Facebook

Okay, I guess I just must be missing something..

http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/0,28757,2036683,00.html?xid=newsletter-weekly

I was on Facebook for about 5 months..then I was getting divorced and I just couldn't handle taking my little heart down that said I was married..I did not want to put it out there, I just wanted to quietly be divorced and not in the the world of Facebook...so I just became a closed account I suppose.

I have not missed Facebook at all, not one bit. I found it all a waste of time and exhausting to waste my time..I must be missing something though, considering how popular it is and how much time people spend on there. ??? I don't feel like I am missing anything. In fact, the day I took myself off it I felt better. I did not feel like I had to present how great my life was, all the fabulous things I was up to, tons of photos, showing my life in all its wonderful glory. hah.

It sounds terrible, but I don't really care what people are up to that I have not been in touch with for years anyhow..okay, that isn't totally true, I do like to catch up, but I don't need to keep catching up..it is like high school reunions for me..they are fun, but they are fleeting. My experience of Facebook, is that we have become obsessed with being important, and posting about ourselves, our lifes, photos, etc..seems to be a way to make ourselves bigger than we really are..are celebrities all that big anyhow?? only because they get ton of press, really they are just people... and my friends that I am in touch with, well I don't feel like I need to go to Facebook to see what they are up to, and same goes for my family.

From Time's Person of the Year..

Almost seven years ago, in February 2004, when Zuckerberg was a 19-year-old sophomore at Harvard, he started a Web service from his dorm. It was called Thefacebook.com, and it was billed as "an online directory that connects people through social networks at colleges." This year, Facebook — now minus the the — added its 550 millionth member. One out of every dozen people on the planet has a Facebook account. They speak 75 languages and collectively lavish more than 700 billion minutes on Facebook every month. Last month the site accounted for 1 out of 4 American page views. Its membership is currently growing at a rate of about 700,000 people a day.

What just happened? In less than seven years, Zuckerberg wired together a twelfth of humanity into a single network, thereby creating a social entity almost twice as large as the U.S. If Facebook were a country it would be the third largest, behind only China and India. It started out as a lark, a diversion, but it has turned into something real, something that has changed the way human beings relate to one another on a species-wide scale. We are now running our social lives through a for-profit network that, on paper at least, has made Zuckerberg a billionaire six times over.

Facebook has merged with the social fabric of American life, and not just American but human life: nearly half of all Americans have a Facebook account, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the U.S. It's a permanent fact of our global social reality. We have entered the Facebook age, and Mark Zuckerberg is the man who brought us here.

Okay I have to say these are amazing facts and stats! I am very impressed! But I am still not a fan. See, I would much rather hear about important things going on in people's lives..I don't care about a party over the weekend..I care about who they are. I think we are becoming less and less interesting, I don't feel people offer a lot of depth, and that is way more interesting to me.
To be fair, I have not been on Facebook in over 18 months..so I don't know, maybe people are posting all kinds of things about themselves that show their depth..I am going to guess no...maybe I am just really weird, and completely missing the boat of why Facebook is so appealing..but I am going to say that people want to be important, and Facebook offers a small spot in the world to do that..but at the end of the day, I don't think it changes anything for the masses..life will move on incredibly fast, we will feel like it is so fleeting, and when we are gone our Facebook page won't really matter. But hopefully we will have written a person or two a really beautiful note, we will have connected with our parents and children and siblings and friends (and not hundreds of them, you cannot really have hundreds of great friends..) we will have made amends and we will have forgiven. We will have reached out, and shared some amazing laughs, and some tears, we will have made a difference to some very special people in our life. That is what matters to me and I don't need Facebook to do that at all.

Love Changes Everything

I feel like so much has changed in 6 months that in some ways I hardly recognize the "me" that was around for so long..and then of course there is the "me" that I will always know.. :)

2010 is almost now over. It was a great year. It was one of my best years in a very long time. I could say it is so, because I fell in love. That would be pretty honest. Love changes everything. Oh I know it is cliche, and I should have large, grandiose things going on in my life to change things, but I do not. I never really do. I am just not wired that way. I actually like being at home, cleaning the house, making dinner, raking the leaves, being a family, hearing "honey I am home." I feel like I am a character out of a 60s TV show.

I do women's lib a disservice..I should be saying my life changed because I ran a marathon, or got a degree, or went to Haiti and worked with the poor, or volunteered, and on and on..but that would be untrue.

Before being in love again, I did do a lot of work on me. Mostly internal, mostly cleaning "me" up, answering my own unanswered questions, finding a new path, putting the past behind me, really putting the past behind me, and I can say that is A LOT of work, I don't think it can be done overnight. But then it is done, and it does seem like overnight, as time is so fleeting..and then there is a whole new canvas staring at you, and life goes on. This was my journey. This was my grandiose thing.

I can live a very full and happy life not being in a love relationship..I proved that to myself for 18 months. In many ways it was a remarkable time. But at the end of it all, I am far more of a person, I blossom so much more than I can on my own. While I can love me, there really is much more in having someone love me. That might go against a lot of self help books, I don't know, and I really don't care.

2010 was my best year in a long time. I love, love, love someone and it changed my life, when 2 years ago I sobbed that my life was over, ruined, and I was devastated, for losing so much time, for getting older and not creating something that would last. But I don't feel like that anymore, thankfully, now I cry at sad movies and love stories, but not at my life..I hope it lasts.

Across the Room

I blinked and November came and went. It more just went. I barely even remember November..it seems like there was Halloween, Thanksgiving Day and then December 1.

I am really happy. I am very in love. I look across the room and think"I love you." It makes me almost cry to think it, let alone say it. It is like a rushing wave, that has come in and filled so many gaps in my soul that grew over the past couple of years. I don't know, but for me, those gaps can only be filled with being in love. And yet there is a part of me that wonders if the bottom will fall out. I feel like I was trained for so long, to be on alert, that at any given moment what I had would all fall away, and in the end, it did. So it is somewhat hard for me to believe it is real, it is not going away, it is not an illusion and I can believe. I hope so. I like feeling this way.

And there is this expanse now in my mind, I suppose like love opening up more and more. Hard to convey. It fills my thoughts, and my dreams. It becomes my future. I have said before that I am walking across two bridges--one that is leaving my past, and one that leads to my future. I walk them in tandem, although the past bridge I believe I have all but walked across. I don't feel like there is any more unfinished business. I am glad that I love my past. It is a good place to be. And I love the idea of my future, another good place to be.

I told my little daughter last night that I believe we are here to love and forgive. It is like a constant cycle, it never stops. It seems we must forgive all the time..it can be for very small things or much bigger things. But there is no getting around forgiveness. And love, love is this amazing part of life..it fills every day and so many moments, and we can see it by just looking across the room :) .

Girlfriend or a Wife

I am not sure if I really know how to be a girlfriend. I think I am more a wife, but then again I am divorced, so maybe I did not know how to be a wife either..

I wonder if we all "play house." Is that the way to make it work? I love playing house. I love the security I feel right down to my core.

Back to being a girlfriend. I like things kind of set in stone. Marriage is different than being just a couple. There just feels like a lot of loose ends. Less expectations. Less "knowns." Not that marriage is any guarantee, but it feels more like it. It is harder to get divorced than just break up, for the most part...I don't like the ebb and flow of being a girl friend. I find myself going up and down in emotions, are they real or just "love" infused..so hard to say..I know you cannot be a girlfriend before you are a wife..but it has been so long, more than 20 years, so I just really find it a challenge.I guess I see it like this..

child
teenager
grown up
girlfriend
wife
widow
dead

are you laughing? I know there is a lot more to it than that. But in my head, I see it as a linear equation..even though I have not lived it like that so I don't know why that is how I think of it.
It is hard to transition between girlfriend, wife, single and all the way back around again. I think some people are just really good at it. They don't take it all personally (which is one of the Four Agreements, I am forgetting that book--don't take things personally, don't gossip, always do your best, and don't make assumptions) maybe I should be re reading that book everyday, it might keep my head together..I kind of get caught up in taking things personally and making assumptions..those are my weak points.

I am happy. I smile a lot these days and am love infused. But there is a price. The price is knowing it could end. I mean I know it will all end, but I like the idea of it ending years down the road, when I am old and then become a widow and then die. That seems like the easy route.

Years Pass Fast

I am astounded that I have lived in my current home for 5 years. First off, I have never lived in a place for more than 3 years in my entire adult life. That has always somewhat amazed me..it did not seem so at the time, but I really moved around a lot. I feel further behind the 8 ball in the financial department...like I went full circle back to nowhere. The rest of my life is really good, I am happy to say. I got my marriage/divorce complete and behind me. I am at peace with all of it. I am in better shape than I was 5 years ago. I like the way I look more than I did then. I am in love again. I am happy every day, maybe not all day, but I don't have a sense of dread looming over me. But finances, finances elude me. I don't want to be "reasons" I want to be "results." It is my project to get my arms around. Really I should be so far along. The "shoulds" is a very long list. I wish I had a trust fund, that would be really nice :) But I don't, that is the reality. The reality is I need to get my arms around this and handle it, I need 2011 to be my break out year. I cannot be here in another year wondering what I did for a year. I recall Terri Hatcher saying that before she got Desperate Housewives, she remembers being in her kitchen (she may have even said sitting on the floor) and wondering how she would pay her mortgage. I am not in that situation..but I found it somewhat comforting to read that--I mean she has had success in Hollywood, but in her 40s she really had gone nowhere.. then, it appears all that changed with her big break. I believe in breaks, although I suppose it might be where organization and planning meet one lucky moment. The passing of time is really before me..day to day it does not seem so fast, but then suddenly years have passed.

Bad Dreams

I had totally bizarre dreams last night..one about my new boyfriend and one about my ex husband. I cannot believe I dreamt about them both on the same night. Both dreams were disconcerting and I wonder why I had them. Well, the heat was on too high..so that contributed to the weird dreams--sleeping in a house that is too hot can do that! But beyond that, I wonder where my head is or was, to conjur these up. I may be on some sort of bridge, without even knowing it. Like every day I get further and further and further over the bridge of "divorce and being over" and further and further over the bridge of "new beginnings and love." It is like I am split and walking both bridges at the same time. It is weird, how long and full of turns the journeys of the heart are. At this moment I feel good about both bridges. The walk across them gets easier and easier. I think of romantic love, like music, or art, or the great unknown..things that just cannot be touched or seen or expressed, but they are there. It is like this great mystery to me and at times I can cross into an another reality with it all. I don't see love in black and white. It is a very complicated dance, and at the same time so easy.

Love is Never Done

I thought this morning that love is never done. It is not just like we love someone. Love keeps growing and we love them more. I guess I had forgotten about that for quite a long while. Being in love again is new to me, and I had not thought past just being in love. But love is like this never empty treasure chest. We don't just love someone. We love them more and more and more. I forgot about that. And I guess it is the loving them more and more, which makes it that much harder when people die or leave, because we have logged in so many hours, days, months and even years of loving them. I forgot that the heart just keeps expanding for those we love, it is like we can never be done with love. And so I looked at him in the early dawn light, and realized I am falling further and further into love, there is more and more to see and know at every turn, every waking and non waking moment. Love does not sit on a shelf and gesture to you to come and look..it flies all around the room and it engulfs you at the same time. Being on this journey again is what I did hope for, in all those dark days, when my eyes were purple from crying, but I could not see past the heartbreak of losing. Now I am on the other side.

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

Why Do Heavy Drinkers Outlive Nondrinkers?

Gifts

Holding my hand
Writing me a note
Being true
Love in your eyes
Caring about me
Showing up
Comforting me
Laughing
Crying
Cuddling
Learning about me
Staying
Dancing
Helping me
Sharing a toast
Sitting with me
Smiling

Loving me
These are the gifts I seek. They don't cost anything. These are the things that matter to me.

Eight Ways to Get Fired - Business Intelligence

Eight Ways to Get Fired - Business Intelligence

Awful Applications and Ridiculous Resumes - Intelligence

Awful Applications and Ridiculous Resumes - Intelligence

In My Head

I may have written in the past about being "in my head." It is not a new phrase or way of being for me. It is like this slow decent I do, every now and then, usually hormone related.. :) and I don't see or know that I am slowing walking into my head, and then I am in my head, and it totally becomes my reality and I see things differently, and yet I can't figure out that I have now entered my head and in many ways it is not real..Does any of that even make sense!!! It does in "the world of Danna."

So my latest trip into my head was over analyzing my love interest, like I went on hyper speed for 48 hours--this was mostly in my mind until I spoke it a little bit to friends, 2 of who pointed out how much I was living in my head, with great laughter. It was like a lightbulb went off, and I came out of my head, really. And my hormones got back in balance..:) Now I followed it up with a visit from my love interest, and realized I did not have any resentment to voice, it was more like giddy school girl love, and there was nothing to say, nothing that is about living in my head..

A very good point was raised to me, that while I am one way, it does not mean every body else is, nor can I expect them to be, even want? them to be, and certainly cannot with all fairness view them through all my past filters. Wow. It is a lot to retrain the head and the heart. At least at some point I was aware I was in my head and managed to get out before doing damage.

That is a big step for me.

I remind myself I want to live my life, I don't want to waste it, drag it down, punch it out, squelch it, resent it, beware of it, scared of it, tire of it..I want to use it, I want to fill it with love I suppose more than anything and that certainly is not that hard to do, or should not be. I told my mom the other night in an email that while I am happy alone, I am happier loving someone, it can just never be the same for me alone (I am not a lonely person to be clear..) But I believe I do need to remember that life cannot be lived in my head, full of filters, but it must be lived in reality and open to all the gifts people have to bring to the table not just my idea of what should be..that is when I shut down and retreat to my head, alone..It is all a process, I do forget what being in love is like, the many, many, many dimensions of it.

Time

I dreamt last night that my little girl was a baby, about 6 months old. And there was this tremendous love as I held her, I could not get enough. I woke up remembering how much I loved her as a baby. That beautiful chubby baby that I could hold and hold. I miss it. I loved it. I have so many dreams that are frustrating and sad and difficult..I wish I did not want. Well they come and go. So to have a dream full of love is such a wonderful thing.

Maybe I had the dream because I am feeling more full of love these days, in a way that had left me for a long time. It is easy to forget how that feels. One just gets used to a new way of being. But now that I feel love again, I don't know how I let it go. I am listening to a song right now, and the chorus is "..don't let it go.." and it seems fitting. "Have a little faith in me, and I will have a little faith in you..so have a little faith in me..don't let it go.." Michael Franti..love it..

I used to clean my house because it was a way to move my energy and keep my mind moving. I would probably have cleaned until my hands bled, so I could feel some completion, so it was some how all worth it..my hands never did bleed, but I guess I did in my heart. But now I am cleaning, and I am finding it far more freeing than a safety net. I found faith in me, and I am glad.

Dreams float around my head now, for the future. I believe that life is so fleeting, and that one day, in the not far future in the continuum of life, we will not matter anyhow. So I want to matter why I am here. I want to matter for my family and my children and my friends and the one I love. I will die happy that way.

My life has in some ways been a series of mistakes, and yet I seem to be open to throwing myself more into the unknown, perhaps it is just the way I am wired. I believe that love and forgiveness are the cornerstone of why we are here. It is strange to be, so much goes with it, and yet at the end of the day it matters so little. I suppose it is all in the moments, not in the total length of time.

Love Bursting Open

"But thy eternal summer shall not fade.." ..a line from Shakespeare's "Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day.." I am all about summer this year. This summer was truly like magic :) I am not sure, but as Eddie Money sings, "I think I am in love." And then I think of the Dan Fogelberg song.."how do we make love stay.." and my mind gets working as it does and I wonder if love will be fleeting, and then I worry, and then I have to talk myself out of my craziness that descends on me, so damn easily. I have to remind myself to try to stay a "grown up" these days and not fall into school girl drama.

Loving someone new is a special thing in life. It is so wonderful to love someone in the moment, for who they are, as you don't have history in the way, there is no resentment, there are no broken promises or unkind words. It is all a magic bubble and you never want it to end. But maybe it doesn't have to end, or at least not end, but just blossom into other things. Maybe there doesn't have to be resentment and hurt feelings and broken promises. I am really not sure, I am surely not the expert on this subject.

But I know me..I am not sure how to spend time with someone, and really be with them, and not find myself loving them..it just does not seem possible. But then again, I fall in love easily, as I believe in true love, cannot live without each other love, moments in movies, I believe in it..which can be a double edged sword. How it must be to not believe in true love, maybe it is freeing I don't know. For me to be in love is immensely freeing, because I feel set free, I feel able to take the feelings I have in my heart and bestow them on my love..I am the painter and they are my canvas, if they are willing..

As my summer fades away, and I enter fall, which I adore, I am looking forward to making love stay, not just staying, but bursting wide open for me to take in. I want it all. I don't want to hold back, I don't want to be cautious, I don't want to miss a thing, I don't want to close my eyes (as to quote Aerosmith now...) because life is short, life is fleeting, love is fleeting and I want to take it all in. This is me, this is how I am. I might blow you over with what I have in store for you..I don't know. But ..I. Love. Being. In. Love.

Journeys

My daughter, my little girl, who is now a very accomplished 26 year old woman, just started her blog, on her training for her upcoming 7th marathon, in hopes to qualify for the Boston marathon. I am so excited for her to be blogging about it (I don't know why I did not think of it sooner..) Anyhow, it is a great journey to record, it is a great journey to be taking. I realized with my blogs, it does not matter if one or 100,000 people follow me or read me, it is getting the word out to someone, someone who might find it inspiring, interesting, motivating, heart capturing, or maybe just a way to make it thru the day or even hour that is upon them, or perhaps just for a laugh. Whatever it is, I am glad to be in the blogging sphere, and wish I did it y e a r s ago, when I first heard "blog" on one of my favorite radio shows of all time, the Ron Owens Show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Having my daughter write about her incredible journey of training for a marathon, made me realize that we are both blogging about journeys. Actually all of us, at any given time, are on our very own journey. Some are short, some of just part of our overall journey of life, some are dead ends, and some last a lifetime. The last 18 months or so have been such a journey for me. I feel like I died and then somehow resuscitated myself.

But now things are different. I am not sure if I can lose how I feel now. I am perhaps a bit giddy with love, and find myself wondering where it will all go. It is so nice to hold someones hand. I am a home girl at heart. At the end of the day I just want someone who will be at home with me. A lot. Who will talk to me. Who will be there for me. Who will love me. Always. It might not sound exciting, but there is great peace in it for me, and it opens my heart tremendously. This feeling reminds me of a quote from Father Ralph in The Thorn Birds, as he reflects on his time with Meggie, sequestered away on an island..

"I wanted to never leave her, not only because of her body, but because I just loved to be with her--talk to her, not talk to her, eat the meals she cooked, smile at her, share her thoughts. I shall miss her as long as I live."

I found this so compelling, clearly, it hits home for me. I find the love in being with one person, is a love to fulfill my life in a way beyond anything else. I have lost this before. But I believe we are all here to truly love, and I cannot turn my back on this dream. My dream of a happily ever after. I believe in love.

A New Day

I hope what I am feeling, lasts. It is true what they say, everything starts to look different. Cannot say it is love yet..but maybe puppy love? :) It is this all encompassing feeling that surrounds me in all I do, like a force field around me. Yet even so, I think if it fell away, I might still be okay. I don't know that for sure though, and am in no hurry to find out.

It is just the space I am in now is something I do remember, but guess I forgot about. I hold myself responsible for forgetting about it. I did not see that I had during the latter years of my marriage. It is so hard to see the forest for the trees. But then again, I suppose we all lose it over time in long term commited relationships. Or maybe not? I did love him. A lot. But in the end it did not matter.

Now I feel a sense of profound freedom with my emotions and my being. It is like I am somewhat floating, I am basking in someone liking me. I cannot totally "do that" for myself. And it comes in, so quietly and so quickly at all once. I have a fan :) a truly nice thing to have again.

I am only in the moment these days. Maybe that is my new found secret. I used to say I had to live half day to half day during my divorce, as I could often hardly breathe, and not stop the tears. But those days seem to be gone. Funny.

My one brother and I have a phrase we say to each other when we are down...
"What a difference a day makes." We say it when the other one forgets it. And it happened for me. A day made a difference. Bless that day.

Revelation

Falling into the "rush" can be overwhelming. For the first time in a long time, I have fallen a bit out of my routine. I don't have time for cleaning :) Funny how adding one person in can do this.
"I don't know where I am going..and I don't know where I have been.." A line from a favorite song these days "Revelation." It is almost like I fell into a revelation, which is a word I love, let alone saying, as it just rolls off the tongue. I am not sure if I can totally put my revelation into words. Something like this. .. I gave up the ghost. I moved forward. Suddenly there was a shift. I don't cry anymore (really, I hope it lasts..) I forgave, fully.

I am not sure if I know what falling in love is anymore, or maybe it is just different now that I am not 25. I wonder about that. Maybe now I have a lot more filters and a lot more going on in my head that has to match up to my heart, because I feel way more grounded than I did way back when. I almost think I used to have a bit of "craziness" in me. Where was "I" all those years, I honestly don't know. Crazy to even say. I had no sense of who I was, how to take care of me, any real value in myself. I was like living an out of body experience.

I no longer think love is the only answer in life, but I sure think it matters. Someone close to me recently said they looked for romance within themselves, creating it for themselves. I never thought of it that way, and it may be why this person is so ahead in life and always has been. They know how to take care of themself. However, I do believe that we can never fully love ourselves or "romance" ourselves quite like a significant other can. It just can never be. It could be close, but it is not the same. To see yourself loved by someone else is a certain magic that may be the gift of being human. Not a child or friend or neighbor, but those are beautiful loves to have as well. But a true love, to love you in body, mind and spirit, to reach your very heart and hold it close. This is the magic I believe in. I have lived without it for a long and lonely time, and yet at the same time was not lonely and had my own personal seminar inside the 4 walls of my home. I am happy to report that it worked :) .

I thought the other day about a broken heart. How I have once again lived through it. And yet at the time, there is no hope, there is so much gloom and dying seems to be the way out. Yes. It. Does. But. You. Cannot. It is like eternal night, f o r e v e r it seems. And then somehow it goes away. And then you are changed. So I have lived through it again in my life. I cannot believe how much I have laughed as well in the past year, and certainly in the past month or two. I almost feel like a new me in a way, or certainly the "new and improved me." Laughing and crying made up 18 months of my life. Now mostly laughter :).

At this very moment I feel like I finally made the jump. Like a jet stream cruising above me, that I saw for so long, but could not reach it, and then one day I was effortlessly in. I am not sure how it happened. I am not sure where I am going these days. But at the moment, I really like the path.

Love Alters Not

I just reread my last post and I like it so much. There is a certain peace when I read it and a groundedness that I have waited a long and lonely time for.

My fingers almost don't even want to type the words or thoughts for fear they will disappear before my eyes. I seem to always have that in the back of my mind. I can be left, and easily. However, I had a great 3rd and 4th date, almost back to back, and now this moves into the realm of exclusive because once intimacy starts there really is not room in my heart, head, morals, for more than one. And it is a huge bridge to cross, going from casual "whatever may be," to "what might this be?" That is just how my head works, I never was one to not fall in the fire.

There is a whole newness before my eyes again, like I am seeing the sparks of what could develop into great fondness and love (and again, I know me, these two things don't take long..) But it has been a long and lonely time since I saw that or even thought about it again, in a real sense. Mostly it has just been a heart ache of a lot of longing for what has left me, more so than what could be again. It seems in the darkest hour that there is no "new" there is no "future" because the present just goes on and on, and there is no joy to be found.

I don't know if my little spark I found in the world of match making might become a much larger fire. I know what I hope and think about, but I am trying to stay somewhat rational, in looking at the time table of things. There now has become the longing, when will I see you again, it is amazing how fast it zips in, like it has been just sitting there in the shadows waiting to be seen again. My life could be full again, and that prospect makes me happy. I see love like another form of art, and how I love loving someone. There really is nothing like it. Yet love that is not real, difficult, deceitful, always in motion never constant, never for sure, those parts I have felt, and those are not something to want. It just leaves the heart in a constant state of upheaval.

What I seek this time around, is a deep constant, unending love, that as Shakespeare says, "Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom."

First Date

I am happy to report that I did hear back :) Numerous times. I even had a real date last night. That would be my first date in 14 years. In a perfect world, I would say 16 years. Fifteen being married and one year now divorced and no dating. But there was the time 14 years ago when my husband left me (and then came back) so I had a few dates then, mistakes I should really call them. So, it is 14 years..Either way, that is a really long time. It must be really hard for people who have been married like 25, 30, 40 years and then go out..? It wasn't difficult though, in fact it was really fun. I feel like it may truly be one of the only real dates I have ever had. How sad is that? My friend and I talk about how going out for us way back when, with the guys we picked, used to be out drinking and S*X, not a real date, no real "let me plan a nice evening, let me treat you how your father would like to see you treated." No somehow I have pretty much missed that for the most part.

I feel like a novice in it all, but am beginning to see and even experience what I have read about, heard about, thought somehow I was not going to have. It sounds ridiculous, true, but somewhere along the line, and this is a long line ago, I just gave up on thinking someone would see my value. I guess I decided to go with "good enough." If I am honest, I have never really felt special for very long.
Writing that line is sad. I don't mean that in a "woe is me" sort of way, because I don't do "woe is me" but more in a very honest reflection of who I was and what I put out to the universe.

The good news is I feel like this last year I have been reborn, and not in the Christian way (don't get me started.) But somehow, in the fire that consumed me, and the tears that didn't put it out for a long time, I really did become like the phoenix and rose from the F*^%ing ashes, I really did. I love the old me so much, but I am not doing that trip on myself anymore. It is truly like some lightbulb went off, and I finally saw "what have I been doing with myself for 27 years?" (since I was 18..)

So I had like this real, grown up date. It was fun, but it was also really clean cut and respectful (my parents would really approve!) And it gave me a sense of peace that I have never really found, because I always jumped into some other mode that I found no peace with at all, but made myself crazy in the process--for years.

I have no idea where it will all go, as now I seem to be getting a lot of interest--is it just the heat of summer causing everyone to come out of the woodwork? I don't even know how to go out with more than one person (in a clean cut way) and then decipher and try to make a decision, no, no idea. But will see where it all goes.
I just know, for the first time, really ever, I don't seem to be losing myself. I am finally in charge of me. It was way too long of a road to get here, but at least I did.

Waiting

Well I just watched 2 hours of Sex and the City to find some kind of comfort. And. I. Did. Everytime I watch it I love it so much. There is so much that rings true for me.

I had a good "meet" last night--I might even go so far to say it was a great "meet."It had good energy, it was fun, there was chemistry, he was cute, he had smile that didn't quit and twinkling eyes. I told him so in my follow up note (I feel like I am doing sales here..) Anyhow, then the quiet. Did he even read it? Or did he read it and say "run." It was pretty simple, and least in my opinion. I have no real idea how to even follow up after a "meet" that I think goes well, let alone even go out on a real date. Nope, I have no idea. I just try to go with my hunches.

So now like all girls, since the beginning of time, I torture myself. Really. It is so crazy. He may never contact me again, he may never call. And after one email, one hour phone call, and a 2.5 hour meet, why should I even give it, let's say, 10 minutes of thought..but I do. It has always been that way for me. When I decide I like someone, well then I do.

I am SO very glad that I am leaving town for 3 days tomorrow, so I can put my head someplace else, and laugh and drink and forget my life here..and then, yeah then, he will call out of the blue..or not..

It makes me freak out more, that what if I dated him, and then in like 3 months he dumps me? I can barely stand one day of wondering. I just got over ending a 15 year marriage, and pretty much died doing it..so I so don't want to go down those roads again. I have always wondered--when two people decide they love each other, why can't that just be it? I used to wonder that about my husband..and then it wasn't.

So now I have myself a bit wrapped up in inventing a reality that doesn't even exist. Really, can I please have my own tv show.

I will let you know how it goes, you can count on it.

More Match

Well it is kind of funny. When I started this blog in November 2008, I thought I was writing about home decor and getting organized! Then it split into 2 blogs, one on the home and one on marriage/divorce..so I guess it follows at some point it would have to take a turn down the dating road, once the heartbreak went away..

So here I am, now I feel like an official blogger on dating, and that is laughable, because I really know nothing about it!

Here is my latest story though for laughs. I really liked this one guy. I knew he was kind of a bad boy, but man his photos were good--one in particular, I told him he looked smoldering. I know, I know..but he is. So we emailed a bunch. They were short and had nothing to do what-so-ever with finding out anything about me. They were mostly written to "hey baby" (to me) and he talked about a "hot connection" perhaps not the recipe for a long term match..I know, I know..

So we finally talk on the phone. He is nice and all, sounds a little bit asleep at the wheel, but I am thinking about the smoldering eyes. We talk a bit, but it is all just kind of circles, and I am thinking hmm...is he interested at all..? He then gets a "work call" and has to call me back..and does..but it was like we had not talked at all, as he does not even know I have a child at home(I said it on the previous call and it is in my profile!!) Um, Hello!! Do you have a brain at all. Then he asks me what I am looking for, again pretty obvious from my profile. I jokingly say there is going to be a quiz, he says okay, he doesn't know any answers..it was funny. I know he looked at my profile many times, clearly just the photos (hey I am flattered..but if you are going to talk to someone on the phone at least read about them!!) Then he has another "work call" but will confirm later on our Tuesday night meeting. (Oh I forgot, I told him I am really a nice woman, the kind of girl you take home to meet your mother--I am not some crazy partier--I think that sunk my ship. In my profile though I state I am not some crazy mother looking for a good time around every corner..again, he had not read it..)

Yeah, right, about the "work call." I know I just crashed and burned. And. I. Did.

I get an email later that day, saying he must have deleted my number (yeah right) something else has come up (yeah right) and he hopes we can connect soon (yeah right)!!! I wrote him back a nice note saying I could tell he was not interested the more we spoke, no problem. I am not mad at all, I just keep finding these encounters end up in the humor bin.

So there went my smoldering "possibility" right out the window--or I guess I should say the flame went right out. I had so wanted to meet him just to see if his photo really proved me right, or if he turned out to be a "no"..even if I knew he wasn't interested--I just wanted to see him!

Back to the drawing board!! Continue to get notes from geeks who I would never talk to (can I sound any worse!) but come on, stay within your own tribe please!!

And I just think, well there is always shopping :)

Really Loud Silence

The winks, the emails, the phone conversations, the feeling of falling off the map and starting all over again..it is really exhausting..I really don't know how people do it all day long..like running and running on a Habitrail wheel, with no end in sight, that is how it feels to me.

There is like this really loud silence all around me at the moment. I normally don't mind the quiet, but it is like magnifying this... compulsion? I am not sure what..this horrible "to do list" every single day of dating online and having no closure, or well maybe that is what it feels like, never ending closure, never really starting, no middle, I don't know! So I sit here and feel like I don't know what, what do I want to do..? just breathe through it, this too shall pass, well it is just like this never ending story now, and I am not finding it all that interesting.

I really don't want this hanging over my head. We are not meant to be "singles" floating around on this earth approaching all the time we have a-l-o-n-e. But I believe somewhere along the line, and probably just in the last few years, it has become ridiculously hard to meet people, which seems like a ridiculous thing to even say!! There are people everywhere! But I think there is this underlying thinking out there, "someone else better is going to come along.." and so people fly around, dive down, stay for awhile, maybe just even a minute or two, and then are back in flight. There is the Facebook craziness where everyone is SO important, not at all. The energy of it all exhausts me, and so is not what I am looking for. I am not sure if I am really suited for any of this. If I have to be alone, couldn't it be on some superb warm beach someplace, with days that stretch out into the next, where I have no worries and don't work..at least I would be warm :) I don't know, I seriously feel under house arrest and don't have a key out today.

Matchmaker Matchmaker Make Me a Match

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.
Find me a find, catch me a catch.
Matchmaker, matchmaker, look through your book
And make me a perfect match." Fiddler on the Roof

These lyrics were just ringing in my ears (I don't think I have ever seen Fiddler on the Roof, or only parts but then again I do know part of "....sunrise, sunset.." I am singing it in my head right now!

I could have been the living embodiment of the Evelyn Wood's Speed Reading class, last Monday afternoon, as I ate up, "Become Your Own Matchmaker" http://www.amazon.com/Become-Your-Own-Matchmaker-Attracting/dp/1416597719 I mean all 273 pages worth, in just a few hours, I could not put it down!

There were so many things that jumped out at me, I have to say I loved the book and totally recommend it!

One thing to start with, and I apologize this is crude (but it is her words, actually sounds like it is Hollywood's words..) "f*&^ability factor" ..you gotta have it! For men it is all about the packaging, one look and they decide if you are a keeper or going to get tossed back. They are not looking for someone who is beautiful on the inside, as so many women hope or think they should be. Does not mean they don't care about the inside, they do, but like shopping, they are first stopped by what they see. And then she goes on to detail all the pieces--hair, teeth, skin, makeup, body, it is pretty good. The good news is, for me, I felt like I am on top of this, so I am going to give myself a big :) here. I love the term though, and now it is housed in my brain and I like to say it to myself in my head, it is a cute phrase.

Men LOVE heels. Good, so do I. Love them.

All the places to meet men. I think I liked the list best of where you won't meet men. Things like spirituality workshops, cruise ships, frozen yogurt shops, salons, bars and clubs. Even Starbucks. I was surprised by that one. So many people work remotely these days, and hang out in a coffee shop for some atmosphere, when compared to their home office all day, so that one, I am going to still consider a maybe (although I have never taken my laptop to a coffee place to work..I am too shy really.)

I love her Dating Commandments. Words to live by. Now the cute phrase above comes to mind, because that is like a huge land mine for me. We know all guys want "it." They are not going out for the conversation..not really..they may enjoy it..but they can talk to their sister. In the end it is always the same. It has been a long time since I even went on a date (I don't count my "meets"..) so this land mine is just sitting out there, coyly waiting for me to step away. (I am sure there will probaby be a blog that comes out of it..)

Danger signs..okay I believe I have encountered all of them. Ouch.

Cagey
Too Spontaneous
Addictive
Strained Family Relationships
Mom Issues
Rage
Dishonesty
Egotism
Vanity
Email and Texting (these did not exist in the "dark ages" :) )

Yep I encountered all of these! Was I blind, did I think I would do magic and erase it all ? I would be worth it? Honestly I don't have any of the warning signs. Not one.

Oops, on the flip side though, here is what guys complain about..

Flaky
Needy
Demanding
High Maintenance
Live Beyond Her Means
Entitled
Bitter
Not Rational
Doesn't Know What She Wants
Doesn't Prioritize Her Love
Picky
Deceitful
Insecure
Not Feminine
Doesn't Cook

Okay, let's go through that list..

I can be demanding, but I don't think overly so. I just happen to be super organized (have you read my blog on cleaning and getting rid of clutter..?)

I have been told by a certain someone that I did not make him a priority. Let me say that is a fine line..I totally made him a priority, my whole life centered around him. But in his eyes, it was not what he wanted. IE more s*x. I think that could be true for a lot of guys. Guys are babies. Sorry. They. Are.

Yes I am picky, I admit it.

No I am not insecure. I was pegged that when I was with a c-h-e-a-t-e-r...I had no idea of the infidelity, but I was aware of the energy I could sense, so that came out as insecure. I have searched me this last year, and I am hardly insecure..

I will admit, I don't cook much. I could, I would, like the story goes of "Green Eggs and Ham.."

So what did I get from the book. Unknowingly I have already prepared myself for Love #3 (I have had a first love, a love of my life..so now maybe I can just wrap the two together for Love #3.. :) While Stanger can be perfectly frank, she is also like a modern day fairy godmother, and I liked that.

I believed in love. I still do.

My Sitcom

This is not Sex and the City. Not even trying to be. But I do see parallels when I read what I have written and can hear the show dialogue in my ears. There are so many people who don't get the movie or the characters..clearly the show is not reality, can be overly dramatic, overly outrageous, but I think it went that route in order to be memorable and make its point. I do think many women can find themselves in all the characters, and that may be the gift for us. It really isn't about reality, but then I am not so sure anymore what reality really is, it is changing a lot, and everyone has their own vision.

I have said before, my life is like a sitcom. I don't say that in a way, like, "wow how great I am.." I think more the surprise that in the last one plus year my life has taken me down a road (s) that I had no idea were part of my reality, and every day is like some new turn or twist, and often I am crying over it, but a day or two or week later find humor in it. I really can tell a story and one minute be crying and the next minute laughing. That in itself is the sitcom.

See the other day, when I was on a "meet" that is my word, because it is not a "date" and the guy was telling me his mom had been married 4x before he was 10, he had gained 30 pounds in the last 2 years, and his two knees are titanium--right there, are you laughing..! I wanted to. I wish this type of stuff was on film. And in the meantime, I am totally distracted by the cocktail waitress who is a total parody, and standing over me at the booth with her boobs falling out of her dress, and I say to myself "this is not my life." I wanted to give her a make over.

Or the other guy, who I believe is a con and reminds me WAY TOO MUCH of my past, and makes me want to run really fast in the other direction..wrote me back a snotty email after I wrote him a pretty nice one saying we were not a match (citing his seemingly dishonesty and his too fast moves..) well I was told I babble too much and, get this, the last line, "Your loss." HAH
What an ego. What a bruised baby he is. One dumb "meet" and he cannot handle the rejection.

So these could have been part of my weekly episode. They make great stories to retell later to howling laughter. I am reminded of a line from a movie, and I just cannot remember what one, but one of the characters says to a main character "..your complete willingness to make a fool of yourself." These words ring in my ears. I feel like I am embarking on that all the time. Falling off the horse and forcing myself to go back on. I have come to see that the worst thing seems to be crying, and maybe the best is laughter. My friend told me I am like a present day Mary Tyler Moore, or That Girl, both who I love. Can I be Mary Tyler Moore and throw my cap up into the winter air with a big smile on my face? I do see myself a lot like Carrie, really, a lot like New Christine, Jules from Cougartown.. My life is like my own silly show :) I did not intend for it to be. Maybe we all are a show, just some much better entertainment than others..maybe it is all in the willingness to make a complete fool of oneself..

Side Note

I forgot to mention the cocktail waitress the other day for my match.com meeting I guess you would call it, as it sure was NOT a date. Poor thing. She looked like a sausage, stuffed into a strappy, too short, wayyyyy too tight, black number. She was wearing sky high heals, and a bad perm, and chipped nail polish. That is all I had the time to see. I wanted to stare at her, really stare at her, but I felt bad. Really, it is 3:00 in the afternoon and this girl looks like she should be working a very bad club in Vegas, hardly the get up for a dumb restaurant in Kirkland. I sat there thinking, did the management tell her to dress like that?? She was really friendly and trying so hard. It just made it extra comical with me talking to someone who I had NO interest in at all, it was such a no, and yet, being my typical self, let it go on for 2 hours...u.g.h. Between the cocktail waitress and the non date, it was quite a visual..

Crying Again

I did not know that my next blog would be a repeat of the last one. What is the phrase..lather, rinse, repeat. That seems to be my life this past year, one large circle.

It has been an emotional week. I must seek out boredom, it might serve me well.

I tried the "match" thing and it is like this heart wrenching meat grinder to put one's self through. I am not sure I am cut for it. One was so full of troubles, at least in my mind, I felt more like a counselor lending an ear than a potential match. And like always, I talk, and probably give off the illusion that I am interested, because I don't know how to escape. It is funny when I look back, but at the time, kind of torture.

The other, I think there may be shades of not being honest, it is haunting me right now, and I am feeling like I need to listen to myself. There are shades of too much too fast, and I have lived that before, and it does not end well.

Then there were bombs dropped from my husband, and I know I should say ex, but I hate the term..And these bombs shattered me today. So I sit here and just want to cry myself away into a sea of tears, and float away. It is exhausting to move forward. It is all exhausting. And even at this age, I just want my parents to make it better.

I hold onto me these days for some type of refuge, and I am not sure if I have any to give. So it is this amazing "nothingness" for lack of a better word, that I fall into, as in these moments that is all there is.

I am kind of tired of being beaten down today. I know I have to keep my head high. Can I scream from the f^%$ing rooftops, "I was a good wife!! " I am tired of trying to redeem myself. And I am trying, really trying, just to fly higher, fly higher above it, just keep going, and it is really really really really really really hard. I have no idea what is around the corner every day these days. Thank God for my 4 walls here. It is my refuge. It is my church. I so need it.

Crying

I have spent so much of the last 15 months crying.
.. remember this so well from years ago, and so not wanting to do this again.
...years of hardly crying at all, only at things like sad movies or greeting cards, but no, there was no heartbreak baring down on me.
I am exhausted with the whole thing.
I think, "this will be it, this is the last hurrah in this f ing nightmare.." but no, around the next corner, there I am again, crying.
... given up wondering when it will go away.
There is this big piece of me that stresses on the fact that I don't have the time to be sad, to lose any more years, because my best years, my youth, is leaving me..if I was 30, 35 maybe, I would not mind losing a year or two, but now, no.
...falling in love is best when one is young, so your love knows you in your young state, and loves you through the years..that is how I see it.
My years are leaving me..I don't want to fall in love at 50.
... it sounds crazy, and you might ask, "how do you come up with these thoughts..?" but I do, and they are real to me.
I am conflicted over a broken heart and at the same time wanting to start anew before my youth has left me.
I don't know what it is like to be old.
Kind of like Marilyn Monroe, she is forever immortalized as a young pretty woman.
I don't mean to sound shallow, as I really am not.
It all just goes with the vision I have of love.
Each day just melts into the next.
...done all the work, yes I have..counseling, new hobbies, reading, meditation, yoga, exercise, all of it, and my life has not had a changing, light bulb moment.
There really is little difference for me now versus one year ago when I was blogging away.
...thought there would be, but I was wrong.
I have really tried.
And now I have grown tired of trying.

No Completion

Today was a rough day. Brought to tears so many times. I can only describe it as pure heartbreak. I say "what am I going to do..how am I going to get past it..?" It is very exhausting to try to approach each day, when I never know when the heartbreak will reappear. And I really cannot do anything about it.

I don't think Match is for me. I was mostly overwhelmed and largely disappointed. If I was reading this, I would be laughing..it has only been one week. Yes I know. But if one week is any indication, it is not a good sign.

I made a call last night. One I did not think I would. One I have really not even thought about. But it was like I was over taken, out of the blue. I wanted to talk to my ..and I still think of him as husband, not ex husband. I don't even like saying ex husband about him.It was like this deep need to talk to him. I still wish I could. I don't know what the purpose of the call was. It was not about rehashing, or apologies, or closure. It was about love, missing him, letting him go, missing my best friend. And there is no fix. So I don't know what I achieved, except a lot of crying. It was not a bad phone call, but it was incomplete, as there is no completion with this.

I did not end up feeling better, but I did not end up feeling worse. I am just in a deep abyss, possibly floating further to the bottom. Some days, weeks, I make it very far up.

And I hate crying, because it changes the whole look of my face. I end up taking on a very fragile persona, that any given second I will crumble to pieces. My eyes beg to not be looked at, to give away the secret of all the tears they have just shed and all the tears just dying to follow, but trying so hard to stay away. I try to shy away from looks from people, because I have so little to say.

And I look across the table and think "why can't you be him?" That is where my mind goes. And I think "why can't you be here, why did you throw it all away.." and while doing so, crush me, into so many pieces that I have stumbled around for over a year now trying to rebuild myself, and I don't feel very successful.

I know I am not alone in what I am going through, and what people have been going through for thousands of years. There just seems to be no time line, which makes it unbearable. The beyond grief that descends on me is actually all I have sometimes to hold onto.

Match.com

I really did NOT want to go on a dating site. Not. At. All. But I look at my life, and there are really no outlets for me to meet anyone. And since I would like to meet someone, I felt forced into it..if anything to be on some path, and stop complaining about it.

BUT..it has just been a few days, and wow, there is a whole world I did not know about.

First off, I am convinced that almost every guy does NOT read anything I checked off or wrote.

Guys from across the country, California, um..that does not qualify for a 50 mile radius. As soon as I see people from far away, I think weirdo, like those stories you read when some dumb woman travels to meet the guy, and then he kills her..

Guys who are old.. way over 50..and they look old..it just depresses me!

So many cannot s p e l l. A huge pet peeve of mine. It is just sitting there, blaringly!! I don't think I could go out with someone who spells and writes so poorly.

How many times have I read "I like camping, fishing, hunting, boating.." on and on! I really find it hard to believe, that women 40 and up, and younger, really like doing those things (boating, some might, but I think it depends on the boat and the outing..)I do NOT want to go camping, fishing or hunting!! Nowhere in my profile does it elude to that, so today I put it in plain and simple that I do not want to do these activities.

I really don't believe in relationships based around activities anyhow. Having some mutual interests is very nice, good, but these could be politics, music, food, sexual chemistry, etc..I actually find all of those much more important.

Pictures of their cars, boats, planes, dogs, etc..I do NOT care. Why do men think women are interested in these dumb photos!! My favorite.. pictures with women! Who are these women, their ex girlfriends, wives, sisters! Leave those out. Just post

n o r m a l pictures of yourself!

Kids! If I have to read one more time how much they love their kids, and love spending time with them. Ah, yes you should! You don't get a gold star because you do! And really, your kids are not who I am searching for. I feel like guys use their kids as a crutch to show how great they are. A blended family with little kids..maybe if I was younger, maybe if I was just nicer :) maybe maybe maybe..but I am not at that spot in my life..older kids, like older teenagers, I think I can handle...But over and over I get guys with little kids, some have more than 3--OMG.

Bar-b-qs and their friends. I am not looking for a new huge group of friends. Yes, if I match up with someone, sure we will meet friends. But I don't care out the gate if you have all these great friends!? Pictures of you and your friends drinking beer in the backyard does not excite me.

See, I am just not interested in a camping/fishing/boating trip, with you and your 3 little kids, and your friends, and their kids and girlfriends, and their dumb stories around a campfire while drinking beer..NO thanks!! I would much rather sit home, in a nice, clean, comfy house...with a glass of cold white wine, and watch Twilight again, and wonder when I will meet someone as wonderful as "Edward.!" See, I think most women (I make a lot of assumptions, but usually I am right..) let's say 35 and older, are looking for a cool, successful, fit, handsome, financially together, respectful, romantic, loving, mannerly guy, way more than they are looking for someone who likes camping and has a picture of his car..I am just going to go out on a limb.

Please, women want to hear more about building a relationship, not around outdoor activities, but sexy, romantic, fulfilling ways we will connect. Maybe it is just me. So I am putting this out to the universe. Please stop sending me, geographically undesirable, old, full of little kids, unattractive, photos of their cars and boats guys. PLEASE.

Scattered

There is a certain "scattering" in the air, I don't feel too grounded these stays as I struggle to somehow reinvent myself.

Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, and I still wish I was celebrating it versus remembering it as a day a long time ago, that is now gone, no longer exists. For most people tomorrow is just plain old May 7. And while I write this, I just chomped, I mean so hard on my bottom lip while chewing gum, that is caused me to yell swears words. I can see the bite mark on my lower lip--am I taking my eye off the ball, my teeth off my gum, and somehow not watching what I am doing..?seems so.

And while I have thrown myself into the "dating world" because I believe I have no choice, what am I going to do, sit here and wait for "Mr. Wonderful" to show up in a fancy car in my driveway one day..not going to happen. So throw I did. It was exhausting to write all about myself, post photos, and then like a major fishing expedition wait and see what shows up in the net. And to be honest, it is an odd odd odd place to be. I still wish one person was here, I wish it all worked out, because that is how I wanted it to be. But I am not sure that wish will ever go away, and maybe I have to just force myself to find someone new to love--I am not sure one can happen without being connected to the other.

And if there might be a new future for me, I don't want it to end again, unless it is years from now and death is doing us part. I just am not meant for break ups and broken hearts. Some people find it liberating to move on, some people don't even care. I find it paralyzing. Now my lip really hurts.

Honestly I am not sure I am even ready to go out, but I know I cannot sit here at my desk, day after day after day and speculate on a future I don't know. It is like being at a crossroad, and neither road I really want to take, but I believe this one might be the better one. So I feel like I threw myself off a cliff.

Finding Buildings

I am bummed, because I have had a goal to write 10 blogs a month. Should be so easy to do. Sit down and write something. I often have so many thoughts swirling in my head, I could write 10 blogs in one day. And sometimes I have nothing to say. And yet, there is sometimes just this inability to write anything. I remember last year when I first separated from my husband, I found it almost painful for my senses. I did not want to wear perfume. Food had no taste. I did not listen to music. It was like I could not extend myself past my inner frame--it was if I would just fall apart. And I suppose that is what holds me back from writing sometimes, frankly, I just can't.

I don't know what happened to April. It started off kind of good, but then seemed to relapse, like a drinker, and fall further behind. Like I was right back in the center of it all.

Yesterday I could not find a building I was going to for a meeting for work. I mean it was ridiculous. It was like the more I tried the worse it got--totally mirroring my emotions lately. There I sat, practically driving in circles (hmm..that sounds familiar, living in a circle..) I would bang my steering wheel and yell " I F%^&ing hate this! I hate all of this." And there I was, like a very funny character, really, in a sitcom. Because to say I am tragic just makes it all so worthless, I just have to make myself appear funny. Really it was. Later, I drove back and found the damn building.

But that has been my month. Not able to find the building I am looking for, and crying out in total frustration. Stuck in my own prison. There must be some answer for me, but I don't really believe in "answers" anymore, I just don't think life is that simple, and at the same time I do.Maybe there really are no questions for me to figure out/so I don't need an answer.

I don't know. I have been awash in grief this month, crying so much last weekend. Feeling like some odd ghost walking around a shopping mall, feeling like a dish rag, hoping no one would talk to me, for fear I would fall to pieces at their feet. Wanting so much to connect back to my past, and knowing at the same time I can't, and wondering how to really make that bridge in my mind.Death of another dog, the complete ending of an era.

I don't even think anymore, "this month will be different." Hell tomorrow is May Day, it symbolizes new starts, birth, the May Pole. My wedding centered around that theme. I had a May Pole with ribbons on the front of my wedding invitation, and one of my favorite poems from Rilke inside, with my favorite line, "and what violinist hold us in his hands, o sweetest of songs." Maybe there never was a violinist. I don't believe there is one now.

Too Big to Turn Around

I am pretty much at a loss of what to say this month. I am just living in my circle. It gets a little bigger but it is still a circle. I said today, "my life is a series of mistakes." It really is. You know how people say, when one door closes a window opens, or everything happens for a reason, or one day you will look back on this...and on and on..And it sounds like wow, one day, when I am all grown up, I will really be on my way, and this will be all a distant memory. Maybe that is truly how it works for some people. Maybe some people don't live their lives in a series of mistakes. I can say, for me, all my mistakes have not led me to the promised land. Actually, I feel like I am in prison. And I really feel like that lately. All I did was trade one prison for another. I chose the less of two evils. Now I am in a pretty nice prison, don't get me wrong, but yet I really have no life I would design.

I realized again lately that my dream is dead. It is not possible to recreate it. I do NOT want a blended family. I don't want to start all over again at 45. I am not sure how to proceed with my future, when I am living a life I would not pick. I wish I could just sell everything, and travel for like a year, and just forget who I am and what I am up to. Not to sound trite, but why can't I be like Eat, Pray, Love. Hell, she was only married 1x, she did not have children, she was only in her 3os..she had it good. I don't see why she needed a year to get her head together. She really is someone who could have just moved on. As far as I can tell her life was not a series of mistakes. I feel old, too old to really start again. The prospect of it, the real prospect, is that I am going to get so many complications in my life that I do NOT want, and yet what is the alternative. And that is the million dollar question. For me, right now, it is to change things up dramatically. I don't want to "fix" the life I have here, I want a whole different one. Where no one really knows me. It would not be perfect and it might still be somewhat of a prison, but a bigger prison, with a much larger yard to exercise in.

I never thought 30 years ago, when I really did believe my life was going to be good, I did not think one day I would view my life as prison. All by my choices, my series of mistakes. I wish I had been watching my life, instead to quote a song, I was watching my life go by. And now I just feel like it is too big a ship in the harbor to turn around.

Triggers

I remember picking up my daughter at elementary school 15 years ago, and hearing the news story of the Oklahoma bombing. It was a beautiful day in Santa Cruz, California, I remember that well. I had just made my trek down from Bonny Doon (a home I would come to hate..) which was a 1 hour round trip to pick up my daughter. I did not mind the drive though. But that news, it was like something you look at and think "what do I do with this?" It was like this amazing, gaping, open wound that just came right through the radio.

Fifteen years ago was a good time for me. I was married for almost 1 year, to the love of my life.I thought. My life worked. I thought. Oh I know I have said this a 100 times,maybe more..but that is what I remember ..I was happy in my life back then. I was only 30 and had so much ahead of me.

But it really doesn't matter. Recently I wrote that in an email, it just does not matter what I say to the other party these days..that is kind of a tough thing to be with..I guess because I want so much for everything to have meaning, to matter, but if there is one thing I have learned this past year, sometimes that is not true. There can end up being just a big black whole of nothingness.

It was a strange dance all those years. Like a "normal" wife, I would get annoyed or upset and show it, in my actions and my face. But it did not matter, imagine that. I mean as far as getting any kind of movement or agreement or anything. What I got was some sort of dismal, quiet anger, a score chart was kept that I was not even aware of. It was always used against me, it became reasons for behaviors. So I often crumbled and acquiesced--that was the only option that made it sort of work. I just did not get it then, it was like some bizarre reality I never could figure out.

These two thoughts don't really connect. An awful, hearbreaking event in Oklahoma and the slow death of my marriage. Just as the mind works though, they weave back into each other.
For the first time, in I don't know..my whole adult life, I actually feel in control of my life. I love the phrase "take your power back" and often say that now, to myself or to others. I love having a real backbone. I love not having to second guess me--if I think something is odd, not moral, twisted, wrong, illegal, evil, whatever, I can just say it is, and not have to do some sort of weird equation in my head to come up with a different answer. Nope. Now I go with what I know.

Stage Show

It is funny, sometimes there is just this blank screen staring at me. With the faintest hum of the laptop to lull me into hypnosis. I could just stare at the screen.

Sometimes I have things to say, I might even think of myself like Scarecrow, who said he could think great thoughts (after getting his brain..) there have been a few great thoughts here and there. But mostly I go in and out of a lot of thoughts and feelings this past year or so.

Some are good, and I welcome them. But they are often fleeting, as if I cannot sustain them. Others are sad, they torment me, but luckily they leave, at some point. I never know when they will strike. Like yesterday I wondered how I would go to the bus stop in the afternoon, when 10 minutes before, I was crying in my bathroom. And I could not, because it was a timinig thing. So I had to kind of just stuff the tears. Tears over the same person, for unfilled dreams and just a nothingness I am left with, that I stare out to, that I cannot explain or escape.

I have been amazed this past year how hard it is to wrap my arms around it all, and I can only say over and over it is complicated. And in between my good thoughts and my sad thoughts, are just an endless stream of staying in the moment, because I am too afraid to look at the future, because I really don't see anything, except the hope one day to sort of run away. Sad isn't it. That is what it has come to.

The present is just what it is, I don't get excited about it. The past, that is what has fueled all of this, this murky mud puddle that I don't seem to ever get out of.

Oh I don't want to paint this falling apart 40 something, first off, because it is just too depressing, but more than that, it is not the show that is running every day. It is almost like all 3 thoughts play rotating parts on the stage, all day long.

Most people find me quite funny, organized, "together" as one friend said today, and I almost fell off my chair. Good lord, am I viewed as together??I told her I once consulted a psychic named Reality Freedom and she found that amusing, as she said she loves my stories. I guess I am more funny than I might even know. Perhaps my whole adult life should just become one large sitcom. We really cannot take ourselves too seriously. And there I go, switching out my sad thoughts, for just being in the moment.

I wish I wrote everyday. I should. Sometimes I just cannot even summon up the will to put a thought down. Sometimes I don't write, just as anger to myself, to get out of this F*#$ing circle I move around in. It should be easy, shouldn't it? I agree.