Hearts

Hearts have been on my mind lately. Like how they are endless, they keep going, remember in the Titanic love song,.."my heart will go on and on..." I just read the lyrics, and forgot how much I like the song. You know Celine just did one take on that song, and it was so perfect, that was it! I am not sure why I am talking about Celine Dion, I got off track, although she does have a great voice..

Anyhow..

So often I dream about my husband, random, strange dreams, sometimes upsetting, sometimes very boring, and sometimes very comforting, but it is like another dimension I go into each night. I have come to see the dreams less about him, but more so a comfort for me, something that my heart attaches to to feel safe. Right now his memory is what I hold onto. So it is like this love goes on and on, in some other space and time altogether, something beyond this realm, and that is how I have begun to see the love from my marriage, and there is a certain comfort in that thought and a certain bond that I hold onto, it becomes more about the heart than the person in reality. It allows me solace without being too tied up with a reality I cannot change. I don't know if that makes any sense, but somehow I am finding sense in it.

I read this Psalm the other day

“Create in me a clean heart, O Lord my God.”~Psalms 51:10

That is what I want to do. A clean and open heart that paints a picture of good things. Recently I said I love what is, what was, and what could have been. I also realized I love what never was.
These are tough ideas to come to grips with at times, because in the everyday I want more than what was or what is, so I found another place for the "what could have been" and the "what never was." They live in my heart. Protected from doom and doubt and tears, like little snowglobes that I can shake up in my dreams.

No Honeymoon

These past 6 months I have done a lot of reading. Partly to pass this time, to occupy myself, to also make use of the time, and to leave my life for awhile in another space. It has been good, I have loved getting back into reading. I passed many a summer afternoon like a little lizard on the lounge, pouring through pages of various books, while my daughter played away in the pool, it was like a scene from a movie I would like.

Anyhow...I have been reading The Twilight series, and loving them. Mostly because I like the way they are written, and I love Edward (what girl doesn't :)) there is a certain comfort with him as the main character, the passion and manners and respect he has for his love, Bella, something we all want. So here I sit down last night to continue on with "Breaking Dawn" and I just had to stop. They were just embarking on their honeymoon on Esme Island, and then I just could not read. It seems silly, a book series highly popular with teen agers, and a romance scene, so I don't want to get caught up in the content, as it could be anything. It was just like one of those moments you don't know when or how will overtake you, and then you are in it. And that was that, the tears came, and it had been awhile. It was not like I was thinking about my honeymoon, it was more so of all that has been lost, but even more of recreating a life, and the daunting and exhausting idea of even trying, starting all over when I never wanted to. These are the thoughts that overwhelmed me.

Can I say, I know I am not alone. There are millions of us. Today I read that there will soon be 7 billion people on this planet which I find incomprehensible, and 5 billion of them will have cell phones. So at any given time I am sure there are perhaps billions of us getting through these days, broken hearts so broken that we don't know how they will repair. And yet we feel alone. And knowing there are 7 billion people, it seems almost comical that we can be so consumed with grief over 1 person/relationship, 1 out of 7 billion? I am more amazed at the human heart and how it can break and how one person can so profoundly affect one other, how many songs and poems have written about this, the majority I am sure. I chuckle to myself on the 5 billion cell phones, how many text messages can be sent, so many lonely hearts trying to connect, this is what we have come to. So anyhow, back to saying I am not alone..I know that, and I am writing this as some sort of history for myself, to somehow pass the days and time and have something to look back on that maybe one day will only be a fleeting memory and I may even struggle to find a tear, like another way to paint what I feel. And to maybe connect with others out there in this same space.. I am not writing so people can give me advice, and tell me things I already well know..this is not about that, this is a way for me to be somewhat real, like the sweet little Velveteen Rabbit..

Hopefully my recent upset will just be the next in a long line this year, as I do want to read the book. But honeymoons, they seem far away to me these days..I read the other day about being between stories, and never thought about that, clearly that is where I fall.

Heavy Heart

You know, I have a heavy heavy heart these days. I feel like I stepped into a dimension where time stands still and emotions are forever--I will forever have a heavy heart and be broken hearted. This has been my reality. I find it hard to believe I will ever not love my husband, be over him, that this all will be my past, so past that I hardly relate to it. I believe that I must move past it to have a future, but in the very moment I find it hard to imagine that one day I will look back and read this and say "wow those days are gone." I hate the fact that I have to let it all go. I don't want this to be my reality. I feel like I lived so much on a whim, did not consider my own self in all of this, how I would deal down the road with my heart repairs, how brutal they would be, how they would shake me to my core, while the rest of the world moves on, and it must, and I get that, and there are probably millions of "us" at any given moment roaming the earth, lost inside with no future plan, but I know for me, I don't want to hang out with "us" how depressing that sounds. So I live in my own little world oh so often, and I have no control as it just pops up when I don't even want it to. I go running, and come home, and am overwhelmed with tears and find myself with my hands in prayer, kneeling, unable to speak, hoping somehow the universe will hear my call. The loneliness over losing one's best friend is agonizing and the toughest thing to endure. It is not like I can just go out and find some new best friend. Remember in Forrest Gump, when Forrest is heartbroken at Jenny's grave..that is how I feel.

No Change

It has been a tough week. Like when the doctor says of the patient, "no change" that is how I felt about me this past week, if I was diagnosing myself. It is so sly, but suddenly all the power that has built up, all the "I am moving past it" all falls to the way side, and I am back to being sad. Like I did not even see it happening. I had the worst dreams last night. One like I have had before, spilling my heart to my husband, over and over how much I loved him, and it is like he is not hearing me, as he shows me all the things in the dream he recently bought. I am so distraught in the dream, and while I did not wake up crying, I remember so clearly sobbing in my dream.

I count on my hands how long we have been separated, as if every day I will suddently find another month or two or year in there, when it was just yesterday that I counted, wait, let me count again, February, March, April, May, part of June, yep just 4 months, since February was near the end. Four lousy months. Not much can happen in 4 months. Yet I get stuck in the fact that I should be on some whole other plane by now, out of my marriage, but for all practical purposes I am still very much in my marriage, just now I am alone and cry alone. I actually found myself thinking today when I was at a bookstore, what would happen if I rounded the corner and there he was. I believed that I would probably just burst into tears. See, I cannot get past that I was not enough. I did NOT want to ever get divorced and I never thought we would. I am having such a tough time letting the illusion of what I thought was a lifetime partner, but none the less, someone I adored with every fiber of my being, letting this go. I know I must, I know I have no choice, I even believe that it was divine intervention that brought me to this place, but I find no real solace in that day to day.

I have been here before years ago with him. The world does not give us long to get over a broken heart. The world has its own problems. So after awhile it is just assumed that we are fine, but really we are not, but we have to at least act like we are. And now it is so much further down the road, and I shudder at the thought that is going to take me months, years? to get past all this, and in the meantime the youth of my life is quickly leaving me, certainly all too fast, and in these years I thought I would be having the best of times, and instead I am having the worst. Whether illusion or not, I was in love with my best friend, so my best friend was always with me, whether in person on in my heart. Now this is gone. And letting it go is so very hard. Plenty of people don't consider their spouse their best friend and I feel for them, marriage is so much fuller if you feel this for your spouse. I have so much good fortune, I know I am so very lucky. But it does not fix my broken heart or stop my tears. And that is all I can write at this time, I just don't want to cry anymore.