Christmas 2013 Happy Holidays!

Fall Thoughts

It seems to happen to me often..I finally come back into my blog, and cannot even remember writing my last post (as it had been quite awhile ago..and..I like what I read!  :))  It was awhile ago, more than 6 months.  Things so changed!  Just like days later, he got back in touch with me, and weeks later we were back together!  Funny how these things happen.  Maybe putting my "spell" out to the universe was just what needed to happen.

April was a glorious month, of love ushering back to me, and my daughter getting married in a fabulous wedding in Northern California.  It was a month of love.

And all the months that have followed have been beautiful and wonderful and I would be pressed to find any real complaint, in a world filled with so many problems, mine seem so insignificant when compared.

I am in my 49th year now, that date rolled around at the end of August.  I don't really feel 49. Frankly I don't feel any different than I did 30 years ago. I am sure 20 somethings, would say, yeah, you are not 20 something,..but I don't feel months from turning 50.  Maybe that is the secret of living and staying young, to sort of remain ageless. I am not trying to be 25, but I don't know what 50 is, and I sure don't feel 50.  I feel beautiful.

One thing to touch upon, is I came face to face with grief last winter, and I saw it consume me in a way that scared me.  I was so immersed in it, that I truly could not see my way out.  I realized that grief may me too much for me, that if I am not careful, I won't find my way back.  So I have sort of put a self imposed time frame for me in the future and also a mental list of things to do that keep me on track..sort of.  Grief is such a part of life, but I suppose it is also in the way we handle it.  I don't want to fall of a cliff next time, there may be no branch to grab onto as I fall.

I am just happy right now. I love this time of year so much.  I love the Halloween decorations in my neighborhood, and the thick fog, and the beautiful sun when it still shines.  I love seeing my breath in the air, and wearing a cap over my head.  I love that the days are shorter, and I am tired at 9 at night.
I love knowing we are deep in harvest and going towards the introspective time in our lives. I like the cycles of life. 

I don't have anything earth shattering to say or to bestow upon anyone.  I feel like my life is like a photo in a magazine for fall entertaining, or family pictures, or a catalog picture that I already have right here.  There is so much heartache and deep despair every day, all over, and I feel like it passes me and so many I know by, and that is sometimes hard to really take in, life is such a crap shoot.

Xo

Staying on My Path

I just re read my last post and wow myself :).  I cannot believe I was lucid enough to write, let alone that.  It was like I was the living dead, and I admit, I said to myself, "I want to die."  But as I said it, I realized it was not dying that I wanted, but to just disappear, to at least go somewhere where there was no phone, no one to "look" at me and see what they could see..like watching a disaster in front of their eyes, no computer, no nothing.  I found myself in a little cottage, I placed it in England, along the coast, and there, I had him walk up the path to my little cottage, and I had us walk out on the path together.  And there in that moment, I found a lot of peace. I could bring him back to me, just as I willed it to be in my daydream, and for a time I was content.  And I thought about it often during my "living death" and it filled in my heart.  I have not thought about this until day, for quite some time, as I had to let the idea go, I had to come back into life, and leave my daydream behind.

I don't really remember the last 2 months, not really, although there have been some very good times in there, and I know I have laughed. I shopped, a lot, I found quite a bit of happiness in it..and decided to let myself do this..I did not buy so much as I just craved to be in a busy shopping center, in the middle of it all, and to look at things that I found beautiful and to be part of the crowd without even trying.  I drank coffee, and usually I only go the decaf. route, but caffeine gave me a major boost and I needed to get out of the mud I was wading through.  I worked out.  I read.  I watched a lot of "Friends" on TV, and I let it make me laugh.  I went out a few times for drinks and music, and I even got asked out, that was fun...I realized, it does not take much, just stepping out back into life, and easily I will be "seen."  So I filled my time the last two months, and yet they were lost months.

But as I know and it is quite clear to me the older I get, time does not just standstill while we figure out the pain.  Each moment we dwell in the pain of the heart, is time we are losing and will NEVER get back..there is no bank to later go to, to take a withdrawal from and add to our time.  I just don't want to live in a sad tragic love story, I feel like I have done enough of that in my past..no, I really want to live right now, and live well, and love even more.  I am just meant to love, it is what fuels me.  Not in some obsessive way, but more of a way of being..I cannot understand why people CHOOSE to be alone for years, not really connecting in a loving way with someone, when really that is what life is about. 

So I am back on the path to being in love and getting married. And it may sound crazy to some, but not to me. I am not getting married tomorrow to some guy I meet on the street corner, but I feel sure that I must have a future and plan in my mind, so I can live into that, and not take paths I don't want to be on.  I am sad that the one I was on did not pan out, I so thought it was set, I never even questioned its stability...From this I take the lesson that people are not always who they seem and pretend to be, and that is tough for me, as I always am upfront about who I am and what I want.

But I remain 100% in my life plan.  I want just what the Christmas Card in an earlier post shows.  That is the essence of who I am.  A family Christmas Card every year.  That is it for me.

I will close with this line that I read recently..

"Real love is not off the rack. It is uniquely tailored by the lover to the beloved."

Please Get Back on the Path

This past Saturday my life took a turn that I would never have imagined would happen.  One minute I was totally in love and in a loving relationship, and the next minute the person I love was walking out of my life, professing to no longer love me and our life together.  I never heard about it until then.  Everything had been just as usual, all days were with love, even that morning, so I don’t know what happened.

I cannot believe I can type that right now, for 4 days ago I was broken.  I still am, I guess now I am just numb and know that there is nothing I can do about this at the moment.  I give this up to the universe..he will either find his way on the path again or he will let it go.  I am deeply saddened with the idea that this is gone.

I want to proclaim in writing, if I need to again, that I want to be married. It does not have to be today, or next week, but I am not in a 2.5 year relationship just for good times and laughs.  I want the picture of commitment, and I have not waivered on that…it has been very clear.  I thought he was on the same page in the same book, I honestly don’t know when he switched books..or maybe he just lost the book the other day, and now is lost in the library..could truly be so.

Getting lost is never good.  There is no win in being lost. There is walking around in a circle in the dark trying to figure out where the path was that you took yourself off of.  The path is still there, you just have left it..the path did not disappear.  I have been your walking partner on that path, and I will not leave you. But I need you to come back to the path.  I cannot follow you, as you did not invite me, and I don’t take paths that don’t go anywhere.  I won’t let myself.  I may have in the past, but my higher self speaks to me and guides me more these days, or perhaps now I listen..and I won’t go on paths that are not suited for me or go nowhere. 

Please get back on the path.  This path leads to great beauty, adventure, true commitment forever, a love that will never leave you, a love that will hold you all day long and comfort you at night, a path that will add dimension to your life and take you from loneliness and often empty living. 

I want to be married.  I know this.  I don’t find it a stressful idea, and I am sorry if for you it makes you want to run away.  I am guessing, as I have no answers from you.  I wasn’t pleading with you to get married today, but I thought it was the future, it was on the path.  There is no path for me that will not include marriage, I cannot take paths that do not lead there..I see way too much of a win with that, to gamble on a life of just seeing how it goes..there is no grounding to that, and now I see, I was trying to be patient and letting things flow, and instead I made a wrong turn on the path.

I am still on the path. I hope you will join me on the path again. I still see you on a wedding day with me, I still want that..no fanfare is needed. But there may be more to leaving the path than just this, and again I don’t know, I don’t have any answers from you. I don’t believe you that you don’t feel the same, I believe you ran away because you fear the future, and your past is comfortable.   I believe you love me as you always did. You have left tremendous wreckage behind, and something I never thought you would do. I never thought you would hurt me like this. I believed in you. But I cannot hate you, and I can see clearer today, speaking from my heart, which is really the only place to be.  I love you. I love you with my whole heart.  You mean so much to me.  Please get back on the path with me, and we will make the stops you need, all of them. We will follow the path down all the winding turns, and we will stay together and I will hold your hand when you are afraid.

 

Christmas 2012

Thoughts Blowing Around Like Leaves

Feel like writing a buffet..too much going on in my head.

YAY YAY YAY on the election!  Love Obama. LOVED his speech.  I find myself mesmorized by him.  I wish he was a pastor.  He fits the bill way more than Romney, who has been a pastor.
Such a cadence in his speech, such a voice tone, that is so calming and very confident and humble and inspiring.  I stand with him.

And we have pot legalized in WA, and gay marriage. What a win.

Fall is the perfect time of year. I have taken to walking my neighborhood quite often over the last 2 months, and find it quite calming.  I guess I should have been walking a long time ago.
I see the same houses over and over, but being in a "storybook America" neighborhood, I never tire of them. I let my mind wander and wonder and think that maybe the walking will reveal something to me.  There is great meditation in walking.

My 30th year high school reunion was pretty great.  I think I look better now than I did 30 years ago, which makes me so happy :).  But it is way beyond that. It was like walking back in time in a large way, these things are always like that, a moment in time back, for a night, and then back to day to day life.  But the going back in time had a twist to it, I don't know, like viewing a little gem, a certain lost innocence, that for awhile, came back to be.  Like the other night when I watched home movies of my two little girls, I have much more of my younger one as video cameras were much more prevalent 17 years after the first one. And watching those movies brings such a feeling to me, so nostalgic and also sad at the same time..almost too much. Photos don't quite bring that out as much, I think it is seeing it all in 3D, life before your eyes, that is past, can be hard to go back to, times gone by.
Anyhow, I was glad I made it. People were kind and genuine and there really was no sense of the superior, the " I did great, what about you.." that I may have worried on.  And yet, it is over, and I don't know if I would venture a 40 year one.

My daughter got her PhD, and that was a bigger event than my 30th reunion.  I am in awe of the accomplishments, and seemingly done with such ease.  This is her time. 

My birthday brought me some soul searching on worth and financial distress, and took awhile to kind of rise above it.  This year my goal is "day to day" seems like a good idea.  Just work on the present, what can be done, and not look at what needs to be done in the future or what has happened in the past.  Past is gone, and the future is always changing based on how we live the present.

I am working on my book right now, trimming it down, widening it up where needed, trying to find the voice I want to convey.  I love the idea of a movie and a play being made from it.  To think I sat here for years trying to convey something and that maybe it would end up having a bigger than I every expected life..or maybe nothing, that is the flip side, or maybe something little, maybe just a memoir for my kids..I don't know.  But it calls me right now.

I am still in love.  I love someone being so nice to me all the time, so dependable.  Kind and sweet. Hand holding love that I wanted.  Funny how having this element allowed me to breathe easier.
Seems it should be easy to find, I guess one has to be very clear on who they are and what they are looking for.

30 Years

This is a big weekend for me. It will be my 30th high school reunion.  Shocking to me..I feel like I was just there!  It is like I blinked and 30 years passed.  I guess we cannot imagine such a thought when we are 18 (but I do remember my parents talking that way)  and wah lah!  here I am, 30 years later.  I would not have guessed 30 years ago, that I would be married, 2x, divorced 2x, 1 daughter from each marriage..and one is almost 30..just graduating with her PhD one week ago..and my other just graduating elementary school one week ago...no I could not have imagined that 30 years ago..

I never really imagined much, which I see was a flaw in the way I pursued my life.  The only plan I had back then was to attend UC Berkeley in the Winter of 1983..but it never happened.  I took a major life path change.  And from there on out, I never really imagined a future, I guess I sort of lived into it each year. Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining nor am I wishing it was different.  I just see, with such hindsight, that I had no clue of who I was, what I wanted, what I wanted to do..I was majorly lost.  It has been the last few years that this has become so apparent to me. Almost like an addiction, stopping in my tracks, and seeing who I am. Lucikly :), I did not gain 50 pounds, I am not sick, my kids are great, my boyfriend (husband one day?) is so lovely, my job has always worked out, so on the surface, people may think I have it all sewn up. But I know, I know there was so much potential in me, but because I became so lost, I was not able to realize it. It is not until now, 30 years after I left high school, that I am finally grounded. I wish I could stop the clock, or go back 10 years..not change a thing, just have 10 years back, that would be nice. There is the thought too, that perhaps there has been a part of me that has lived in disarray (while the day to day life I lead is so not, so quite a dichotomy) so anyhow, I have lived in such a way, because it was my destiny, that was the path for me..I am not sure.  I do know, that I crave the calmness I now have.  I don't have worries about love like I used to.  I am often at peace, just when watering a plant, or washing a dish.  It is like I crossed over to something else.  I must run now. I have a flight to catch and people to see, and times to remember, that don't seem that long ago.