The winks, the emails, the phone conversations, the feeling of falling off the map and starting all over again..it is really exhausting..I really don't know how people do it all day long..like running and running on a Habitrail wheel, with no end in sight, that is how it feels to me.
There is like this really loud silence all around me at the moment. I normally don't mind the quiet, but it is like magnifying this... compulsion? I am not sure what..this horrible "to do list" every single day of dating online and having no closure, or well maybe that is what it feels like, never ending closure, never really starting, no middle, I don't know! So I sit here and feel like I don't know what, what do I want to do..? just breathe through it, this too shall pass, well it is just like this never ending story now, and I am not finding it all that interesting.
I really don't want this hanging over my head. We are not meant to be "singles" floating around on this earth approaching all the time we have a-l-o-n-e. But I believe somewhere along the line, and probably just in the last few years, it has become ridiculously hard to meet people, which seems like a ridiculous thing to even say!! There are people everywhere! But I think there is this underlying thinking out there, "someone else better is going to come along.." and so people fly around, dive down, stay for awhile, maybe just even a minute or two, and then are back in flight. There is the Facebook craziness where everyone is SO important, not at all. The energy of it all exhausts me, and so is not what I am looking for. I am not sure if I am really suited for any of this. If I have to be alone, couldn't it be on some superb warm beach someplace, with days that stretch out into the next, where I have no worries and don't work..at least I would be warm :) I don't know, I seriously feel under house arrest and don't have a key out today.
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