the security I feel right down to my core.
Back to being a girlfriend. I like things kind of set in stone. Marriage is different than being just a couple. There just feels like a lot of loose ends. Less expectations. Less "knowns." Not that marriage is any guarantee, but it feels more like it. It is harder to get divorced than just break up, for the most part...I don't like the ebb and flow of being a girl friend. I find myself going up and down in emotions, are they real or just "love" infused..so hard to say..I know you cannot be a girlfriend before you are a wife..but it has been so long, more than 20 years, so I just really find it a challenge.I guess I see it like this..
child
teenager
grown up
girlfriend
wife
widow
dead
are you laughing? I know there is a lot more to it than that. But in my head, I see it as a linear equation..even though I have not lived it like that so I don't know why that is how I think of it.
It is hard to transition between girlfriend, wife, single and all the way back around again. I think some people are just really good at it. They don't take it all personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, I am forgetting that book--don't take things personally, don't gossip, always do your best, and don't make assumptions) maybe I should be re reading that book everyday, it might keep my head together..I kind of get caught up in taking things personally and making assumptions..those are my weak points.
I am happy. I smile a lot these days and am love infused. But there is a price. The price is knowing it could end. I mean I know it will all end, but I like the idea of it ending years down the road, when I am old and then become a widow and then die. That seems like the easy route.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Years Pass Fast
I am astounded that I have lived in my current home for 5 years. First off, I have never lived in a place for more than 3 years in my entire adult life. That has always somewhat amazed me..it did not seem so at the time, but I really moved around a lot. I feel further behind the 8 ball in the financial department...like I went full circle back to nowhere. The rest of my life is really good, I am happy to say. I got my marriage/divorce complete and behind me. I am at peace with all of it. I am in better shape than I was 5 years ago. I like the way I look more than I did then. I am in love again. I am happy every day, maybe not all day, but I don't have a sense of dread looming over me. But finances, finances elude me. I don't want to be "reasons" I want to be "results." It is my project to get my arms around. Really I should be so far along. The "shoulds" is a very long list. I wish I had a trust fund, that would be really nice :) But I don't, that is the reality. The reality is I need to get my arms around this and handle it, I need 2011 to be my break out year. I cannot be here in another year wondering what I did for a year. I recall Terri Hatcher saying that before she got Desperate Housewives, she remembers being in her kitchen (she may have even said sitting on the floor) and wondering how she would pay her mortgage. I am not in that situation..but I found it somewhat comforting to read that--I mean she has had success in Hollywood, but in her 40s she really had gone nowhere.. then, it appears all that changed with her big break. I believe in breaks, although I suppose it might be where organization and planning meet one lucky moment. The passing of time is really before me..day to day it does not seem so fast, but then suddenly years have passed.
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