Staying on My Path

I just re read my last post and wow myself :).  I cannot believe I was lucid enough to write, let alone that.  It was like I was the living dead, and I admit, I said to myself, "I want to die."  But as I said it, I realized it was not dying that I wanted, but to just disappear, to at least go somewhere where there was no phone, no one to "look" at me and see what they could see..like watching a disaster in front of their eyes, no computer, no nothing.  I found myself in a little cottage, I placed it in England, along the coast, and there, I had him walk up the path to my little cottage, and I had us walk out on the path together.  And there in that moment, I found a lot of peace. I could bring him back to me, just as I willed it to be in my daydream, and for a time I was content.  And I thought about it often during my "living death" and it filled in my heart.  I have not thought about this until day, for quite some time, as I had to let the idea go, I had to come back into life, and leave my daydream behind.

I don't really remember the last 2 months, not really, although there have been some very good times in there, and I know I have laughed. I shopped, a lot, I found quite a bit of happiness in it..and decided to let myself do this..I did not buy so much as I just craved to be in a busy shopping center, in the middle of it all, and to look at things that I found beautiful and to be part of the crowd without even trying.  I drank coffee, and usually I only go the decaf. route, but caffeine gave me a major boost and I needed to get out of the mud I was wading through.  I worked out.  I read.  I watched a lot of "Friends" on TV, and I let it make me laugh.  I went out a few times for drinks and music, and I even got asked out, that was fun...I realized, it does not take much, just stepping out back into life, and easily I will be "seen."  So I filled my time the last two months, and yet they were lost months.

But as I know and it is quite clear to me the older I get, time does not just standstill while we figure out the pain.  Each moment we dwell in the pain of the heart, is time we are losing and will NEVER get back..there is no bank to later go to, to take a withdrawal from and add to our time.  I just don't want to live in a sad tragic love story, I feel like I have done enough of that in my past..no, I really want to live right now, and live well, and love even more.  I am just meant to love, it is what fuels me.  Not in some obsessive way, but more of a way of being..I cannot understand why people CHOOSE to be alone for years, not really connecting in a loving way with someone, when really that is what life is about. 

So I am back on the path to being in love and getting married. And it may sound crazy to some, but not to me. I am not getting married tomorrow to some guy I meet on the street corner, but I feel sure that I must have a future and plan in my mind, so I can live into that, and not take paths I don't want to be on.  I am sad that the one I was on did not pan out, I so thought it was set, I never even questioned its stability...From this I take the lesson that people are not always who they seem and pretend to be, and that is tough for me, as I always am upfront about who I am and what I want.

But I remain 100% in my life plan.  I want just what the Christmas Card in an earlier post shows.  That is the essence of who I am.  A family Christmas Card every year.  That is it for me.

I will close with this line that I read recently..

"Real love is not off the rack. It is uniquely tailored by the lover to the beloved."