A New Version of Me

I need to redirect the blog a bit I think for this year.  It is amazing to me how I have no desire to write about divorce anymore..before, during and after.  It is kind of like I have said everything I want to say or need to say. It is so "yesterday" to me now, and that is such a GREAT feeling.  I almost laugh now that there was a time I thought I would never feel that way..like I could not get to that feeling let alone really comprehend how it would be.  I want my life to be defined way more than by my personal life, certainly my personal life full of upset and tears..although don't get me wrong, most of it at some point will be there one way or another..and maybe what I have written during my time in total upheaval will help someone else get through theirs..I hope so, that would be really nice, that would be completing a circle..I don't know if I wanted to write it all just for me, like a big meal I was preparing, ate and then was done with..

I feel compelled to make this a break out year.  I mean really. And I am going to be oh so bummed if I read this in January 2013 and not much happened that was compelling..!  I need to accomplish big things on the work front, on the financial front, on the personal growth front.  I want to continue to grow my business and personal relationships and have them flourish like lovely summer gardens.
I want to become something more than the me I have been for so many years..because there is a big part of me that believes I have just kind of been hanging out, playing life much smaller than I really could have, I could have been so much more..that is so apparent to me.

There is this great place I am these days, that I am just not going to get bent out of shape..well I don't know if I can totally make that leap, but I am mostly there.  I am going to think the bigger picture, I am not going to fight what is, ie like how people are, they are not going to change, I can only change the way I react to them.  I am going to be in a lot more moments, and not anticipate or worry about what is around the corner. I am going to take action on the things I can, and the things I cannot, I am going to do my best to let them go.  I am going to try to be more patient, and I will watch the grass grow more.

I spent some time in December pondering whether I was OCD, after I was told by a family member that I was..(now that is another story, but a good example of not worrying about things I cannot change..ie what people might say..)  After some pondering, I know I am not OCD..a cleaner, YES, a people pleaser, well..yes so much more in the "old days of Danna" but still somewhat so, just more discerning now.  A perfectionist, sometimes, trying to let some things go.  Ah, I almost forget what I was writing here..I think the point was that I am not interested in being all caught up in drama, or anxiety and trying to relax more..I won't become a totally different person, just a much better version of myself, that is what I aim to do this year.  It is time. I have waited way too long.

The Year Ends..........

I feel compelled to write something as the year is about to end..the ball will drop in less than 12 hours and 2011 will be no more..the new year has already started in Australia..

I seem to be more in love.  It has been sweeping over me this past month.  I look at him, and I love him more.  Like a school girl.  Our love keeps climbing, it has become more real and at the same time more like living a dream.  I want to remember this and the way I feel.

My children have both been with me this holiday and I am happy.  Happy to be with them, happy to have their presence about me.  There is a certain completeness I feel sitting in this small office on a quiet and somewhat gray New Year's Eve. 

I don't need any fanfare, although I do love it .....I am a fan of New Year's Eve. 

2011 has been a beautiful year.

Higher

Well I kind of deserve a kick in the pants from myself this year for basically leaving my blog in the lurch. I have only written 2 entries..I could say I think about my blog, but in a way that would

not be truthful..honestly I have often forgotten about it. I just read my blog from July on my love and wow, I stunned myself! Is that too funny to say?! It brought me to tears. I am so happy for me. I should be putting my thoughts down on paper (well virtual paper!) and having something to reflect on more than my gum graft..thank god I wrote about my love! But there is so much more..every single day..I could be writing all the time. I am going to go with laziness, or maybe a contented heart, a full heart, a safe heart, that did not feel the need to reach out to the beyond in hopes of finding something.

I am not the same me as I was 3 years ago..as I said in my entry in July.

At this moment I am excited to become a better me. Sometimes I think about me, and wonder how I let so many years go by without really being in control of me, and certainly not celebrating and expanding on the gifts I came with..I was only dancing around the pool, sometimes putting a toe in..but I could have been so much more..so much. No one likes, could have , should have, would have..so I don't even want to go down that road..I say it not like a "woe is me" kind of thing, but more a revelation that I now see how I have been. I decided to keep myself much smaller than I could have been.

Maybe it is because my birthday just passed one month ago, and now I enter my 47 year..full of hope. I feel like I have 3 years to really accomplish some things..to really build and expand my life, I don't want to be 50 and say what have I been doing for the past 3 years. I guess a lot of my challenge is finances, I want to be proud of my finances, I want to be accomplished with them..but I want to flourish in all areas..love, family, arts, fitness, career, travel, friendships, writing..I want to present and be my best self. And then at 50 I will have a huge foundation to go forward with..

I give myself permission to go higher..to enter the higher frequency..it is right there after all..it is all just energy swirling around..all just time next to time, moving forward, and it all has an expiration date. Someday, all of my life, and all I know, it will all be gone. Sobering thought. And I don't believe I will be sitting in a chaise lounge eating grapes, but I hope I will be on an incredible journey through time and space, and surrounded by those I have loved..it is hard to imagine death being better than life..hopefully it is just a good..

So I move into my higher frequency. Like being stoned but not needing to be. Being very aware of every decision, every thing I think and say. Being willing to live even bigger, in the smallest ways that don't even seem measurable. It is all very "new age" but seems very right at this moment. I want to bring my higher self out and let it flourish.

One Year

I am in a good place. One year ago I had just barely embarked on a whole new love life. I am happy to say that it is still here..it grew, and flourished and changed my life. There is a part of me that almost doesn't recognize the "old me." Oh I see it popping up here and there from time to time, but in a way that me has retired and I am glad. It was kind of a tired me. It was sad and frustrated at times..oh don't get me wrong, I like the old me a lot, and it got me to last summer. But it was time to spread my wings a bit, to become a better version of myself, and I did.

I passed the one year mark with my love, such a milestone. My dad told me to let a year go by before making long term plans, so I did, I went through all the seasons, and they were all wonderful. I felt cherished and well taken care of, and truly loved. I did not worry about a wandering eye, I did not feel like my self esteem was on constant red alert, trying to redeem itself around every corner. My self esteem was in full bloom. I loved, loved, loved..and I realized that it never will run out..that I can keep loving, which I guess I knew, but had forgotten the power and limitlessness of love.

I don't want to waste time filled with worry and regrets..neither of course do any good. I want to use all my days, as George Bernard Shaw wrote..

"I want to be all used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake."

I know for my heart in love, I want to use it. I don't want to retire it, put it on hold for 10 years waiting for just the "right thing" which never really comes anyhow, at least how we think it will just show up..love is there waiting to be had and to have..hearts are meant to be used. I may see things different than many people, I have come to think this might be true. People might think of me as a bit unrealistic with respect to love. I find it easy overall. Love is waiting for us. So I want my heart to love.

Some thoughts from our recent one year anniversary..

"I love you. Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Thy eternal summer shall not fade.

Summer is where I found you, my favorite season. There you were. Here you are.

And all these words still cannot convey how I love you, how you have changed my life to something I was not sure I would find. You are my love. I adore you.
O sweetest of songs……."

There is a certain chaos to love which I love as much as the order of it all. I can find myself on the brink of breaking down with uncertainty, and then relieved to feel such certainty. It is like an amazing math equation that is written all over a chalkboard, at last finding its answer.

I have left this blog this year, and I don't really know why. This has been such a glorious time for me..perhaps I did not need to write, and perhaps I have just been lazy, like a summer's day on a lounge chair. I am not sure.. I do know that I am in love, and it is the simple things that cement it more..like him hearing birds in the morning light from our bed, and him pulling me close deep in the night when we are not even awake, him bringing things for me, the simple act of putting things away so neat, a lovely smile across a dinner table..it is all the simple things, over and over, that add up, and seeing someone with love is a gift to behold.

Gum Grafts

I will start out by saying this is an experience! I was told at least one year ago that I needed one if not two gum grafts on lower molars on either side. I was hesistant about the whole thing. Then this fall I "googled" it to find out more, and yikes, it sent me running in the other direction! Over and over, "pain, awful, pain, awful," it was like a huge sign saying "you don't want to do this!" So I forgot about it for awhile.

Then in February, once again it was said I should at least see a periodontist.

Here is the thing..
To do this, you need either a "graft" from the roof of your mouth, and that is what everyone said was the worst part..
or you can go with Alloderm, which is made from donated human tissue..which sounds..um..gross..
but there are no other options..
So then the doctor takes that, and sews it onto your gum. It sounds kind of harmless when you just read it as a 2 sentence process...

Well I broke down and went to see the periodontist after my dentist told me that she was afraid if I did not fix it I was in danger of losing the tooth. I have really nice teeth/smile. It is a favorite trait of mine. Losing a tooth is pure vanity for me, not going to do it.

The periodontist was a very nice, unassuming, older guy. He spoke in quiet tones, told me enough to inform me, but probably not too much to scare me. He said instead of taking a graft from the roof of my mouth, he was going to make an incision in the roof of my mouth, and then take a graft and then sew over that, so I would not have a raw roof of my mouth if he took the graft from there..

Okay, I signed up. I just kind of through myself in the pool.

So here is my experience..

I went in early, earlier the better for something like this. I had numerous shots of novacaine, I don't know how many. Beyond that, I had to wear a surgical cap over my hair..whoa..I wasn't ready for that..now I feel like I am having surgery. It is so when doing the "sutures" the thread doesn't get caught in my hair..um..okay..I had to have a much longer than usual little dentist type apron put on, you know the kind that clips around your neck..Then the assistant puts this thing on top on my chest, kind of reminded me of what you wear when you have dental exrays..little did I know it would serve as a "table" for instruments during the procedure..that was weird..

So now the doctor gets on with it. I can "feel" him cutting the roof of my mouth..it doesn't hurt at all, but I still know what is going on. It was almost like he was pushing the roof of my mouth, making me queasy at the thought of my tissue being cut off..ugh..Then that caught sewn up, I think..it is kind of a blur. During this, I can see his rubber globes directly in front of my face, and there is blood, my blood, on them, and it is not a small amount..I guess I did not expect that..and it is getting on my chin, and the assistant is wiping my chin, and that is really bugging me..I don't really like people touching my face! During this, the doctor would lightly toss tools on the little "table" set up on my chest, so that was odd too..what would they do with a gal with big boobs??

So now we move onto my gum. I thought that would be pretty quick..but it seems that he is cutting? my gum..not sure, but again I can feel something but it doesn't hurt. Hmm..for such a tiny area, why is he scraping it away? More blood, more shots. Then comes the graft, the thread going in and out, weird having sewing done right in your mouth right in front or your eyes.

It is over. They take an "after" photo, they took a "before" too. I am pretty much done. I cannot say it hurt, it didn't, but it was so much more than I thought it was going to be. My mouth feels hugely swollen, I cannot really talk. It was kind of like getting beat up on the face..not painful, but just so much going on. Nowhere near the same level of getting a crown, and for my wisdom teeth I was knocked out..don't know what a root canal is like though..

So now I drive myself home. I feel tired. I am told not to swish at all, but just to dab at the blood that is all over the inside of my mouth and falling out, with tissues, for the first day..yuck. So I set up my toxic waste bag, as this is not the type of thing you want to leave in the garbage. There is a fair amount of blood, or dealing with blood, for at least one hour. At one point I am thinking my mouth feels warm? only to find out that the roof of my mouth is bleeding, which seems like a lot, but I read the directions and see this can be normal, and apply pressure with some gauze and it does stop.

I can talk a bit better by this point, so call my boyfriend to let him know I survived.

It is almost impossible to eat or drink. The drink just falls back out of my mouth. You can really only eat jello, pudding, and slurp it down on one side. It is kind of awful, as I am actually hungry.
The day is spent watching tons of TV, more than I have watched in a long time. I was entertained though by "How I Met Your Mother." Laughing is really hard to do, it is like my face cannot make the movements it needs to.

The day goes on, I cannot say the pain is anything bad, but I was going to go get my prescription, for a stronger pain med than Ibuprofen, and a mouth rinse. Well I go to pick these up, and the pharmacist tells me that mouth rinse can cause black on the teeth or tongue..I hope not permanent..but in reading the ingredients it sounds like a major list of chemicals, so I give it back to her. I leave with the pain medication, but upon reading the huge list of side effects, I decide no thanks..I don't want this!! The pain is not bad, it is just more uncomfortable than anything else.
So I just take over the counter Ibuprofen, about 2 each day, for 3-4 days, that was all I needed.
My face was pretty swollen on one side. I should have used an ice pack, but it was just another thing to do, and frankly I did not have the energy.

Forget about brushing the areas of your teeth that were not part of the surgery that first day..opening my mouth was like a major feat. So I just used the mouthwash I bought, and off to bed. You need to sleep with your head elevated..it is more comfortable and you don't want blood and drool getting on your pillow. I slept okay. The next morning, I see there is a like a small blood clot on the side of my mouth, I can push it along with a Qtip, it was really gross, but it was more gross to have it in my mouth. My mouth is uncomfortable, but better than the day before.
Luckily I work from home..so I could hobble along. That night my jaw kind of ached, so I did do an ice pack for awhile. It seemed like the ice pack brought it out, I don't know, because suddenly it seemed, I had a large bright red, but spotty, bruise, all over my lower chin, and under my chin..so ugly! That was one of the worst parts..ugh..and a large yellow bruise along my neck. That all lasted at least one week..that I was not prepared for. I could cover my chin in makeup, I felt like an abused girlfriend..Happy to report it all went away.

So..each day got better, it was easier to eat. Cleaning the mouth was tough at first, and I was rinsing my mouth like 5 times a day, as I felt like I could not use my tongue to clean my teeth. The roof of my mouth stiches starting coming loose, and I cut some, I mean I had to. It was like a huge divet in the roof of my mouth, but they told me it would all fill in. My teeth around that area, and my lower teeth by the gum graft, those would ache from time to time. But the graft area, the roof of my mouth, my teeth, all started to feel much better after 1 week. It is two weeks now and what a difference. The sutures for the gum graft come out next week, cannot wait, they drive me crazy, and look ugly, but don't hurt.

I wish I knew all of this before going in. I like to know exactly what I am in for, although it is true people experience things differently. For pain, I would say 2-3 out of 5, for a few days, nothing I could not handle at all. The appointment in the office was no pain. It is just more the time after the graft is done in the office, once you go home, that is when I felt like it was all just a lot more to deal with than I had realized. And I am a busy person, so I don't like things that take me out of my normal routine of business!

The funny thing, I am supposed to have another one on the other side. But I am not signing up any time soon..I don't think I could force myself into the chair right now. Like childbirth, I need to forget about it for awhile. Oh, and insurance is all used for the year, so why not wait until 2012. Hopefully this gave you some great insight as to what to expect, it is not the worst thing ever, but it is way more than a simple dental procedure..

Facebook

Okay, I guess I just must be missing something..

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,2036683,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly

I was on Facebook for about 5 months..then I was getting divorced and I just couldn't handle taking my little heart down that said I was married..I did not want to put it out there, I just wanted to quietly be divorced and not in the the world of Facebook...so I just became a closed account I suppose.

I have not missed Facebook at all, not one bit. I found it all a waste of time and exhausting to waste my time..I must be missing something though, considering how popular it is and how much time people spend on there. ??? I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact, the day I took myself off it I felt better. I did not feel like I had to present how great my life was, all the fabulous things I was up to, tons of photos, showing my life in all its wonderful glory. hah.

It sounds terrible, but I don't really care what people are up to that I have not been in touch with for years anyhow..okay, that isn't totally true, I do like to catch up, but I don't need to keep catching up..it is like high school reunions for me..they are fun, but they are fleeting. My experience of Facebook, is that we have become obsessed with being important, and posting about ourselves, our lifes, photos, etc..seems to be a way to make ourselves bigger than we really are..are celebrities all that big anyhow?? only because they get ton of press, really they are just people... and my friends that I am in touch with, well I don't feel like I need to go to Facebook to see what they are up to, and same goes for my family.

From Time's Person of the Year..

Almost seven years ago, in February 2004, when Zuckerberg was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard, he started a Web service from his dorm. It was called Thefacebook.com, and it was billed as "an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges." This year, Facebook — now minus the the — added its 550 millionth member. One out of every dozen people on the planet has a Facebook account. They speak 75 languages and collectively lavish more than 700 billion minutes on Facebook every month. Last month the site accounted for 1 out of 4 American page views. Its membership is currently growing at a rate of about 700,000 people a day.

What just happened? In less than seven years, Zuckerberg wired together a twelfth of humanity into a single network, thereby creating a social entity almost twice as large as the U.S. If Facebook were a country it would be the third largest, behind only China and India. It started out as a lark, a diversion, but it has turned into something real, something that has changed the way human beings relate to one another on a species-wide scale. We are now running our social lives through a for-profit network that, on paper at least, has made Zuckerberg a billionaire six times over.

Facebook has merged with the social fabric of American life, and not just American but human life: nearly half of all Americans have a Facebook account, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the U.S. It's a permanent fact of our global social reality. We have entered the Facebook age, and Mark Zuckerberg is the man who brought us here.

Okay I have to say these are amazing facts and stats! I am very impressed! But I am still not a fan. See, I would much rather hear about important things going on in people's lives..I don't care about a party over the weekend..I care about who they are. I think we are becoming less and less interesting, I don't feel people offer a lot of depth, and that is way more interesting to me.
To be fair, I have not been on Facebook in over 18 months..so I don't know, maybe people are posting all kinds of things about themselves that show their depth..I am going to guess no...maybe I am just really weird, and completely missing the boat of why Facebook is so appealing..but I am going to say that people want to be important, and Facebook offers a small spot in the world to do that..but at the end of the day, I don't think it changes anything for the masses..life will move on incredibly fast, we will feel like it is so fleeting, and when we are gone our Facebook page won't really matter. But hopefully we will have written a person or two a really beautiful note, we will have connected with our parents and children and siblings and friends (and not hundreds of them, you cannot really have hundreds of great friends..) we will have made amends and we will have forgiven. We will have reached out, and shared some amazing laughs, and some tears, we will have made a difference to some very special people in our life. That is what matters to me and I don't need Facebook to do that at all.

Love Changes Everything

I feel like so much has changed in 6 months that in some ways I hardly recognize the "me" that was around for so long..and then of course there is the "me" that I will always know.. :)

2010 is almost now over. It was a great year. It was one of my best years in a very long time. I could say it is so, because I fell in love. That would be pretty honest. Love changes everything. Oh I know it is cliche, and I should have large, grandiose things going on in my life to change things, but I do not. I never really do. I am just not wired that way. I actually like being at home, cleaning the house, making dinner, raking the leaves, being a family, hearing "honey I am home." I feel like I am a character out of a 60s TV show.

I do women's lib a disservice..I should be saying my life changed because I ran a marathon, or got a degree, or went to Haiti and worked with the poor, or volunteered, and on and on..but that would be untrue.

Before being in love again, I did do a lot of work on me. Mostly internal, mostly cleaning "me" up, answering my own unanswered questions, finding a new path, putting the past behind me, really putting the past behind me, and I can say that is A LOT of work, I don't think it can be done overnight. But then it is done, and it does seem like overnight, as time is so fleeting..and then there is a whole new canvas staring at you, and life goes on. This was my journey. This was my grandiose thing.

I can live a very full and happy life not being in a love relationship..I proved that to myself for 18 months. In many ways it was a remarkable time. But at the end of it all, I am far more of a person, I blossom so much more than I can on my own. While I can love me, there really is much more in having someone love me. That might go against a lot of self help books, I don't know, and I really don't care.

2010 was my best year in a long time. I love, love, love someone and it changed my life, when 2 years ago I sobbed that my life was over, ruined, and I was devastated, for losing so much time, for getting older and not creating something that would last. But I don't feel like that anymore, thankfully, now I cry at sad movies and love stories, but not at my life..I hope it lasts.